Honest questions.

If I'm this bad at 20 why go on?

Am I a bad person for feeling horrible because all my friends (I literally know nobody not on meds) took themselves to the doctors and got meds and i had to wait 6 years before my mum forced me to get any help...and it hasn't worked. I feel like they don't even know what it's like to have problems. Maybe it's because I'm selfish and evil. I actually have impulses to do bad things because of this. Is it because I think my problems are more important than others'?

If nobody is happy why bother?

If they are just whiny people who can't deal with minor distress, aren't I too?

To be honest I shouldn't be the one answering your questions but I just can't watch people to drown before me.

-If I'm this bad at 20 why go on?
First of all you should explain what do you consider "this bad" as. And explain it to yourself. You might not be that bad at all. I know this might seem a little bit narcissist but think about worse people than you. That might cheer you up. But at that time of course your depression might bring up people who are better than you. Compare yourself to those who are better than you and think... Why are they better than me? And on what aspect? What is being better and why the hell should I consider them better than me? Is wealth a sign of being better? Is it being successful? Answer these questions first.
-Is it because I think my problems are more important than others?
Indeed your problems are more important than others at least it should be and at least for you. Do not bother yourself that much with society but do NOT force yourself away from it too for a person is weak but people are strong. You won't be able to stand alone and no one can. But place yourself above the others for if you are not nothing else matters.
-If nobody is happy why bother?
Are you happy? I presume your answer to this question will be "no" for you are suffering under depression and I will say one thing. You have 2 things to struggle and live for. First is your own happiness and the second is if you love someone it is their happiness. Actually to be honest the second is just a form of the first for the happiness of the loved ones cause you to be happy. Well the mechanics of the brain aren't that important as long as you are happy.
-If they are just whiny people who can't deal with minor distress, aren't I too?
Actually I will take some risk and... Yes, you are too. But look that on the bright side, if you are just a whiny person who can't deal with minor distress it means your problems are minor. If your problems aren't minor than you are not like them. Either way you deserve to be happy.

I hope my answers satisfy you. Have a good day...

From the "Better Living through Statistics" Department: It is highly unlikely you will be the same person at 30 as you are now.
People have different capacities to handle stresses, sometimes wildly different depending on heredity, life circumstances and the persistence of stresses.

Who is calling you "bad," "selfish" and "evil?"

Believe it or not, you are still very young. I was a wreck at your age, and I mean a suicide attempt at least once a month wreck. It took forever for my parents to notice, I'd hide botched attempts, and by the time they did, and forced me to go see a therapist, I thought, why bother?

It may not be you as far as the meds not working. Psychiatrists are like any other Dr.s. They are human and can make mistakes. Its possible that you have not been correctly diagnosed, or the medication is not the right one. There are so many medications and not everyone responds to them the same way. Not every therapist gets along with every patient.

Unfortunately, the time when you most need a therapist and be able to analyze how the relationship and meds are working, is the time when you are least able to be analytic. Some people find it helps to keep a diary, even if its just train of thought.

I'm not making light of your situation. Its not a period of my life I am likely to forget, and I know how miserable and hopeless you feel. Things do change though. You gain experience, are exposed to different things and your mind changes as you get older. Right now it probably seems like every week is a year and a long one at that. If you have a good relationship with your therapist, talk to him/her about changing your meds. If you don't have a good relationship, seriously think about finding a new therapist. For therapy to work, you have to trust the person and feel comfortable opening up to them. A bad relationship just wastes time.

Most of all, don't give up on yourself. You have a lot of time left in your life, and it doesn't have to be all bad. There may be emotional scars and some difficulties left over, but you can still have a productive life. A girl I went through school with developed severe bipolar in her sophomore year of highschool. She jumped out a window, had a psychotic break and was out of school for months. Now she has a wonderful marriage, two kids and seems settled. Keep trying. You can do it.

Sam2

Thanks for your replies guys. I've had a pretty bad week but I think I know what's going on with me now. I still feel pretty horrible for feeling this way about other people but I realise it's hard for me to feel sympathetic for people's personal problems when they mislabel them as 'depression' because it took me so long to accept that's what I have. pretty much the only thing that has kept me going since my diagnosis sometimes has been to remind myself of what the doctors etc finally told me after all those years: that I'm not a bad person, I just have something to struggle with that healthy people don't. And that needing help is not attention-seeking. When people self-diagnose for attention, it threatens how I view myself for suffering. However, I now realise that some people say they have depression because they think they do - they have nothing to compare to. They're probably not feeling great because of personal problems and are seeking attention because they need help. I guess I'll have to be understanding and try and block out the 'depression' bit and just hear that they don't feel good and need help. It's going to be hard, though. It just provokes a visceral response in me to see people talk like that / post that **** online...

Hi
This is a very interesting question. When I was young (after I had the car accident that left me in a wheelchair) I used to have these thoughts about people complaining about certain stuff: "Oh, you whiny do not know what real pain is" and so on. I had had a lot of surgeries and bad situations and somehow I developed this kind of pride, I do not know how to say it in English. I think I believed I was the master of suffering. But, that kind of thought just set me apart from people. It was not practical. I tried to discipline myself not to think like that. But sometimes, those ideas come back to my mind again.

It's not that I think I've had it worse than anyone...at least I don't think I think that :S Maybe I just feel they're misunderstanding what depression is? I know personal problems can be more 'painful' than depression, in fact I used to feel things much more strongly before I got depressed.

I just wrote this but was going to delete it because it sounds horrible and bitter again but I'll leave it for your analysis anyway in the name of honesty: 'I think another reason is that I've severely underachieved and missed out on a lot of things because of this, while they have life problems because they HAVE a life and actually care what goes on, what people think of them, what they look like etc etc. And they spent their highschool years messing around with different boys, partying and getting high , then say they got nowhere because of 'depression'. Whereas I was predicted all A*s but couldn't actually sit up to do work sometimes because of my illness, yet I struggled through and got to uni where I'm still having problems but they're only just being treated. '

I think you might be right after all, I'm just being a bit up myself. If I'm honest, even though these people have been my friends forever (or maybe because they have been) I can't shake the feeling that they're putting it on to seem 'interesting' (posting istagram pictures of self-harm next to part dresses on tumblr??) or make excuses for not achieving. And I hate that, because I feel I have no right to think it and also because I think it about myself often and I really wouldn't want to come off that way to others.

Take it this way: for us, comparison is a big no-no. Period. I don't know about you, but if someone tells me "snap out, there are others worse out there" I would go into a really deep spiral of self-destruction as I could only go "then I don't deserve to live, they should have my life. Here I am whining when they want basic needs like me."

It's actually up to you to blame it all on your illness. But to me that's just evading responsibility. I remember I was super suicidal, super down, unstable, and at the same time I had to juggle my side job, a death of a very close relative, and my friend threatening suicide at me everyday. I could just break down and blame it to my "weakness" due to depression... but theres also the option not to. Maybe it could be that you're stronger.. afterall from what you said, you're not blaming your illness like your friends do!

I totally agree about the 'others worse' thing. I really don't understand how that's meant to make anyone feel anything other than more miserable.

I think maybe I feel like since I've got treatment, I've done a 180 and am now using it as an excuse. I get disability allowance and extensions on work at uni. I think about myself even more than before because everyone keeps telling me I have to because i have this illness that has a name. When everyone goes throwing that name around whenever they feel a bit bored or lacking attention it loses it's meaning and I don't feel like I have any reason to be failing at life so hard. And that makes me feel bad, so I cope less well. Then there's the fact that I'm having disdain for others, making me a bad person. My mum gives me an outside perspective by saying that she thinks these people are 'being silly' or 'wanting attention', and that's in spite of her often getting frustrated with me being sick. But I still feel bad for having thoughts like that.