It's just a little much right now

I'm just feeling very off and I'm never sure how to correctly communicate this feeling. Numbness mixed with sinking mixed with anger. I don't know if that's accurate..

Things are just dim right now. I'm not sure who to talk to, I just make everyone feel helpless.

And I'm thinking about Ferris Bueller, specifically his friend Cameron, and how he just made the decision not to live the way he was living. I see my friends doing the same thing, seeing things they would rather be and working to become them. I'm afraid it may work like that for me, too, and that I'm just weak.

Emisthebomb1495, has depression allowed you enough vision to see what you would rather be?

I think I know what you're talking about. I call it the ugly sludge feeling. Kind of like acid waste that's bubbling slowly?

And hey you can always talk to me you definitely don't make me feel helpless!

Last but not least, life is a really long journey and insight into the future is always hard to find. But you are never weak for choosing to live your life however you please. Whatever you're contemplating on choosing what you want to become, know that you can always change--nothing if final (that's what a midlife crisis is for haha). Even if some options close others will open and lead you to the way you were meant to live your life Life has always had a funny way of branching and circling and you will eventually find what you need but don't be afraid to change your course.

and here is an interesting quote about futures:
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” -Sylvia Plath

That's a very good point. I think I can see it quite clearly because I would like to be as focused and passionate and friendly as I used to be. /:

I absolutely love and despise that quote because it so accurately GETS ME. Sylvia, Sylvia.

Bubbling acid is a good way to put it, like something thick and toxic is moving through me. Nice comparison indeed

Awe I don't make you feel helpless probably because you understand me so well! It's those who try to understand and fail that are hard to confide in, you know?

im sorry you are struggling right now. I hope you have a therapist to talk to.

It may not work for you the way it works for your friends. You are not weak you have depression. No sense in comparing yourself to all the others who you perceive are so happy and doing good.