I did something stupid

Saturday night, I fell back into an old pattern and did something stupid. I immediately regretted it, but even as I felt guilt while it was happening, I did nothing to stop it.

I don't know what is compelling me to make this mistake again and again.

It's like I have no willpower and no control over myself at all...

*sigh*

Lack of power is my dilemma.

How so? As in, power to make the right decisions? Power to do the right thing?

Actually I shouldn't have posted that here.
It is a saying from AA as in the first step is admitting that I am powerless over my addiction. Like in my case all the will power I could muster and after trying for years I could not quit drinking and drugging.
Like I said that is for another section on this forum. I don't know what you did.
That is what caused me to respond.

I am not here a advocate anything.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's not substance abuse...it's just...stupid behaviour.

What was it that you did?

I am a very sensitive person. So when I do something wrong, I mull over it for a long time. Especially when I do something stupid in the presence of other people.

Last week at work, I got notified that I had to install a new Microsoft Windows program - immediately! I had to do it immediately because I had been notified for months to do it. What made me put something off for so long like I did? It's normally in my nature to do what I have to do right away. I had difficulty installing it, so I asked the IT guy for assistance. He was nice to me, but had said to me, "you were notified to do this months ago!" Talk about feeling small and stupid!

I guess with having depression, we tend to feel shame a lot more and ruminate. I think that there are articles on Psyche Central about ruminating. I'm very guilty of that.

Behaviours can be addictions too.

I'm really not sure I can admit that, even with the relative anonymity of this forum.

This is bang on me. I wallow in shame for days after doing something I deem "stupid". But for some reason, I'm unable to change the behaviour. It might not happen for a long while, but eventually, I forget about the shame and fall back in the habit.

Yup. Absolutely they can. Not necessarily as damaging as some addictions physically (at least not in this case), but mentally and emotionally, devastating.

Although substance abuse addictions can be much worse and cause alot more damage, it is really the shame that eats you apart with those too. I was deeply deeply ashamed yet there was nothing I could do to stop.

I would venture to say shame is even worse than guilt. Guilt is always a twinge in the back of my mind, but shame is like a grease that runs all over. It sticks to everything and feels so uncomfortable.

Guilt is supposed to be healthy and cause you to change the behavior whereas shame just tells you what a horrible person you are and causes you to continue the behavior to cover up the shame. Vicious cycle.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

"I'm really not sure I can admit that, even with the relative anonymity of this forum."

Weigh the pros and cons OBJECTIVELY of opening up, if you can.

What's the worst that can happen?
Will you feel any relief if you do?

Remember that there is no judgement here.

Or, if you feel safe with someone here then ask if it's okay to PM them.
I did and I'm so glad of doing so.

Actually, there is judgment here. It's unfortunate, but it's human nature.

I'm sorry that you feel that way or have had that experience here.

As I said, you can always PM if you choose...but it is YOUR choice

I spend my entire existence ruminating...

It's so unhealthy, and yet it seems to be my go-to move. *sigh*