Two new sources of angst today

or more like repeats of old ones come back to haunt me.

stuff has been going on with regard to work, they've started to ask me to do stuff at home. this after months of me offering, them saying they will send, and then not hearing anything back. Followed by 4 months of no contact with anyone, no answers to my emails, no contact from them. i've been doing the simple things they've asked but it has caused me a HUGE amount of stress and aggravation. plus they've lost all the stuff i specifically set up for them when i became ill, and i know that makes me look bad to the boss there, as if i left them screwed. so now another issue has come up that i am aggravated about, and i;ve mentioned it a few times to one of the people there, and today i've heard back that he is tired of hearing about it because it is a problem but what's done is done and me whining about it isn't going to fix the fact that stuff was lost. it sounds as if he feels like the martyr in this whole thing that had to "fix" everything, and though he doesn't blame me, he has no consideration as to how it feels to be completely cut off by him and everyone else for 4 or 5 months and then learn that the things i did try to do weren't utilized.

screw them

i would but it is still just a huge source of aggravation, grief, and anxiety for me. just receiving an email from them sets me off, just seeing it in my inbox before i even read it. this just sucks, unbelievably how crappy i still feel about all of this.

then second also today i was distributed anemail about another group i used to belong to, i haven't had contact with them for awhile because i've just felt so crappy and absolutely unable to talk to them for several weeks now. they are planning an event in for the future and i am completely out of the loop, i found out they had a first meeting for this event a short time ago and one of the things they did was find people to replace m e for the art tasks. i guess thye feel since i am out of the picture they have to go with alternate plans, but they could have asked first, because truth is i would have done stuff like that from home. no w i don't even want to. there are only two people in my life that i haven't severed ties to.

and i'm still not feeling any better, any closer to going to work (the doctor thinks i am, and is becoming reluctant to renew my disability) and it is all just closing in tighter and tighter.

i want to crawl in a hole. i finally made some progress with regard to some paperwork for my mortgage but i still haven't followed through wtih it, it is a month overdue now. i don't know what i am going to do. i'd like to volunteer to be the first man on mars.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dexter}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You have my empathy and understanding, but I'm not too sure you want to hear what I'm seeing. If you do, let me know and I'll tell ya!

i ended up sleeping ok last night but slept very late... took my wellbutrin late, when i got up, so now i'm worried that it will effect my sleep tonight. it seems my "cutoff" time is to take the wb before 10:00 but best is between 7 and 9. today it was past 11:30.

i'll have to see how i do tonight.

i am considering another stay in the hospital if things get worse.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((DEXTER))))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry you are struggling. I so hope that you get to feeling better. I myself am having a hard time. Just don't give up hope.

Take Care

KRIS

As I sit in front of this computer screen, I meet and learn and am helped by those I have never seen.

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

{purple}Sorry dexter {{{hugs}}}} It is tough. It's a lot of denial, and fear also. I secluded myself for years and only this last year have I tried to reach out... and I am finding the exact same thing: people are dogs. (and I mean that in the old sense)

It is difficult for me to 1) accept my disability 2) realize I cannot do what I used to be able to do 3) realize that ppl don't know me not really 4) that I want to be included, but can't be because I don't fit in and offer nothing to the process 5) ppl just don't understand what I need to participate in life and among others, 6) I just don't understand what I need to participatae in life!

Pick your battles, leave the rest. Try to find out what is really important to you. Limit yourself...to one item... etc. Discuss smaller steps with your doctor. hang in there.

<font color=blue>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=blue>

>>i finally made some progress with regard to some paperwork for my mortgage but i still haven't followed through wtih it, it is a month overdue now.

Well I'm happy to report that today I finally took care of the paperwork for the bank. It was due Feb 4 but they haven't been in contact with me since, and it has been so hard for me to get out... but today I finished it up and dropped it at the post office. Still one more part to do and I am going to finish that this weekend, hope to report success on that tomorrow or at least before Monday.

For sleep I'm still slipping backwards though... slept very late again today but did stay out of bed the rest of the day (so far) whereas the past few days I have been unable to do that. I am going to miss my support group tonight though, just too physcially drained and achey. Next week hope to work on getting back to that.

(I have not missed any doctor appointments though, I've stayed solid on that since the beginning)

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Oh, and I finally picked and set up an avatar for myself

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>