I think I've gone back..(trigger!!!!!...sounds suicidal, but not!!!!)

When I was 12 years old I wanted to die. I had a plan. I had a letter. I was going to do it. My plan was destroyed...that's another story. I think I've gone back there. I don't have a letter...but I know an easy way to end it. There is tons of medication in my house. All I have to do is take it...not hard, choke down some pills...pass out..die. Although I don't really think that I want to die...I want my pain to end. I want the [censored] to end. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of dealing. I don't want to do it anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that my sister, dad, and mom need me. My mom is sick, and my sister relies on me...mostly. That's really all that is keeping me here. I don't really have any friends...at least not ones that would particurally care if I were gone. I have dreams, I put myself to sleep, dreaming of dying. I dream that I take a ton of pills, and chase them w/ vodka. Then I cut myself to pieces. And I lay there and die, in my own blood... This is my way of going to sleep. It puts me to sleep. That is sad, but true. I used to have joy in my heart. Now it's just empty. I have to pretend all day everyday. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have all this stuff to be happy about, but I'm not. I am miserable. I have to push everything back, and just try to deal. It doesn't work so well, and this is where the cutting comes in. And lots of it. I act like I'm happy, but I'm not. I feel no joy. I don't know what that is. I can't feel anything, except emptiness. And the emptiness is what is killing me. I am dying from the inside out. And my ouside wants to kill the thing that is eating away at my inside. Blood is all that can kill it away, and that is not even working anymore. *sigh*

I am sorry for ranting...but I just don't know where else to turn. I can't talk to anyone, because they will worry..and I can't handle people worrying about me. Anyway....

[b] Wake me up inside...I can't wake up...Save me...Save me from the nothing I've become!!![b]

dreamer, i'm really sorry to hear that. I know what it's like to be miserable, although i don't cut myself, but i still no what it's like to feel empty. I'm sorry i can't tell you that everything will get better, although i hear that it will. Well, i can tell you that your not alone, just keep trying, prove that it will work.

Dreamer....

i completly understand what you are going through. i felt the same way when i was in high school...my mom was sick and i had alot of pressure from parents. i did the pills too. i complely understand....but having a sister is a big responsibility. my sister, kimmy, has kept me alive so many times. the thought of not seeing her wedding or seeing her graduate from college.....makes me think that maybe it's not so bad.

i did the cutting too. that's a hard one to fight.i've been battling it for about 3 years now...and i sometimes still do it. it's a daily battle...u have to take it one day at a time....and sometimes u will slip....but u have to remind yourself of all the things that are beautiful in your world. like your sister, and your parents. they are there for you....believe it or not....

good luck....god bless.....if you need more help let me know....i'm you but in a differnt body it sounds like

...was wondering how you were dreamer... <font color=purple> (((dreamer))) We know the feeling of wanting it all to end... but it isn't really our life we want to end, but the way our life is going ! We want change! Sometimes we have to wait for those changes.. and waiting becomes like it's impossible.

Hang in there ... come here more often, there are plenty of ppl who will help support you... I don't recall your situation regarding professional help, but it's really tough to get through these times without them

good wishes coming your way

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

my darling dreamer.................................

putting out a helping wing, let me help you..
sitting on top no longer helps, so I will walk beside you, will that help..


<font color=purple>

my needs come second
for if they did not
then I would not be a very good Friend

To everyone:

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. I don't really know what to say anymore. I see a new therapist tomorrow. Don't really want to, but I have to. *sigh*

[b] These wounds won't seem to heal...this pain is just too real..there's just too much that time cannot erase....[b]