[A hopeless optimist]

My closest friend and roommate of 5 years has noticed that this year I've been acting differently. At first she'd try to do things for me--make me meals, check in on me, plan fun things for us to get out of the house, etc. Though I appreciated the gestures, I felt like a charity case and just wanted to be left alone because I was embarrassed and frustrated about how I felt. Especially because I've known her for a long time and know that she is someone who doesn't really understand psychological disorders because she is a very confident and carefree person. Soon she began to pull away and be in the house less. So I talked to her--told her how I've been feeling and apologized for how it is affecting her. She said she was worried about me and has talked to others about it, and appreciated me talking to her. That was a week ago. I thought things would be better, but now I almost never see her...I feel abandoned, but is that fair of me? In her eyes I am not trying to get better. Or maybe she just doesn't know what to do. I am worried this will ruin our friendship and I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts?

[Curupira]

It really sucks that you have to deal with this. In my experience most people don't know how to respond because they do not have a frame of reference. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and he is only recently been able to wrap his mind around what is going on in my head. He loves me dearly but it is just so outside his experience that he did not know how to help.

What helped was me talking him through my emotions, and teaching him the difference between when the depression is talking and whe. i am talking. He loves comics and games so I found him some web comics and online games that would show him what it was like for someone experiencing depression.

In this case it worked. He is my biggest support and advocate and can even tell when I am going to spiral before I can sometimes. I am very lucky.

On the other hand I have also lost people due to this illness. Depression is a lot to take on and our societies understanding of mental illness is not what it ought to be.

In the end it is up to you. Do you want to try and reach out, or is it time to let her go? There is no wrong answer here. It is simply about what you can and cannot do at this particular point in time.

Hope this helps

I think depression has guilt as a younger sister.....

I understand...Probably every one of us has had some interpretation of what you wrote happen to us.

People are compassionate and try to help...which is truly good of them. But, and this is my opinion only, people think that if they "help" you through it, then you will show some improvement.....but depression doesn't work that way. Then I think that they feel as if they tried their best but you're not responding (of course, you can't) then they feel a little bad about that and tend to withdraw.....

It's not personal and you shouldn't feel that you did anything "wrong". You are simply, temporarily, a slightly different person than you were before.

That's why depression is so isolating. Unless your friend has experienced it, she has no idea. And she might not know how to proceed.

I suggest that you email and try to explain that it's not as if you can control what's happening to you. You appreciate her support and it doesn't go unnoticed. And tell her that her just thinking of you and saying hi to you means the world.

TBH and you won't like this....but some friends can't handle this. It's not their fault and it's not your fault.

[LadyShadow]

People get frustrated if they feel they are giving and giving and they are not receiving anything in return. Depression is tough because we just don't feel like giving back, I know I don't like giving back when I am in a very low mood. She probably got tired of trying to get you out of your funk. I know you feel abandoned, but maybe its time you get out and do stuff out on your own and become more independent (I know its hard) and not worry about her too much because she is out enjoying her life.

Once she sees you out of your shell, she might be more open to doing stuff with you again. I know its hard to swallow, but she is probably just tired of giving so much and she just doesn't understand your depression. That is that just my opinion.

That's a really tough situation to be in. I think she might just be a little sad that she hasn't really seen a difference of what she's done (which is silly and don't feel guilty about it).

As tough as this sounds, you can really see where your true friends are when it comes to illness. Your friend seems sweet but she doesn't really understand that depression isn't a short term thing. You've done what you can with explaining and apologizing to her but the rest really is on her end. I think the best thing you can do is try to surround yourself with people who can handle it a bit better.

I guess, in some aspects my roommate did a better job. Although I wasn't really open about it but I was taking my medication and she asked what it was for and I just said "drugs" with crazy eyes to laugh it off but I eventually was coerced a bit more and she guessed it. But I don't act any different around her and she only acts different when someone else mentions something that might be triggering for me (joking about suicide and etc). Then again I'm also very careful in not acting depressed around people. I very rarely act sad although on some days I won't leave my room and then she'll knock on the door and check if I'm alright. But other than hiding in my room a lot and having a kind of wacky sleeping schedule sometimes, no one would be able to tell. And honestly that's how I prefer it.

I guess if you really want to mend the relationship you kind of have to tell her that she doesn't need to check on you all the time and all that. I mean, maybe the first step would be trying to invite her to do something outside. Show her that you're still really you. I don't really know how you acted around her before and after she knew about the depression but that's also something to consider. Some people just can't handle stuff like this well :/ my sister doesn't really get it either but I don't see her often so it doesn't affect me too much.

Either way best of luck and keep us updated!

[A hopeless optimist]

Thank you all so much for the perspective. These are difficult things to accept but I do see the points you are making.

Recently I really have been going out and having my own life with other groups of friends. I do it fairly often; those are the majority of my social interactions. It's easier for me to be with them because I can better hide or ignore depressed feelings. It's difficult for me to 'fake' with closer friends.

But I can check in with her about things, see how she's feeling. I have definitely been thinking about myself too much recently and though verbally I don't express it, it is apparent in my body language and actions at home. Basically she only gets to see the sad me nowadays and I could do a better job of keeping that to myself, being there for her, and focusing on the positives around her.

Thank you all for your thoughts! It is very helpful. I will be sure to keep you posted.

[Altered Moment]

I posted an image on facebook to see what kind of reaction I would get. It is of two brain scans one depressed and one not. It didn't state anything to to with me just an image. You can see it is this thread-
http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...ression-4.html
One of my friends responded with this-

Don't just sit there...get active! Get out of where you are and be active. Go for a walk, go to the library, the shopping mall. Break the cycle of being alone! Dispel the self defeating thoughts! Talk to a counselor that you trust. Depression can live inside of us if we feed and care for it. Convert negative thoughts to think positively. You will be happy! Self esteem is the experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges on life's terms and being worthy of happiness.

He is trying to help but does not know how. He doesn't realize that it makes me feel alot worse. To me I feel like he is saying get off your *** you lazy slob and if you would just so this or that your would be cured. People don't get it and don't know how to help and get frustrated when you don't do what they think you should be doing. I have had many arguments with friends over the nature of this disease to try to get them to understand. None have ever really abandoned me but they do kinda give up on me or just leave me alone when I am depressed.

[A hopeless optimist]

That is very interesting to see that picture, and to read how different people respond to it. I see what you mean, people often have the right intentions but might not have a fundamental understanding of the problem or may oversimplify the solution. Thank you for sharing that.

[Altered Moment]

Yes depression is a very complicated thing. They don't understand it completely. There are many causes and factors. Most people mean well and want to help. It is human nature that if there is a problem lets solve it. People want to fix you. The problem is there is no simple solution. People are very different in the causes of their depression and the treatments that may work. They are making progress in research.

[Curupira]

I think part of it is also that the struggle is invisible. If the individual is visibly ill or disabled it is easier for people to understand they can see both the struggle and the cause for it.

With brain disorders it just looks like we are sad all the time or acting strange for no reason. There is no visual reminder that there is something actually wrong. It is not just depression sufferers that deal with this. I live in a military community and we have people who suffer from TBI or PTSD that have a hard time getting a diagnosis because they look fine.

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by Curupira

I think part of it is also that the struggle is invisible. If the individual is visibly ill or disabled it is easier for people to understand they can see both the struggle and the cause for it.

With brain disorders it just looks like we are sad all the time or acting strange for no reason. There is no visual reminder that there is something actually wrong. It is not just depression sufferers that deal with this. I live in a military community and we have people who suffer from TBI or PTSD that have a hard time getting a diagnosis because they look fine.

I heard the government or the VA is now saying those coming back with PTSD were prone to depression before they left. What a croc. The suicide rate wouldn't be so much higher for vets than the general population if that were the case. And they have done studies on abuse and trauma victims and brain scans and it does change the brain.

[Curupira]

Yeah, the treatment of vets is always behind the time. It is better now than after the Vietnam war but there is a lot of room for improvement.