breakthrough I think.

Still early days, but had what I guess was a break through last night. I’m a bugger for wanting to know the ins and outs of things so my T has agreed to explaining the logical process of each session (with time permitting). This in turn (with inclusion of the previous sessions) indicated a trend for her and we gained a better understanding of one of my route issues… though I’d never really thought, least of all acknowledged it before:

Perfectionism on the maladaptive neurotic side.

Now I’ve done some post session reading, it does make sense and I’ve got the bit of something I can at last understand. Of course, it’s still early stages and there might be other stuff we uncover… but it’s nice to make progress and be able to slot things into categories I can work with.

Toejam - understanding where your therapy sessions are going and finding out who you are is great. Being on the perfectionist side of things isn't all bad, you know. Tempered with a little give when it is appropriate, perfectionists tend to be great employees and good at whatever they do.

Good for you for asking for what you want out of your time in therapy. If your mind likes to categorize and understand things, it must feel like a relief to have some insight. I like your style!

Discovering even a name is "exciting" in my books. I found that "name" also and was proud of it at first, thought wow, a 'perfectionist', (who doesn't want to be perfect ), but later came to learn it was just something I was trying to keep up and I was exhausted and who was I trying to please? I was becoming more and more depressed. Sure, I was the exemplary, dedicated employee; the employee whom this company wanted, but what was it doing to me? I was spiraling down the ladder to the black hole and ultimately it cost me my career because I just couldn't keep up.

Depression is the shits.

TJ

Amazing.

Congratulations on the breakthrough! You've a base of sorts from which you can work out and around. That is an achievement.

Wishing you continued success and growing peace!

That's the thing... I don't have a lot of give at the moment and that's where a lot of the problems have arisen. I was a little surprised when she brought it up as my criteria for what a perfectionist is didn't meet with my own self image, but on reflection and her highlighting key factors in my outlook did open my eyes to it... and it's helped explain my inability to tackle certain hurdles in my past (I'll elaborate below).

I am quite assertive when needs must, and as I've gone private, I wanted clarification on the direction and ins and outs of the what and why of things. I'll give my T credit where it was due as I was highly irritated after my 2nd session (I'd felt that she'd fobbed me off with death by paperwork) and I expressed this first thing last night... calmly and politely... but I upfront challenged her on it as well as asking if I was to expect more of that kind of stuff.

She took it on board and we thrashed out how future sessions would be laid out. It was a frank discussion and it helped laid the foundations of respect for her as well yeah... it got sorted.

Thanks for this Casey, and I do relate to a lot of what you just put.

I'm not excited by the label... the label itself is just that, a word... but, it slotted into place how things have been that I couldn't explain or understand before.

Essentially I screwed up a career path about 8 years ago (was doing my teacher training) and I've been in a quagmire of crap and dead-end jobs ever since... I was soul destroyed by what happened and felt like a complete failure... especially as like you've put... I tried so hard to keep up (and essentially I was doing more work than my wife was... being on the same course) and burnt myself out.

When doing assignments, I spend so much time on the detail and I get very frustrated if it's not to my standard and expectation on hand in... I have to understand what and why... otherwise I just fall into a misery of confused apathy.

Now that I've got a better understanding of the route... I can work with that and hopefully through the T sessions alleviate some of the self constructed hurdles I put up. I'm 36 and though yes I'm getting older and greyer... my life isn't over and I'm hoping that if I can tackle issues that have contributed to my depression... I can get myself back on my feet in some capacity.

That is the goal anyway.

Thanks Rohag!

The following is merely a question... as said just above... I'm quite assertive... but is it unusual for T's to agree to this?

Toejam - you sound hopeful and hope is a powerful thing! Plus, you used the word quagmire which I love!!

I personally have much more experience with pdocs than Ts. One of the few Ts I've seen was willing to discuss clinical approaches though didn't initiate the topic. Others have not attempted to explain or reveal treatment processes, and I wasn't assertive.

I think what you've worked out with your T has promise!

Well yesterday was quite frankly a crap one. Reflection is a s.o.b and I spent most of the day feeling completely worthless.

On a plus note, went to bed early as I was exhausted and got one of the best work night sleeps I’ve had in some time.

Wrote a thank you letter to my Dr this morning (long overdue that I expressed it properly and I acknowledge that it must be a pretty thankless job at the best of times) which I’ve just sent.

I am feeling a bit more positive but still getting dips as mentioned above… still early days… but I think things will get better if I can try and keep a levelled head.