[surfacetoair]

So I've had some turbulence lately and both my T and doc are concerned about some manic behaviors. I think they are correct in their assessment, as I came clean with them so to speak. I couldn't bring myself to mention that despite bouncing off the walls, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about suicide. I'm stressed out but not depressed, and I don't feel any inclination to do anything, but the thoughts and ideas are there nevertheless. I should have told either one of them, but people get antsy about that. I'm no threat to myself right now, but who knows how I'll be in a month? It almost seems contradictory to me, but i wonder if I should bring it up anyway. I'm avoiding him as it is because I'm not taking the lithium I agreed to take and he's wanting to know how I'm tolerating it. Tonights forums are pretty busy with people who are suffering, and I can relate. I also feel a little hypocritical for posting knowing what's going on in my head.

[Frankbtl]

Hi surfacetoair, I'm sorry things have been so hard for you lately, it must be really tough for you feeling out of control of things/feelings/thoughts at times. But it is really good that you're holding onto some real insight into what's going on and wanting help with it.
And I've got to agree with you, it would be good if you could tell your T or your pdoc about what's going on, and if they were to get ansty then that's their problem not yours they should still help you with what's going on although they should be understanding and supportive. They should have helped plenty of people with issues like yours so they should have have plenty of insight about how to best help you.
So real kudos to you on telling them as much as you have already, but if you could just tell them a bit more???
And the not taking your lithium..........well you know that really isn't a good idea if it's prescribed, but I'm sure you have real reasons e.g. worry about side effects, the way it may make you feel, the way it may stop you feeling...........?????
So maybe just be straight up with him about the reasons you have problems with taking it, he should understand those reasons because other people can struggle with it too. And then maybe he can support you a little more in making those decisions about taking it, help you feel more comfortable in taking it??
And if you were taking it but stopped because...........there can still be options e.g. adding a medication to help with side effects, changing the times of day you're taking it, giving you higher doses to take but less frequently or lower doses to take more frequently...........
And hey, never feel hypocritical about posting on here
What's going on for you/how you're feeling is important!! So as much as you feel able to say, hey??
Alison

[surfacetoair]

I've been on lamictal for quite a while and it's been effective for the most part. I also take a low dose of gabapentin, welbutrin, klonopin, and a few other things for physical ailments. I might should clarify that I have good doctors, both in terms of skills and understanding, but my concern is if I voice this, they'll want to ramp up medications and I wouldn't be surprised if they brought up the hospital. Oh wait, he already did, which is why I agreed to try lithium. I accepted maintenance medications years ago, but lithium to me represents failure. I also believe this is temporary and is situational in nature. I also think the preoccupation is more about the OCD then anything.

[Frankbtl]

Hi surfacetoair, I wouldn't say that taking lithium would make you a failure in any way at all
Maybe the whole way it was prescribed didn't help either i.e. the "threat" of the hospital if you didn't try it??
But.......the maintenance medications you've accepted.........well that is pretty much what lithium is anyway......a stabilizer. And it doesn't need to mean that you're so "ill" that you may need lithium.........it more means that might just so happen to be the medication to help you in being "well". It seriously doesn't have to define you in any way that lithium may work for you.
Different medications work for different people and the most important thing is that you have the medication/s to help you, no matter what that is.
But if you feel it's temporary and you need different support or medications then maybe just write down before your appointment everything that makes you feel that, the more information they get the better anyway, right?? And if after all of that they are still suggesting lithium then get them to fully explain why and a bit more about the medication. Afterall if you were to take it you want to know why and be doing it for more reasons than an alternate to the hospital.
But explaining what's going on for you might also make them rethink/reassess what you actually need???

Alison

[Abe Froman]

It wasn't this forum, but other places people said they don't feel they can tell their T about suicidal thoughts. I told my T that and she said they need to find a new therapist.

But you already said your doctors are understanding. As long as you don't have a current plan and time and all that then they won't send you to the hospital I think. Honestly, I felt so much better telling my T everything. She was concerned, we addressed some of her concerns like removing things from my house. But I think we've built a little trust and therefore I still feel like I can be completely honest in sessions. I told my family doctor too, he's the one that prescribed my meds and I wanted him to know the facts so I could get the right meds.

[surfacetoair]

I make my "team" sound bad which really isn't the case. I think the motivation is to keep me out of the hospital as far as the lithium goes. My aversion to it is hard to explain. I've enjoyed several years of stability for the most part and I have meds to thank for it. Last year the paradigm shifted and I think I have post surgery opioid IV's to thank for that. I've almost digressed here. I have a great therapist, I just know he was really adamant about me seeing the doctor because of the stuff I did tell him. Had I told him the rest, he probably would have gotten the doctor himself. And truthfully, I know the answers to the questions I've asked but the truth is inconvenient. And a little scarey. It's hard to keep on point and I had to see it laid out in a different arrangement so to speak. I guess when I call him back, I should also tell him that I stopped taking the klonopin.