[invisiblegrl]

I think one of the hardest things for me to establish right now is hope. I have spent years fighting depression, raising my son on my own, he is 13. I'm going to be 36 this year. I always dreamed of marriage and a family. But as the years go by, the depression gets harder to carry, and I have realized that I don't even have hope anymore in anything and it's just about too late for me to marry and have another kid.

I'm a religious person, so I know I should have hope or I lack faith.

I just feel like I'm clinging on to the desire to have faith and hope. What's going to happen when I don't even have the desire to have it anymore?

My prayers I don't even ask for the depression to be removed, but just to have something to give me some kind of hope so I don't spend every day feeling like all I gotta do is get through another day and the only reason for that is because of my son. And I feel guilty that I'm not as good as a mother to him as I should be.

I know life rarely ever turns out as anyone ever hopes and I realize that having a family with my depression probably would make it all even worse. But I don't even have the desire or energy to seek out other dreams, make any friends, date. I'm not living, I'm just existing.

[Rohag]

Hello, Invisiblegrl.

Originally Posted by invisiblegrl

But I don't even have the desire or energy to seek out other dreams, make any friends, date. I'm not living, I'm just existing.

Clearly, you know depression.

Regarding intangibles, depression undermines the ability to access faith, hope, desire. I "hope" (insofar as I can imagine hope) you may find something that will help you regain some or all access to those precious things.

[Sam2]

Something in your life is keeping you going. I know its hard when everything seems to be falling down around you. Honestly, at 36, you are younger than you think. If you were to find the right guy, you are not to old to have a child, and then there is always adoption. I was adopted and my parents loved me as much as their "natural" son.

God doesn't expect perfection, nor does he expect you to never lose hope. At least that is the way I feel. We do our best. Some of us are saddled with more than others.

If you are not already seeing a therapist, do so. It may take some time to find one that suits you, but getting to the bottom of why you are depressed, be it emotional, chemical or both, will help you.

I do understand the feeling of wanting to just give up. In '98, I finished my DVM degree, something I had wanted since i was 6 years old and worked my butt off for 8 years to get it. The income also gave me the freedom to own a horse, my second dream of a lifetime. Three years later, I came down with a chronic pain condition. Since then, I slowly lost the ability to work, couldn't get out to see my horse, the fallout from the original pain caused more. I've lost everything. My day consists of picking one activity for an hour or so, then laying down and holding still to keep the pain at bay. None of the meds work anymore. Occassionally I am able to get into work for three or so hours. That flattens me for days afterwards.

There are days when it doesn't seem worth it to keep going. Still, there are people in our lives that love us and need us. For me it is my good friend. For you, your son. If you haven't already, sit him down and explain to him what you are going through. kids don't always know. I lost my son in a divorce my senior year of college. Until recently, I thought he understood why I couldn't make it to visit him (he is three states away). He didn't know. He only had the poison from my ex, but that isn't relevant here. Now that he knows, his attitude has changed and we are closer. Don't assume your son understands. Its hard for kids to really grasp, but knowing that you are trying, love him just as much but can't function like many parents will give him information that he needs. Kids are precious, they grow up fast and you only get one chance with each. Don't give up. Life can change quickly, and often for the better.

Sam2

[LadyShadow]

I know how you feel totally. I am just existing too. I know its hard to break free. I am 33 years old so I understand where you are coming from. I can't offer any advice, but I can offer you support and some hugs.

[mobjack]

I don't have any advice. All I have to offer is my understanding of your situation cause I am in a similar situation of having lost all hope. Just so you know that you are not alone. Perhaps we will both find hope in these forums.......

[invisiblegrl]

Thanks everyone. The more I read on these forums, the more I see that so many of us are dealing with very similar situations. I hope we can all help one another.

@Sam2, I'm so glad you were able to reconnect with your son. My older brother is divorced and I have a soft heart for fathers who get torn from their children after divorce, in ways that mothers usually don't, and how mothers can take advantage of all that.

My father is major depressed also, it runs in the family and is often talked about a lot. My son and I have good communication and he is such a good kid, I am so blessed to have him. He deserved better though, but I can't change that, and he loves me anyway.

[ChangingMyMind]

I have to applaud you and everybody else who is dealing with depression on a daily basis and makes it through victorious. Yes, victorious! Making it through the day sometimes can be a victory. I have had days where I also felt as though there was no hope and no purpose. I am thankful those days have been few but even those few were difficult for me so I can't even imagine this occurring daily for a long period of time. You sound very strong!

Have you tried therapy or medication? I know for me medication really helps, it gets me back to where I can function again and be pretty close to my 100% or at least what I can remember my 100% being. I've been dealing with depression for 11 years but I am happy to say most of that time has been managed well with medicine.

I certainly do not have the answers but like the others who posted I do offer my support.

[invisiblegrl]

@Changingmymind. Yes I am on medication adderall for my ADHD and cymbalta for depression. I've tried a few other anti depressants and non of them worked at all, cymbalta makes it so I am not walking around wishing I had the guts to kill myself everyday, so I am happy with that for now and I don't want to mess with meds to much at this time.

I've never done therapy, there isn't really anything I like out here in rural arizona. The psychiatrist I see is over a computer at a local doctors office. She is good, but it feels very impersonal to me so I just discuss how the meds are working and go on my way. Its the only option available to me at this time anyways. Maybe someday this country will start taking mental health a little bit more seriously.

I'm glad medication is working for you, I hope it always will.

[Altered Moment]

A year ago after fighting this depression and throwing everything at it except the kitchen sink I too gave up all hope. I have fought so hard and tryed so many things over the years that I just got plain tired and lost all hope. The depressions keep coming and getting worse. Maybe I was hoping it would get cured with all the meds and work I had done. I have come to the conclusion I have a long term chronic disease that doesn't respond to treatment that I have to live with and manage. It effects all areas of my life. I have managed to find some hope and contentment and acceptance in that.

First - hold on to your religion / faith. There is no end to what it can do for you.

Next - maybe you are approaching the end of safe childbearing age. But that does not mean that you and your (someday) hubby could not adopt or be foster parents.

Who knows where God leads us. But know that He does have a purpose for you.

[Fuzzybear]