am back: possible trigger again.

the weekend away frankly did nothing for me. felt dead the entire time. apart from the overwhelming panic of course. whenever that cropped up it was actually worse than feeling dead to the happiness happening around me.
have figured out im back to being seriously depressed. maybe my meds are stopping working at this stage? all i know is ive been drunk or at least drinking non stop since last thursday and life sucks. tried si on thursday but was too drunk to do any real damage. would try it tonight but am hoping when i lie down i ll just pass out. however today ive so far eaten two bowls of serial which ive kept down, a portion of wedges with garlic pizza bread and a couple of pizza slices which i threw up and then the rest of the pizza. followed by a bottle and a half of wine and some chicken with cashew nuts and chips along with a couple of forkfuls of chicken fried rice which i also threw up. now im comtemplating finishing the chicken fried rice and the three portions of prawn crackers before throwing up again or just passing out in bed.
the problem is i feel i need to figure out something to talk to T about tomorrow but i cant focus on anything. last week we left it with her asking if i had any abuse history or if there was anything i wanted to tell her. i said no to both. i have no idea what to say tomorrow. its enough to make me opt for more bingeing, purging and eating instead of passing out. or maybe some si. i really want to just make it all stop. but whatever i do i ll end up waking up in the morning and having to deal with it then. life sucks.
so i bet you re all glad to have my whinging back. lol.
why isnt there a smiley that pulls its own tongue out or nails a metal plate over its mouth?

hon drinking or doing the si thing are not the right thing to do. you just regret it later. hang here with us. (((hugs)))

Hi Biiv,

Welcome home.....you know I have to say, for me, if I was eating all that combination of foods you are talking about & drowning it with 1 1/2 bottles of wine, I would be puking my head off without ever having to make myself do it. The worst part of throwing up for me is that it breaks all the blood vessels in the whites of my eyes & then all over my face.....can you picture a person with completely blood red whites of their eyes & little red pin marks all over their face......that's me!!!!!

You are wondering about what to talk about with your T tomorrow....how about talking about what is causing your depression to be getting worse? Maybe that is actually too far along the road......I know for me, sometimes I can't even identify that & need help at the very basic point...it's not always easy to identify from within....& it helps to have someone assist with the very basics? Helping you to identify the causes of the problems.....because sometimes without finding the causes, we canot stop the actions....no matter how destructive they are.

The one thing to remember however is that alcohol is a depressant, so if you are drinking more, you will be feeling more depressed...just a fact of life. But there is something making you feel like you have to drink.....that is where a therapist could help you identify that?

Just some suggestions for your appointment tomorrow. I hope you will be feeling better soon. It is sad when we get to the point where we feel that we have to hurt ourselves to feel better.

Take care of yourself....I care,
Debbie (your 2nd mother?)

thanks bebop. thing is life sucks anyway so regret is something im so used to. reading on this site is keeping me sane though. or as sane as i can be! its getting me out of my own head. lord only knows what id be doing right now if i wasnt here. PC really is a saviour.
any idea though what is the right thing when you re in a state like this? cant sit still without watching tv, reading online and listening to music at the same time to keep myself occupied. reading anything sensitive sends me straight into dissociation where i can read the same thing three plus times and not have a clue what id says. and thats befoe the alcohol.
meditation this evening would have done my head in because theres no way i could have concentrated at all. it would have been a crying fest if anything. writing felt like tearing my own heart out. i felt too sick and tired to exercise. so what does that leave in the way of healty coping strategies? i tried watching kids programes to calm my inner child earlier and i went from objectively criticing them to wantig to cry. i was out of ideas so wine won.
i know. just shoot me. lol. a bottle and a half is just about enough to calm me but not enough to send me to bed or to particularly addle my brain. especially when i ve been drinking every day since thursday. now if i started the liquore i have i might be in trouble! lol.
thanks for posting though bebop. please ignore this ramble. you have so much going on yourself.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) for you too. thanks again.

hey debbie
i have to thank the powers that be for letting me be able to throw up easily without many physical consequences. however i think its a good thing that a reaction like that happens for you because at least that rules this out as a coping mechanism for you.
i cant talk to my T about what is making my depression worse. i could identify it if i tried. obsessing about stuff that has no meaning in reality. thats whats doing it. now if i could turn up out of my mind drunk tomorrow maybe i could talk about it but not sober! lol. i know why i feel like this. i think. i just dont understand why it has this effect on me. there had to be something else. its like blaming a fast merry go round for ptsd. it doesnt make sense. there are so many questions i cant ask and that no one can answer even if i could ask.
all i can say to T to describe why i am drinking more is this feeling of desperation. i dont think she s interested in that. unless i can pin something more concrete to it.
i was going to answer your message from the other thread. copied it to a word document so i wouldnt forget it cos i didnt want to keep hijacking that thread!
so i may as well respond to that thread here. i adore my real mum even though she has made so many mistakes and made me so incredibly mad. i know she only does these things from the goodness of her heart. ive shared a heck of a lot with her recently i never thought i would but there are still things i dont know how to share with myself or my T nevermind her.
i also have a lot going on for myself but i try to be there for my mum as much as possible (again her excellent parenting skills kick in! lol). i listen to her as much as i can and then have recently learned to say 'thats enough' when i cant deal with any more.
i have been at least supporting if not pushing my mother towards separation for the last couple of years and i really understand how unbelievably hard it is do decide that without support. let me just say please that i am here to listen to you if you want to pm me about anything. i really mean that. supporting (or pushing??) my mother into this has left me with a lot of issues to resolve for myself but also with a fairly clear idea, objectively, of what is healthy and what is not so im willing to share my thoughts at any time if you think it might be helpful or just want an extra opinion.
my mum, like you btw, is getting better at saying what she feels and to heck with what others think. its up to her/your husband to care what you think and act accordingly so, in my view, whats wrong with being blunt!
i would love you to adopt me btw cos i have a long history with loving horses but being forced away from them and because i am a huge doggie lover! as well of course because i admire your courage, strength, determination, imagination (whatever you say about not having an imagination! ) and independence. you represent someone i would love to be when i am older. (as in not OLD but older than the 26 i am now!)
i always seem to be following you round this board just agreeing with your posts btw. which makes me appreciate your answers to my posts all the more. please pm me any time you might have a doubt or want to talk ok? and thank you so much.
(((((((((((((((((((debbie))))))))))))))))))))))
oh and also thats what Ts are there for in a way! to be dumped on! hehe.

ps i meant to ask if anyone can suggest any topics i could bring up safely with T tomorrow or any avenues i could use to bring up topics i dont feel comfortable with i would really appreciate it! though i guess this question should go in the psychotherapy forum...

biiv, sorry I don't have any advice on what to bring up with your T. I just wanted you to know I do care and wanted to offer soft gentle hugs if thats ok with you

))))biiv(((((


Dee

thanks Dee.
(((((((((dee)))))))))))))

Biiv,

I am so sorry you are going through such a complicated thinking time in your life. I know for me, there have been many points like that which actually end up being turning points in my life. It's like the past isn't working, but the future has no form or shape, giving the feeling of complete desparation & confusion. It's like being at the edge of a black hole. When I am at a point like that, I don't even know what thoughts to have, so all kinds of meaningless things pop into my mind.

It's not something I could explain...how can you explain something that you don't even know???? Usually I didn't even know that it was a turning point....it just felt that everything was wrong & nothing was right nor could I figure out what should be right so the mind wanders to anything that comes into it.

The worst one of those times, I totally gave up on life & all I could think of was ending it all. Those were the worst case of hurting myself that could have ever possibly been. It ranged from OD'ing to anorexia to anything that popped into my mind.

I have been thinking about your post & trying to come up with some suggestions of what might be things to talk about in your therapy session this morning...(sorry I have taken so long....have a slow mind right now) . You say that you know why you feel the way you do, but don't know why it is effecting you the way it's doing??? (if I read that right?) Maybe you could touch on some of the why's. You have a lot going on in your life...including the stress of supporting your mother.

Sometimes when I just start talking about what is going on in my life in therapy, it magically brings up some of the things that are bothering me & gives them some insight as to asking other questions that lead to other things....kinda the "snowball effect ". The reason that talking while drunk seems to work is because, in most cases, alcohol releases our inhibitions & lets us talk about what our mind it thinking.....otherwise, our mind stops us from saying those things when we actually think about them.

Maybe you could talk about how supporting your Mother is effecting you. What thoughts are in your mind & how you are feeling when you are doing that. All of a sudden, the roles have been changed because it's parents that are supposed to be listening to us, not the other way around. Sometimes just talking about anything will bring up points to give the therapist insight on what to work on. Maybe you could figure out those questions you can't ask...bit at a time...not necessarily wanting answers, but they can give insight as to what is making you ask those questions....which may be more important than actually answering them anyway.

When I first started with therapy, I just sat there week after week after week without saying anything. That was a total waste of money.

I appreciate your compliments....thank you.....(blushing bright red). I appreciate you being willing to share with me your ideas & thoughts about separations. It would definitely be a good thing to see how others feel about separating...even new thoughts I haven't even recognized are good to learn about. I always appreciate other opinions. These are things that help me think my situation through much better with more information to draw from.

It is so sad that with your love of horses you have been forced away from them....we can talk about that in a PM.

I hope your day goes better today....you are in my prayers that come with a lot of gentle hugz,
(((((((((((((((Biiv)))))))))))))))),
Debbie (your adopted Mom)

ps: will PM when I get some time

well i made it to T today. took some hyperventilating on the way but i made it. im only getting your post now but i did manage to talk a bit anyway. thanks so much for taking the time to give me some suggestions though. there was still a lot of staring at the floor but i brought up a couple of things that were really bothering me. just brought them up. couldnt really talk about them but its something at least i think.
i also told her as much as i could about why im finding it so difficult to talk about some stuff and that i dont have a clear a to z plan about the topics im thinking of which scares me. she reminded me therapy is about saying what you re thinking regardless of whether its logical or not and suggested i write some of the stuff down and bring it in next week. i think i ll try to do that.
that 'edge of a black hole' is a perfect description. i was calling it the edge of the cliff myself today. my mind is just totally out of control. ive avoided si so far and hope to keep that up. ive been here before several times and when im in a positive mood sometimes it seems that periods like this are a step of growth but when in them it really doesnt feel like that at all.
you said Maybe you could figure out those questions you can't ask...bit at a time...not necessarily wanting answers, but they can give insight as to what is making you ask those questions....which may be more important than actually answering them anyway." thats exactly what i want. to know why these things are in my head. the questions and thoughts and feelings. and how to get them out.
i ll look forward to chatting in pm if and when you get a chance. will be offline for two days again from tomorrow so dont worry if i dont get back immediately.
((((((((((((adopted mom))))))))))))) lol

((((((((((((((((( biiv )))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((fuzzybeary)))))))))))))))))))))