[mulan]

I was read the answers on that post about smiling and being depressed. And I thought, even so there's no one like me.
I had a big struggle with my doctor some years ago because she was trying to make me believe that what I have was depression and I was all septical because I never fill the criteria. Not for many long time. In one of those moments I was feeling terrible, the thing I most wanted to do was laughing. It was one of the high moments of jokes coming from me. I couldn't be sad. I think I never was really, deeply sad for more than few moments. It's like when I'm having a bad moment, or I am in a bad situation I don't feel sad, and I don't really realize I'm in a bad situation most of the times. Many times after I cry by a non expected reason I really feel like laughing and making jokes, they are maybe the most creative times for me. When I am with people I feel comfortable with I laugh and make jokes a lot. Well I feel like my head isn't capable of making a good amount of jokes for a long time. I feel bad because people around here talk how deeply sad they are. And it must be very hurtful. I'm I the one who never experienced large amounts of true sadness. I'm that person who can't move to start doing anything but inside is like totally dreaming about doing stuff and imagine it and smiling about it. And I know that at least some days the worst I am, like totally no energy, no enjoyment in doing things, just going trough the motions are times when I use to feel more dreamy and somewhat more happier. How strange is this. I'm I the only one who fakes happiness until get to a state that I really think I'm 'happy'. It's like I just enjoy joy. The only series I can watch when I am very low are sitcoms. I'm odd.
For me being sad it's like a sharp nife they pull into to your heart, they scratech it around and take it away, and you instantaneous heals, or loses the ability to feel the pain. It's like a scale the lowest the grade of the sadness the mostly likely is for it to keeps longer.

[lostpup]

I'm also always faking smiles and laughter. I always think of the past when I used to really enjoy doing things... but now all I feel is this emptiness. Every day... is just another day. Yet I have no reason to be depressed, because there are so many other people who are worse off than me.

I don't know what happiness is. But now I think that happiness is something people created.

I can just call this painful emptiness in my heart 'happiness'. I can smile and tell myself that I am not just pretending, I am really happy. I can tell myself that going through the motions day by day is true happiness.

This is what I tell myself everyday. But there's still the fact that such happiness is a painful one... but I'll just tell myself that happiness is supposed to be painful...

Friend, I wish you best of luck in finding your happiness. Sometimes I just tell myself that to be human is to feel sadness. Happiness doesn't exist. It is just a dream... a wish. People who say that they are 'happy' are just like us, telling themselves that what they are experiencing is 'happiness'... but perhaps they too are lying to themselves and lying to the world.

Sometimes, it's best to just assure yourself that happiness is a lie. There's no such thing. It's a man-created dream.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by lostpup

I'm also always faking smiles and laughter. I always think of the past when I used to really enjoy doing things... but now all I feel is this emptiness. Every day... is just another day. Yet I have no reason to be depressed, because there are so many other people who are worse off than me.

I don't know what happiness is. But now I think that happiness is something people created.

I can just call this painful emptiness in my heart 'happiness'. I can smile and tell myself that I am not just pretending, I am really happy. I can tell myself that going through the motions day by day is true happiness.

This is what I tell myself everyday. But there's still the fact that such happiness is a painful one... but I'll just tell myself that happiness is supposed to be painful...

Friend, I wish you best of luck in finding your happiness. Sometimes I just tell myself that to be human is to feel sadness. Happiness doesn't exist. It is just a dream... a wish. People who say that they are 'happy' are just like us, telling themselves that what they are experiencing is 'happiness'... but perhaps they too are lying to themselves and lying to the world.

Sometimes, it's best to just assure yourself that happiness is a lie. There's no such thing. It's a man-created dream.

I agree with almost you have said,I get sad because I can't be sad, it's more or less that, feeling that I'm not really a human.
I'm a fool and I can folish myself so many, like when I really thought that I will be happy if I learned to play guitar...and I got some lesson and learnt some songs on my own too, I thought I was happy when I got a guitar in my birthday that year. And after the lessons had stopped because I enter college I play just few times. I tried to learned some songs and I almost did it, but it gets boring, everything just gets boring sometime. Even if you dream about it a lot and really thought you would be happy doing that. It's allways the same. I think the worst it's when I make a full of myself thinking I would be happy being with some person and I dream it a lot to the point I almost make it real, but if I hang with that person it's boring, if I see her/him on the street it's indiferent. But sometimes I just think it is true happiness.
I don't smile to fake or hide depression, I just smile and laugh as an instint. Whenever someone talks to me everything I was feeling just fades away. I think I just copy and stole the other people moods. I can't make someone happy but if they are I get happy too. It is not to hide anything because there is nothing to hide.
I remember some episode where I went to dinner with my roomies and I was feeling really tired, totaly depersonalized, my head and my thinking were completly confused, I barely could thought. And still I could be and behave and laugh and talk almost like a normal person, it just that I don't fake it, I just loose track on myself and things I say come to my head and my mouth I don't know how. It's because all these that my father allways thaught I was an outgoing person, a easy going. I didn't want to dissapoint him. They wouldn't realize that sometimes I'm totaly alone in school if there wasn't my syster.

[gayleggg]

It sounds like you have a very unique way of dealing with things. I can't really relate because when I'm depressed I'm sad and stay that way. which is most of the time. I can remember feeling happy when I was much younger but not anymore. Only sadness and dispair. That's not to say I can't fake if I have to but it takes a lot of energy and leaves me very tired afterwards. I hope you find some help with your issues.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

It sounds like you have a very unique way of dealing with things. I can't really relate because when I'm depressed I'm sad and stay that way. which is most of the time. I can remember feeling happy when I was much younger but not anymore. Only sadness and dispair. That's not to say I can't fake if I have to but it takes a lot of energy and leaves me very tired afterwards. I hope you find some help with your issues.

Yes, I'm really unique and I don't know from which point it is a good thing. I think I could be a "case". I'm so diferent from "normal" people in so many ways that when I get it all together it doesn't make absolutly any sense. I don't know if any of you read some of "Fernando Pessoa" poems...it's a very known portuguese writer...there are lots of people that in somehow identify themselves with what he write, but the really question about he is he is divided in to many pieces. He uses his diferent "personalities" to write poems. He's personalities are like is diferent moods and his diferent ways of thinking. He gaves them names a life story and so one. He has some poems in english too, in fact. Well, my case is not so extreme but I feel somewhat that way.

Just thinking...Don't need answears, I just need to explain myself and puzzle me.