Endless loop of "rainy days" and "Mondays"...

Let's start out by saying I am fed up with myself. Honestly,if there is a God,he made me by mistake or as a cruel joke. Socially I am as awkward as they come and my life is just a string of disappointments and failures. Even when I was growing up I was picked on relentlessly and was told often to kill myself because I didn't matter. Even now I don't matter. Nobody listens when I talk and I always feel like I am in the way. I drag everyone down,and even at only 22 years old I feel like my life is pretty much a waste and I am a waste of space. I feel guilty taking up mass and breathing everyone's air. I don't even deserve the good things I do have. I'm going nowhere in life and I will never truly be what I want to be. I'm tired of smiling and trying to find the best in every situation. I'm seriously considering just ending me...even when I am riding in a car, I wish a car would hit the passenger side and just kill me instantly. I just make the world a worse place. Honestly, if I were to die or just disappear, everyone and everything would be better because of it.

Do you have a therapist or anyone you can talk to about these feelings? It's awful that you were told such messages as you were growing up. You have probably internalized those messages and talking to a therapist could help a lot.

Welcome to PC. We will listen to you here.

I have been to therapy-diagnosed bi polar and depression-... I've talked to her about my childhood and I did grow up with an untreated extremely diagnosed bi-polar father and other problems. She said in addition to my bi-polar if I am a perfectionist and OCD and I also self-sabotage myself. I also had real bad insomnia...staying awake for days on end. I got on meds and everything got better for about a year.
Then I became pregnant and had my daughter in 2012...I couldn't take my medication while I was pregnant but it seemed as if I was doing well. My doctor thought maybe my hormones and everything were "balancing me out". I don't know about that, however I was feeling more "normal". Actually I felt well. Until a few months ago that is. There wasn't any triggers that stand out to me as a cause of my emotions going wonky again but I have extreme highs and lows with my moods again. Some days I am fine and there are days where I can't sleep, I cry, I get overwhelmed, I don't want to get out of bed, and am so low I just wish I would die.

Part of me doesn't want to go back on meds because I have done well without them for a significant amount of time until recently, then there's the other part that thinks I need them(especially on my low days).

I just don't know...I've been in and out of therapy so much but I feel so bad sometimes. I feel so stuck and worthless. Unhappy.

The only reason I do live is because of my husband and daughter. I feel bad for them because they deserve so much better than me.

My daughter went off her med's during pregnancy too, she did well until the last month and after her son was born. She went back on then and now is going back to collage. BP is very hard to do without med's. There is no shame in using them.

Had another blah day. Work stresses me out...im a nurse assistant at a nursing home so its constantly high stress...my husband and I both worked 12 hour shifts all weekend so I'm behind on housework and I just feel like crying.i feel real defeated sometimes...its never in the middle. Its always a real good day or a real awful one.. Oh well, /endrant