[ToeJam]

Been umming and arring over writing this the last couple of days… partly berating myself and partly because I don’t know if I see the point.

I’m a bugger for tangents so, I apologise if this goes down different paths.

For some odd reason, one of the things that keeps me going (beyond responsibilities and guilt if I don’t) is movies… I think of all the great films that I’d love to watch, that I absorb myself into entirely… much like my day dreams and imaginations (got a complex fantasy (of magic and mythology rather than a dirty mind ) that I absorb myself into, only way I can get to sleep or detach myself from the anxiety of daily crap). In the recent month that has been Catching Fire… which I just watched tonight. And like that, that thing to hold onto is gone for I don’t know when another catches my fancy.

In a recent thread, I mentioned a rather ‘interesting’ piece of homework my T gave me… not sure if it was the intent but it blew up in my face (had to ask people for feedback on characteristics they saw in me). I suppose the hurt and shock has died down… but I’m starting to feel numb again, and as if that respite I had been in is starting to unravel.

It’s damaged some of the trust I have in my T… and sadly due to being prone to mulling and as I only see her every second week… that could deepen by the time next Monday comes.

Other things have been bothering me too… that she mentions I dissociate… but has left me hanging for what could be month+ until we do some scale test… which in itself seems futile (I despise standardised tests… probably me having my own head up my arse from my undergrad course)… but whatever comes from it will be ‘her’ observations… which means tiddly squat in terms of what a pdoc might think… or even another T down the line.

Another issue being that she brought up nurture, and how that T’s are like surrogate parents (she probably saw the flash in my eyes at this and added ‘though in adult conversation') helping to rework aspects that the client did not develop in their own upbringing.

I don’t know why my back goes up at this… well I do… I essentially brought myself up and I had little faith or time for others input due to inconsistencies and essentially abuse… but meh, point being… I just wish she hadn’t brought that bit up.

On top of all that… I’m alone in the office again for a week (usual staffing is 3) due to holidays and illness… and the last time this happened, I had an emotional breakdown… so I’m a little tense.

No real idea of what’s wrong with me anymore, starting to feel isolated again… and yeah, feels like the quiet before the storm… and it’s really worrying me.

[ToeJam]

2 hours and no reply. Pretty much sums it up

Sorry for what I suppose seems like a rant and worried ramblings. No outlet anywhere else :shrug:

[healingme4me]

Wish I could click a hug button, through tapatalk. I'd read, earlier, but alas, no immediate hug button, nor, time to write..

Spent a good portion of the last hour perhaps 45 minutes, living through a meltdown...it was over food.

So, these characteristics, only focused on negative? What type of homework, was that?

Even in business, it's taught, positive, negative, positive. Geesh, no wonder it felt like that for you!

Dear friends,
Please only focus on my negatives today. Please insult me, please point out further negatives that I haven't even considered, when I'm self vilifying.
Thanks.

PS, I've depression, so the worst it is, please toss in there, getting lower than I am, is my ultimate therapy goal, so I can get healed by my T.

Who wouldn't disassociate, on that note?



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[Altered Moment]

I have been wondering how your assignment was going.

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[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Wish I could click a hug button, through tapatalk. I'd read, earlier, but alas, no immediate hug button, nor, time to write..

I understand... And sorry for I guess playing the 'no one has replied card'... I guess when you're doubting yourself anyway the 'oh crap' button gets pressed a little

Spent a good portion of the last hour perhaps 45 minutes, living through a meltdown...it was over food.

If that was due to being hungry and having to cook.. I can relate. Been times I've worked myself up to the point of having no appetite once it's all done.

So, these characteristics, only focused on negative? What type of homework, was that?

Even in business, it's taught, positive, negative, positive. Geesh, no wonder it felt like that for you!

Dear friends,
Please only focus on my negatives today. Please insult me, please point out further negatives that I haven't even considered, when I'm self vilifying.
Thanks.

PS, I've depression, so the worst it is, please toss in there, getting lower than I am, is my ultimate therapy goal, so I can get healed by my T.

Well you got a smile out of me at that.

I don't think that was her intent, but that's what happened.

Been a bit crappy over that past few days... Asked them to hold fire on talking to me about it further till the next t session day... But yeah, I don't think I'm going to be a happy camper... As well, I'll know what they think and have to continue trying to work effectively whilst managing mood which is not easy anyway.

[liquidfox]

I know what you mean about movies - I watch one every night because it helps to escape from myself and my negative thinking.
I'd be lost without them.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ToeJam, the therapy seems to be going a little down the lines of YOU and HER instead of YOU and HER. As in you both being in this together, a partnership, you both working together as a "team" if that makes sense?
Now I'm not for a second saying you're not "complying" but it shouldn't really be as much about "complying" it's should be more about you being able to take more control, more of a lead in working forward.
Do you think you'd be able to talk to her about discussing between you the way forward? And if she's going to give you "assignments" then maybe agree the pro's and con's between yourselves (and prepare yourself with her support for any con's if you're doing them!).
You might well still end up with assignments which are "uncomfortable" but then at least you know that and how they may be in your best interests and would have been part of the consideration. Do you think that might give you a bit more faith in her and the relationship if she's/you're both working towards a mutual goal and in agreement with things?
And if you're unhappy with what she's saying/doing, just be straight up about that, openness has to be a good thing in therapy!! Nothing wrong with that!!
Some things she might be able to explain, some things she might be able to justify, some things she might be able to learn more about you, some things might point to different kinds of support you need.
She might not always get things right, you might not always see "eye to eye" on things but all relationships are going to be like that........as long as you get to feel that you're being acknowledged, hey?
As for being alone in the office.......next time just think about how much more work you're going to get done without other people around/talking!! Think about the peace, the quite, the freedom to think (including positive thoughts!!) Make it work for you!!
Alison

[ToeJam]

Alison, you're right and in the past I have been very upfront with her... Going to try the discussion of pros v cons as well. I get very time conscious and she can rabbit on a little bit (I'm a bit of a 'get to the point' kind of guy) which could be the down side... + she leaves these tasks towards the end of the hour which doesn't give a lot of room for manoeuvre... Will have to give this some thought.

Part of the frustration is that I seem to fluctuate between 2 states (very calm and quick thinking vs confused thrashing about in my mind)... So it's a bit of a rocky road.

Can only apologise for my erratic posting style.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, not erratic at all!! And if I'm misinterpreting you can always blame me for erratic thinking anyway instead of your posting. I don't mind, who knows!! No-one's perfect!!
But that "confused thrashing around in" your "mind" I'd say just let it out!!
If it's saying "I don't know about....", ".......feels wrong", "Wait, this feels uncomfortable, I don't know why, but........" whatever, it's still important.
So just give it some words then maybe you and your therapist can work towards figuring it out a bit more, getting to the bottom of your concerns/feelings, and finding a solution you're both happy with.
You don't have to be completely "textbook" in your concerns/"arguments"/debates do you? Afterall feelings aren't always "textbook" are they? And it's her job to be helping you in working through them. Put them out there, they matter!! All part of therapy!!
And if she learns to realize that you need a little more input about tasks then maybe she can adjust your sessions a little to accommodate for that.....move them forward in the sessions. Then again, nothing wrong with you asking for that anyway.
And nothing wrong with you intervening on her "rabbiting" e.g. saying "I know......" and elaborate, or saying "I'm sorry, but I'm just loosing the point/the thread a bit there". If it's not helping then she does kind of need to know.
Therapists can/should be good at adjusting their communication to the needs of whoever they're talking to, so just let her know "where you're coming from". You may still get a bit of "rabbiting" if that's "just her" just "her style" but if you can find a "middle ground" where her "rabbiting" could also be a little useful, along with the rest that would be good, right?
But good on you with being upfront with her in the past!!! Just a little more of that, hey? And hopefully she'll adjust her approach to you both getting through it together.
You've got a commitment to trying to make this work, right? That's all that matters!!
Best wishes
Alison

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Alison, you're right and in the past I have been very upfront with her... Going to try the discussion of pros v cons as well. I get very time conscious and she can rabbit on a little bit (I'm a bit of a 'get to the point' kind of guy) which could be the down side... + she leaves these tasks towards the end of the hour which doesn't give a lot of room for manoeuvre... Will have to give this some thought.

Part of the frustration is that I seem to fluctuate between 2 states (very calm and quick thinking vs confused thrashing about in my mind)... So it's a bit of a rocky road.

Can only apologise for my erratic posting style.

TJ, you seem to be a little like me.....I need to know what the point of something is before I will do it and why I am doing it.
In other words I need to know the where the path goes before I go blindly down it.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

For some odd reason, one of the things that keeps me going (beyond responsibilities and guilt if I don’t) is movies… I think of all the great films that I’d love to watch, that I absorb myself into entirely… much like my day dreams and imaginations (got a complex fantasy (of magic and mythology rather than a dirty mind ) that I absorb myself into, only way I can get to sleep or detach myself from the anxiety of daily crap).

Personally, I think this is great, both the movies and the talent (gift?) to construct fantasy. These may be much better than meds.

Therapists as surrogate parents... That wouldn't sit well with me, either. Analysts of childhood I can accept -- reserving the right to question and possibly reject their analyses, but re-parenters, no.

Be ready to sift wheat from chaff.

Wishing you strength (and maybe even some relief) for this week.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi, not erratic at all!! And if I'm misinterpreting you can always blame me for erratic thinking anyway instead of your posting. I don't mind, who knows!! No-one's perfect!!
But that "confused thrashing around in" your "mind" I'd say just let it out!!
If it's saying "I don't know about....", ".......feels wrong", "Wait, this feels uncomfortable, I don't know why, but........" whatever, it's still important.
So just give it some words then maybe you and your therapist can work towards figuring it out a bit more, getting to the bottom of your concerns/feelings, and finding a solution you're both happy with.
You don't have to be completely "textbook" in your concerns/"arguments"/debates do you? Afterall feelings aren't always "textbook" are they? And it's her job to be helping you in working through them. Put them out there, they matter!! All part of therapy!!
And if she learns to realize that you need a little more input about tasks then maybe she can adjust your sessions a little to accommodate for that.....move them forward in the sessions. Then again, nothing wrong with you asking for that anyway.
And nothing wrong with you intervening on her "rabbiting" e.g. saying "I know......" and elaborate, or saying "I'm sorry, but I'm just loosing the point/the thread a bit there". If it's not helping then she does kind of need to know.
Therapists can/should be good at adjusting their communication to the needs of whoever they're talking to, so just let her know "where you're coming from". You may still get a bit of "rabbiting" if that's "just her" just "her style" but if you can find a "middle ground" where her "rabbiting" could also be a little useful, along with the rest that would be good, right?
But good on you with being upfront with her in the past!!! Just a little more of that, hey? And hopefully she'll adjust her approach to you both getting through it together.
You've got a commitment to trying to make this work, right? That's all that matters!!
Best wishes
Alison

Thanks. Not much more I can add as I agree with a lot of what you're saying. I also realise that I have to give her some rope to play with... she is after all human and things aren't always going to pan out... but I'll adapt to the limitations and be more aware of what's going on. Or at least, I will endeavour to... problem with me fluctuating is I get a rush of mixed signals that can lead me headlong into what I can only call 'crisis'... so yeah... got to try and keep my head on my shoulders for as long as possible.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

TJ, you seem to be a little like me.....I need to know what the point of something is before I will do it and why I am doing it.
In other words I need to know the where the path goes before I go blindly down it.

Well, yes... I had actually stated this to her in the beginning. She advised she would try to in places, but that I needed to put some trust in as well.

So I've been trying to find a fine balance... but in the recent situation, I think I leaped before I looked without really considering the consequences... was a poor moment of judgement on my part Will be a lot more careful in future 'assignments' that involve other people.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Personally, I think this is great, both the movies and the talent (gift?) to construct fantasy. These may be much better than meds.

I've been going through moments of doubt over this... in some ways I kinda tie it into deliberately (on my part) detaching from... ummm reality is the wrong word... present circumstances. With her bringing up dissociation, it's made me worry that I'm doing something wrong when I retreat into those moments.

I've compensated into trying to make it pro-active... so I'm currently using my 'imagination' and that world to flesh out the story (potential book) on paper. At least that way I've got something to show for it... and the writing is kinda therapeutic in itself.