[BeachGaBulldog]

I just need to vent. I am so tired of the depression. I am 54 years old and have suffered with it since I was a teenager. It wasn't until I was 32 that I was diagnosed with it.
I am so tired of feeling like this. I have no energy. I force myself to get out of my apartment every day, but if I could I would just stay in it.
I have wanted to die for a long time, but I am scared to kill myself. I am afraid of the pain, and don't want to leave a mess for someone to clean up.
Suffice to say, I wish that I was never born. I didn't ask to be brought into this world. I hate this world and everything it represents. I only have one friend. There is noone else.
I have been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts 4 times. Suicide is constantly on my mind because I hate my life. I am a failure at everything that I have ever done. Relationships, jobs, etc.
I am on disability for severe depression, and pray to God every night to just let me die. Ok, I am through venting.

[Altered Moment]

I can relate. I am 50 years old and have suffered from it since the 7th grade. I also was not diagnosed until I was 32. Depression has ruined every aspect of my life as I see it now.
I am appealing disability right now and hope and pray I get it.

[BeachGaBulldog]

I hope that you get it, too. I was denied my first try, but got it on my second one. Yeah, life does suck.

[mulan]

I'm very sorry for your suffering...forcing yourself to live during so many years, just seems terrible. I'm still young, but I don't know if I could handle so many time living a life like that.
We don't chose to born, but we aren't also free to decide if we realy want to be here...I wonder what kind of freedom to chose our own paths, when we can't make a choice about the most basic thing.

I believe I have struggled with depression & anxiety (& gender identity issues) since before I can remember. I recall my mother saying that I was a colicky baby & when she would try to hold me to comfort me I would become rigid. I'm now 65. I didn't become involved with the mental health system until I was in my 50's.

I grew up at a time when acknowledging that one had a mental illness was anathema. I've said, in the past, that my parents would have understood me going to prison better than they would have understood me being involuntarily committed to a psych ward! As a result, as I have also said numerous times, if denial had been blankets, I'd have been crushed by the weight... I denied, denied, denied... Everyone else could see it. But they were more than happy to pretend they didn't & I was too intimidated & closed off to acknowledge it.

I am SO tired of fighting all of this! Sometimes I feel like I just can't stand it another minute! I pray every day for ol' rosin-the-bow to make off with me. I've made 2 serious attempts of my own (plus some other downright silly ones.) I've also self-harmed to the point where I now have permanent injuries as a result. Everyone around me is still more than happy to pretend that nothing is really wrong. I'm not afraid to do the job myself. I've been to the edge enough that it no longer scares me. But I have a wife who needs me & I have to keep struggling for her sake. So I do.

[Idiot17]

cam't imagine that many years.....
(((((beachgabulldog)))))

[BeachGaBulldog]

Yes, and to not be diagnosed until I was 32 really sucked. Thanks for the replies.

[Tangerine87]

Me too, I don't have the guts so far to kill myself. I've tried many times and have also seen a lot of death so I feel very guilty. I've concocted a million plans. But haven't had the guts to carry them. Instead I destroy my body so that I die naturally ASAP. Sometimes I wish for bad things like a heart attack to happen to me.