[Whoaminoone]

Valentine's Day I'm not a big fan. For me, it's one of the more depressing days of the year. Maybe it's because for some reason I always hope *this* will be the year I'm acknowledged as my husbands 'love' in some way. It's beyond me why I even care. This man (& I use the term man loosely) doesn't care about anything but himself. He has himself raised up on his self made pedestal that is forever unreachable. He refers to himself as 'a God', and sadly seems to believe that he is! I don't understand what it is that makes me still think ,at times, there is any hope that he'll change. I don't deny that I have mental health and emotional issues, but he has issues MUCH bigger than mine...only he doesn't acknowledge them.
Why did I come back? I ask myself that question nearly every day. I'm not happy with him in any way. I'm miserable. I can't stand the sight of him. His touch makes me cringe and feel nauseas. Trying to have a conversation with him is like trying to converse with a sack of potatoes. In all seriousness, I strongly suspect he has some mental retardation. I hope nobody takes that the wrong way. I work with mentally disabled clients that I adore, but I have noticed some striking resemblances in behaviors and thought processes in some of my clients and my husband. My husband has never been tested or has any diagnosis, that I'm aware of, but his family is VERY secretive about...well, everything. I know what I'm saying is hard to truly understand unless you were to actually meet him. I just don't know.... Maybe it's just me searching for what's "wrong" with him. Maybe I'm just trying to justify his behaviors to myself in a way that doesn't make him just a purely evil person.
I just long to be HAPPY, yet, I'm not even sure what that really means! I honestly can't recall NOT being depressed. Even thinking back to as a small child. My life was full of fear and confusion and sadness. I never understood the things that happened. I still don't.
I remember in school being told to make these Valentine (& Mother's Day) cards and things saying how much I loved my parents, but I always wondered how could I love them? At the time, I was young enough to think every child's life was similar to mine. I believed every father touched his child in 'that' way. I believed every mother watched. I believed every parent spent a great deal of time passed out or high on drugs. I believed my feelings of shame and guilt and disgust meant there was something wrong with ME...because that's what I had been taught to believe. That's the only life I knew.
I just want this day to be over with and forgotten!

[H3rmit]

Gut reaction: give yourself the gift today of an initial plan on how to reorganize your life without him! You deserve someone who will have a serious conversation with you and consider your needs and wishes, at the very least.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Whoaminoone

I believed my feelings of shame and guilt and disgust meant there was something wrong with ME...because that's what I had been taught to believe. That's the only life I knew.

Even if the road is long, I wish you continued progress with unlearning those "lessons."

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Even if the road is long, I wish you continued progress with unlearning those "lessons."

[Frankbtl]

I'm so sorry for what you've had to experience. But seriously your first step has to be to get rid of him (whatever his problems). By being with him, you're allowing yourself to be treated less than equally in the relationship and whatever your past you deserve that in the very least.
Perhaps your past has led you to believe, in a way, that you aren't worth more than this and your feelings don't matter as much, but you ARE and they DO!!
The situation you're in is maybe perpetuating some of the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness (?) so now you HAVE to put yourself first.
AND about YOU, do you think you might need a bit more help with what you experienced in your childhood, obviously things like that just don't go away. Have you anyone you can/do talk to about it? Do you think you might need some (more?) professional help? or maybe look at support groups?
Here for you if you want to talk more though....................
Alison

[Whoaminoone]

Frankbtl, I briefly saw a therapist back in 2007. I had to stop because I simply couldn't afford the co-pay ($60 per session with twice weekly sessions). I was originally sent with a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa. At that time I was at my lowest weight of 89lbs (I'm 5'8"). My childhood was a big topic of discussion. Of course, it mainly focused on the relation to my anorexia. However, my T did point out the striking resemblance between my abuser and my now husband (@ the time we weren't married but had our oldest daughter together). My T suggested that I was subconsciously reliving my childhood through this relationship with a hope of a different outcome. My T STRONGLY suggested I cut all ties with my now husband, save for supervised exchanges of our child if so ordered by a court. Instead...I married him! I can't answer why I went against my T's advice. I really don't know.
There is no doubt that my childhood is the overwhelming area of my issues today. I just don't know how to overcome it. I would love to find another T to try again, but I can't afford it...and my husband wouldn't allow it even if I could. Other than mentions of it on here, no, I don't talk to anyone about my childhood. Quite honestly, I don't talk to anyone much in general.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, well it is really good that you feel able to talk about things on here, and that must take a lot of strength. As for not following your therapists advise and marrying your now husband, what's done is done. I'm sure most of us haven't followed advise that was good for us or done things that are really not in our best interests at times and your past probably had a massive impact on your decision. If only logic was always easy to follow, eh!!
But what really matters now is where you go from here. Now you have a chance to move away and not continue to be dragged even further down by your husband. I know that may not be easy but you've been through so much already and you deserve so much more than this. And you've shown some serious strength to have endured what you have so it can be in you to start making changes. One step at a time........?
So YOU first!!! It's a great start that you'd like to talk about what happened as it's obviously/understandably effecting you so deeply but if a T is out of the question then maybe you could have a think about contacting a/some helpline/s?? As I don't know where you are (and that's OK) I've put a couple of national (?) links below:
RAINN.org | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
Weighing The Facts: Sexual Abuse: Hotlines, Organizations, Websites
I know that's probably going to be a big step for you but you can take it all at your own pace and as slowly or as quickly as you'd like.
AND, of course....still here for you if you want to talk a bit more about it here.............
Alison

valentines is over rated, anyway- and i'm not saying that just because i'm single

if you have someone, you should treat them like the special person in your life every day. not just 1 day a year