[ToeJam]

Been doing my best to repress my ‘depression’, convince myself that things are improving… but they really aren’t. I feel guilt though for feeling the way I do and that’s one of the main issues that I’ve had… I’ve stummed up over the last month or so mostly for the benefit of those I care about.

It’s been leaking out in anger though and that can’t be good or helpful for them.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been viewing here and at times posting and though this is a lovely community for helping those who have only just begun to post… for those who are long term it does become a bit self serving and I recognise and appreciate that.

I had felt that I’d met ‘new’ friends who I could chat with and feel at ease talking to (for the simple factor of sharing a common problem and knowing we wouldn’t be judged for it)… but that withered and died… perhaps for the above ‘self serving’ factor… I don’t know :shrug:

As such, I’m giving into the stark truth that facing this is something that is to be done alone and so I just shall

Thanks to those special few that were a life line when I first started here and you do do a great job… I do regret that an e-friendship could not develop past those initial days, but that’s life and it probably was something to do with my attitude and outlook… I try to be gentle and helpful, but I can pin point certain times I may have screwed up as it were haha.

All the best and I hope everyone finds some peace as they travel this dark part of their live

[Idiot17]

Good luck.

[Clara22]

You will be missed

[Rohag]

If e-friendships did not develop and flourish, it certainly wasn't because of you. You're a gem of a forumer, ToeJam.

In the end, though, you are correct. We each have this . . . illness, and each faces it personally no matter the size or effectiveness of one's support system.

Do what you need to maximize your chances for overcoming what you face.

[Fuzzybear]

I'll miss you if you go...

Sorry I was so quiet and pretty much disappeared. It wasn't you. I hope you stay

PM any time

Goodbye and good luck, ToeJam. Thanks for all of your insightful posts.

[Pierro]

Toe Jam, I hope that you dont leave, I will miss you very much. You have been my "third eye" on depression. When you have depression you can sometimes only see with blinkers, but you always gave a different perspective, and thanks for that. Best wishes TJ, and I know thin gs will work out for you

There are so many people here who are struggling... perhaps you can stay & help yourself by helping them?

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

There are so many people here who are struggling... perhaps you can stay & help yourself by helping them?

1st off a little iffy that I’m even posting this, but you lured me on an interesting point and the compulsive side of me couldn’t resist but respond. Using Word to write this so I don’t know as yet if I’ll copy paste it over.

What help can I really give? I’m not well, I’m completely open to that side of me and I know it could be construed as a selfish statement… but even in times past where I’ve said the right things and know that it’s compassionate to put it in a different light… I don’t truly believe what I’m saying. I cannot apply it to my own path at this stage.

Half the time all I want to do is cry and scream and my default to that is to withdraw inside. I’ve been telling people here and in real life that I’m getting better because I see that as being what they want to hear… and in some respects it’s helped me as it’s easy to act as if things are fine until such time as I’m alone. A good distraction perhaps?

I am on auto pilot and confused… and I query if my posting here has been festering what I feel rather than allowing the distraction to take focus point.

Hmmm

Maybe I am lashing out at one of my few releases (to post)… I just don’t know.

Sorry for going back on the OP and putting this here and I appreciate those that have replied… even pm’d a couple of you. You mean a lot to me in this short time that I’ve been here.

I guess I just need some serious reflective time to get my crap together before I can do what is something that means a lot to me – to help others.

But I don’t want to be doing that while I’m lying to myself and others.

+ in addition to that as I've said... It is a lousy lonely thing right now and being 'all or nothing', perhaps it better to know in certainty that I am alone rather than keep reaching out but re-enforcing in my head that it's for noubt.

Sorry for being confusing and needy and all that ****...

meh

[unaluna]

Thats exactly what ive come to realize: when we have moments of clarity or relative lightness, we CAN help others who are down because we can truly identify with where they have been. If a story doesnt resonate with you - if you cant identify with what the person is saying, or as often happens for me when i read your posts, i identify TOO strongly - sometimes we cant say anything at all. But thats okay too, because someone else will. And even that is healing to us - to know that we dont have to take care of everyone and everything all by our lonesome. Just knowing - feeling - that i am a part of this community is kind of overall healing. That said, you are in the midst of your strife; i found PC a few years after mine was over - i was fired for the last times, no hope of going back to work, old, broken, alone, etc. ie, no place to go but up! anyway good luck whatever you decide.

Eta: plus you do have the best name - it was one of my first h's favorite expressions.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...and I query if my posting here has been festering what I feel rather than allowing the distraction to take focus point.

Important. Test it and act on what you discover.

[Clara22]

Hope you stay, TJ!