[nakitakunai]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum but I have been dealing with depression on and off (mostly on) for about 10 years now.

Recently my depression has been worsening and while I thought spending more time with my friends would help, it's actually been making things even worse. It's not that my friends themselves are doing anything wrong - it's just that I'm at a point where I want to spend as much time alone as possible because I don't feel strong or emotionally stable enough to even leave the house more often than what's necessary. And when my depression is affecting me as much as it has been, I am absolutely not worth spending any time with because I become completely un-fun and I can't muster up enough energy to attempt to enjoy myself, or to even try to look like I'm not completely miserable. I had a friend post a passive-aggressive facebook status once saying that she hates "emotional vampires" and wishes there was a way to get rid of them, and I highly suspect that she was referring to me. I just feel like I'm burdening my friends by even being present at their social gatherings.

Anyway, my question is this: how do I turn down my friends' invitations politely, preferably without mentioning my depression? I have thought about telling maybe one or two close friends about my depression, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me or worse, think that I'm fishing for sympathy or "using it as an excuse." (If you hadn't already guessed from the facebook incident, my friends are a little two-faced and jugdmental, and I can't exactly count on them to be understanding or supportive. Some "friends," I know, but I'm so horribly socially inept and so bad at meeting new people that they're all I've got.) I considered faking sick but I'd rather not lie about that because then if I ran into them somewhere or if they showed up at my door with soup or something, I'd have to keep up the charade. I've thought about using the whole "family emergency" excuse too, but that goes right back to issue of not wanting people to worry about me. So, what's a good excuse to use to pass on social gatherings?

I'd really appreciate any advice.

[Chloepatra]

Thank you for sharing...

I want to encourage you to listen to yourself... "two-faced friends" are not friends...

I like your idea of talking with a few you feel you can trust to care...
Choose the few you feel you can be honest with and share that one of your imperfections is struggling with depression... then, ask if they can be okay with your not 'being fun.' Maybe some of them can figure out with you things to do that meet both of your needs? movies? walks? museums? a class?

No one can 'be fun' on demand... maybe you will find that admitting to depression is a good thing? I admitted it to a neighbor recently, while on a walk... it brought us closer... she shared that she is an extreme introvert and isolates simply due to that... we now walk together now and then, and do not expect to "have fun."

Other friends may actually not care if you're feeling up around them...they may just be happy to help you get out now and then...and without feeling sorry for you...
you never know until you try.

I am now inspired to share about my own struggles with a few more friends...jist because of your share! Thank you!
Chloe

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Nakitakunai. I follow a strict "need to know" policy: who needs to know about my conditions, and what exactly do they need to know about it?

As to social excuses, being vague - "illness/chronic illness" - or technical - "suspected neurotransmitter dysregulation with associated aberrant connectivity in frontostriatal circuits" - may work with certain friends. You have to avoid overstimulation.

Please keep posting, Nakitakunai, and make yourself at home.

[Idealsummerluvv]

Welcome.

I hate that there is still a stigma attached to depression.

As for declining invitations- "no" is a complete sentence.

[Pierro]

some of them dont sound like "friends". Just be carefull who you tell about your depression IF that it the route you think about taking. Sometimes people that have depression can sometimes make bad decisions. I have told two people that I work with about my depression and thats it. It os very hard to keep friends with depression, we can be seen as a "wet blanket". Sorry I dont mean to add to your depression. Your real friends will stick with you through thick and thin.Best wishes to you.

[Hope-Full]

Not only is "no" a complete sentence, it technically isn't a lie if you say "No, sorry, I have other plans already." Because, believe it or not, your "other" plans may be as simple as taking the night for yourself, or taking a nap, or that you're going to be super busy doing nothing

[worthit]

When you're depressed the last thing you want to do is be with other people. It might help to just go with one person and do a walk or something out in nature that is relaxing and not too stressful for you

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[Samanthagreene]

I didn't have a plan to tell my friend. I just had to take meds in front of her, she asked what it was, I didn't lie, and her mom identified it as an antidepressant. Sometimes it doesn't have to be planned out. Other times, it's nice if you set a definite date in your mind and try not to get cold feet and back down.

[reesecups]

I would not make up lies to your friends that you are constantly having to change and/or remember after you said it. Just say you're busy or not up to it.
But it is important if you are going to disclose that it's only to people you most definitely trust.

Also, nothing wrong with spending time to yourself. So long as you try to get out a little. Sometimes my only goal can be to shower and go the store.
Sometimes I go out with a friend or two that know me and we all have problems.

I know the few times I've disclosed, for the most part, that person usually understood either because they had the same issue or knew a family member who did.

[IndieVisible]

My golden rule. Never do any thing you do not want to do. If they are truly your friends they will respect your rights. Just say, thanks, but I got some thing else going on. No explanations needed. If they persist for a reason, tell them with a smile you really do appreciate the offer but you can't do it this time, catch you next time! After that just keep smiling and say, "sorry"

if that doesn't work there is always Plan B.

Start talking religious

[nakitakunai]

Originally Posted by Hope-Full

Not only is "no" a complete sentence, it technically isn't a lie if you say "No, sorry, I have other plans already." Because, believe it or not, your "other" plans may be as simple as taking the night for yourself, or taking a nap, or that you're going to be super busy doing nothing

This is brilliant! It's so simple but I never would've thought of it myself.

Thank you everyone for all of your advice! I have decided to use the super vague approach for now and if that doesn't work and/or I start getting a lot of questions about why I never want to go out anymore, I'll consider opening up to one or two people in my group of friends that I do trust and hopefully they can help cover for me if I need them to.

Thanks again for the help! It's so nice to feel so welcomed here even with my very first post.