I've been friends with this woman who is about 50 for over two years and things were better then. Back then the friendship was equal, and she'd call me and invite me out as often as I did with her. She'd also almost always pick up the phone when I called and she'd also email me back almost right away.

These days she NEVER invites me out anywhere EVER! I always ask her if she wants to see a movie and/or go out to eat too. She usually says OK when she's not busy. Also, she rarely ever picks up the phone when I call now. 99% of the time it goes straight to v.m and she often forgets to call me claiming that she didn't get my v.m until late that night since her phone died or that she is still having issues with her phone, ugh!

She even said that she doesn't get texts from her b.f right away. And this is coming from a business woman who works for a large computer firm! She has two phones that she CONSTANTLY checks at the movies. She'll always respond to texts from her b.f or daughter, but not me, ugh!

We have never ever had any disagreements and we have always gotten along together well. She was depressed when I first met her and on meds. She hated her boss at the time since she was such a witch, but she now has one of the best bosses a person could ask for. She is well liked at work, she has a new b.f, and she is happier in general and even loosing weight now.

She knows that I'm depressed too, but she told me that I never seemed that depressed although she knows all about my problems. I haven't mentioned anything bad in awhile, and I mostly ask her about herself and talk about girl stuff with her, so me being a "downer" can't be the issue now. So, can anyone tell me why her behaviour has changed so drastically?

I have NOT mentioned anything to her about this yet, but I'm so upset, that I need to do this soon for my own sanity. One guy friend of mine told me to not say anything to her as I could come across as "needy" and I'll just end up making her head for the hills. He bascially thinks that as long as things are good between us, that I should just suck it up and tolerate this bad behaviour, ugh! Also, my best friend told me to just give this woman her space and to stop "chasing" after her.

She told me to not contact her until she contacts me and invites me out. I'm not into playing games. I'm a direct person and I thought this woman was too. So, should I nicely ask this friend why she no longer invites me anywhere and that it makes me feel as if I'm not that important to her or something like that? I need to know what to say so that she won't end up becoming offended or defensive.

She also has a very annoying and bad habit of running errands at the very last minute or staying on the phone a lot longer than anticipated when her very needy daughter calls her at the last minute which results in her being half an hour late to meet me most of the time too. When we make plans to go to a movie, this really messes up our plans! She even forgets what the right movie times are sometimes, and I have to plan everything now too! She used to help make the plans in the past, but she no longer does any of that.

If she is going to be running late, she should call me and let me know that! I tried to be flexible, but I can't tolerate this anymore! It's really rude! I haven't really made it clear that this bothers me. I'm going to do that soon too as this is ridiculous and very rude! I doubt she'd be OK with me doing the same! Any insight and advice on what to say to her and WHY she might be doing this would be really helpful! I'm seeing her tomorrow, but I might wait a little longer and not say anything until I get a decent amount of responses.

For the record, I'm NOT a needy person! I hardly ever call her, and I'm not the least bit demanding at all! I've been to easy going with her all this time! It's very irritating when I don't get a call back from her at all or when she calls me back a couple days later. Like I said, it makes me feel as if she doesn't really value my friendship. She has always said that she always has fun with me, so it's not as if I'm a drag to hang out with. She seems like an honest and direct person, so this makes things even more confusing!

[littlemiss44]

She sounds like she is either playing games with you or pulling away. You deserve better than what she is giving you hun. I would ask her straight up if she is bothered by you cause she doesn't seem as interested as she used to be. Ask her that. I have a friend who loves me alot and she pulls away when her bipolar is bad. If she doesn't answer her phone for a day or two I know she's not feeling well. I'll text her and ask her if she's ok and if I did anything. She always lets me know it's not my fault and she's not feeling good. Maybe yr friend just doesn't feel like doing anything right now? If she has always been a good friend it just doesn't make sense. I would ask her if she is upset with you. That's just my opinion from reading yr post. It's just not fair to you that she's always late to see you. I'd call her on it otherwise you won't really know what her feelings are. Tell her yr friendship is really important to you and that you care about her. I hope that helps you. Good luck sweetie. Let us know how it goes. Take care. :-)

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[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by littlemiss44

She sounds like she is either playing games with you or pulling away. You deserve better than what she is giving you hun. I would ask her straight up if she is bothered by you cause she doesn't seem as interested as she used to be. Ask her that. I have a friend who loves me alot and she pulls away when her bipolar is bad. If she doesn't answer her phone for a day or two I know she's not feeling well. I'll text her and ask her if she's ok and if I did anything. She always lets me know it's not my fault and she's not feeling good. Maybe yr friend just doesn't feel like doing anything right now? If she has always been a good friend it just doesn't make sense. I would ask her if she is upset with you. That's just my opinion from reading yr post. It's just not fair to you that she's always late to see you. I'd call her on it otherwise you won't really know what her feelings are. Tell her yr friendship is really important to you and that you care about her. I hope that helps you. Good luck sweetie. Let us know how it goes. Take care. :-)

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Thanks for your reply! I think that you're right! It's more likely that she's pulling away since I might've relied on her one to many times for advice and moral support, ugh! This has happened before, and I guess that even friends have their limits, so sadly, I should keep more to myself- However, I don't do that anymore! Is this why she was probably pulling away from me?

Anyways, you're right, I DO deserve better! I WILL have a talk with her tomorrow, AFTER the movie as to not ruin it for either of us. I was thinking of telling her the following:

I need to talk to you about something that has really been bothering me for a long time. I have noticed for a long time, about a year or more, that you no longer invite me out anymore anywhere like you used to. I know that you get busy sometimes, but it's been like this for a very long time. I would like to know if I ever did or said anything to upset you. If so, I'd like to know about it.

Also, most of the time, you tend to be up to half an hour late when we make plans to go to the movies. I do understand that you can't always be on time due to certain things, but I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know when you're running late so that I can do other things and not worry if you forgot about our plans. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I didn't bother calling you if I was going to be between 15-30 minutes late. Even if you're on the phone with your daughter, you can put her on hold and call me on your other phone to let me know that you'll be running late.

One other thing, I have also noticed that most of my calls go to v.m, a call a few days later, and sometimes, I don't even get a call back. That makes me feel as if I'm not that important to you anymore. I'm sure that you wouldn't like me to treat you like the way that I've been treated. I hope that you realize that I've been a good friend to you and that I expect to be treated with a certain amount of consideration and respect. I expect to be treated like an equal, so please don't be upset at me for being honest. You'd probably do the same if you were me.

So, how's that? Should I change anything or not mention the situation about the phone calls? I'm sure that she'll offer excuses like she tends to get busy at times, she is forgetful, etc...If she does, then I'll know that I've been demoted to an almost acquaintance type of "friend" that she only has time for when she's bored and has nothing else to do.

Also, she used to be sort of annoying when she had a very flaky b.f that she was dating from a dating site in the past who'd say he'd come to see her and then not show up at all. He wouldn't even call her to say that he wouldn't be coming over that day. She'd make tentative plans with me just in case he didn't show up. It was a bit insulting. She finally saw the light and dumped him after I talked some sense into her.

I think that this new b.f might be more of a priority in her life. She invited him to the movies with us w/o me asking if he'd like to come once before. I think that she could tell that I wasn't that happy about it although I was nice to him, so she didn't invite him to hang out with us again. She always told me that I'm lucky to have a man in my life although my husband isn't the best one there is.

She's been married and divorced twice to two drug abusers. She doesn't seem to really need or want that many friends in her life too as she's very independent and usually busy with work and dealing with constant drama with her adult daughter. I sometimes wonder if she's jealous of me since I don't need to work and I'm married. I'm also 10yrs. younger than her.

Anyways, I'd really appreciate anymore insight and advice on this matter. Thanks again! I'll keep everyone posted on what happens! Wish me luck, and hope that she'll be able to listen to me and understand my POV & start treating me better instead of pulling away more!

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

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AAaawww....thanks for the hugs- I like the cute little hula bear, lol-

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but at least you know why you haven't heard from her after awhile.

[littlemiss44]

I think that sounds perfect. I would leave out the part about not calling cause she's late to meet up with you. I'd say I notice too that whenever we get together it doesn't seem like a priority to you cause you tend to be late alot. I know you have alot going on. Im just never sure if our plans are important to you and if yr going to show up. I really enjoy hanging out with you and our friendship is important to me. I hope you feel the same about me. I don't know...she does kinda sound jealous of you. You have what she doesn't. You seem to be a genuine person and a good friend. She's lucky to have you in her life. I think she does like drama. Because her two marriages failed she more than likely wants what you have hunny. You sound like someone who would be a great friend. Hec pm me and we can start to be friends. I'm a 44 year old female and I live in Oregon. Where do you live?

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Originally Posted by littlemiss44

I think that sounds perfect. I would leave out the part about not calling cause she's late to meet up with you. I'd say I notice too that whenever we get together it doesn't seem like a priority to you cause you tend to be late alot. I know you have alot going on. Im just never sure if our plans are important to you and if yr going to show up. I really enjoy hanging out with you and our friendship is important to me. I hope you feel the same about me. I don't know...she does kinda sound jealous of you. You have what she doesn't. You seem to be a genuine person and a good friend. She's lucky to have you in her life. I think she does like drama. Because her two marriages failed she more than likely wants what you have hunny. You sound like someone who would be a great friend. Hec pm me and we can start to be friends. I'm a 44 year old female and I live in Oregon. Where do you live?

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Thanks for getting back to me once again! I really appreciate your advice! I'll go ahead and tell her that, but I do have to mention the issue with her not calling me when she's running more than 15 minutes late as that isn't cool. If I was running even ten minutes behind, I always let my friends know about that!

I feel if I don't make that clear, that she might keep up showing up late w/o calling! Hopefully she won't take things the wrong way tomorrow! Honestly, I'm a bit nervous about talking to her even though I think that she'll apologize and be understanding. It's very hard for me to make friends, so I try hard to keep the ones that I do have. Being shy and introverted is not a quality that most people like in their friends it seems like, ugh! Not to mention the depression and anxiety issue (which is under control most of the time now with meds).

Anyways, she never gave me to much of an impression over being jealous of me. If she is, then she sure hides it well. She has a lot going for her, so I should be the one jealous of her, lol! She makes a six figure salary, she's close to her dad and her daughter and granddaughter, and her current b.f treats her like a queen!

Like I said before, I've had issues with my husband for years, but things are a bit better now. I'm financially independent on him and we live in a fixer upper and are not rich, we have a few thousand dollars worth of debt, I drive a 10 year old car, so what is there to really be jealous of? Ugh! Jealousy is so stupid! If my friends were happy and had a better life then me, I'd be happy for them, not jealous!

She has no reason to really be jealous of me since she has a great boss who's nice to her who takes her out to dinner once in awhile, and a few good friends who she has either known from work or who has known her for years. Her awful past is behind her. Also, those two ex husbands cheated on her and she's been a single mom since she was 18 I think. Neither of them paid child support, she so did have it rough when she was younger as she had to raise two kids on her own and work two jobs to support them. So she did miss out on her youth.

The only thing that isn't so great in her life is that she lives with a roommate that is an immature slob who tends to verbally abuse her and hog the bathroom. She told me that she can't get rid of him that easily since she needs to buy him out of the house, but other than that, she has nothing to really be jealous about. She loves her job although it can be hard and stressful. Also, she is loosing weight, so she's probably my size or thinner by now. I'll find out tomorrow.

As for me, I am a nice and genuine person who'd be a good friend to anyone that I deem worthy of my time and friendship. Thanks for the kind words- I treat my friends well and I'm always there for them. All I ask for in return is to be treated with the same respect, kindness, consideration, and loyalty in return. I'm good at listening and keeping secrets.

I'm also open minded and fairly non-judgmental. I'm also a sensitive and empathetic person. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive. I'm not always the best judge of character and I can be to trusting and naive at times which is embarrassing to admit at my age! I'm 41 & I live in N. Ca. I'd love to be friends! You sound like a nice and genuine person too-

I'll PM you soon and let you know how things went. Wish me luck! Feel free to PM me too!

[hvert]

She seems to be sending signals that she is not interested in the friendship anymore. Did this 'bad' friend tell you to stop calling her or was that what your best friend suggested you should do?

Because your 'bad' friend is sending signals rather than directly telling you the friendship is done, I think she is probably the type of person who does not like confrontation. There's a good chance that when you confront her about this situation, she will lie and say that 'nothing is wrong.'

I am with your best friend. I would just drop this person. Let her get in touch with you if she wants-- and, yeah, when you make plans, ask her to call if she is going to be late.

Or show up late yourself. I have some friends who are late 90% of the time, so now I just tack on another half hour to whatever time we said we'd meet. It actually works out pretty well -- it's a lot easier to change our own behavior than to change other people's

Someone I thought was a good friend dumped me in this way, by not answering calls/emails/texts, suggesting plans and not following through. It really sucks. I felt a lot better when I realized she wanted out of the friendship and I focused on finding new friends.

That could be true, but I hope that it's not. I don't think that is really the case though as why would anyone actually spend what little free time they have with someone that they no longer liked that much? It makes no sense. She didn't have to agree to go to the movies with me if she is doing the slow fade or trying to end the friendship. I guess I'll be able to tell what's going on more later this afternoon.

I forgot to mention this, but she was going through a few rough patches this past year, so this is why I put off asking her about things for awhile. I had no idea that she was having issues until I met her in person, so perhaps this might be what is going on again? Also, she also takes anti-depressants, but she might not be taking them anymore, and that might cause some mood changes? I'm not sure if she's on anything new now or if she stopped. Could that affect one's behavior?

As for her not being one for confrontation, I think that she is fairly honest and direct, so I can't see that happening unless of course she doesn't want to hurt my feelings since she knows that I'm kind of sensitive. Also, we have NEVER ever had any fight before!

There was only this ONE time over a year ago to where she got irritated with me for using bad language in her work email. She made it clear in a firm but nice enough email to not email her at work, especially when I use cuss words as emails are monitored and that could get her fired. So she gave me her personal email instead. She didn't contact me for a few weeks after that although I apologized about things. That was our one and ONLY "fight" if you can even call it that.

Anyways, I have always been a good friend to her, so why would anyone want to dump a good friend who is nice, loyal, caring, sweet, and who remembers to wish them a Happy B-day, A Merry Christmas, and to get them gifts, a call, or an e-card during those times? Most people think that I'm a nice person.

Also, we've always have fun together and always end up laughing about something. Like I said before, I have stopped talking about most of my major problems most of the time these days, so if she was going to dump me as a friend, I'd think she'd have done it a long time ago.

As for your suggestion about getting together early with friends who are always running late, that's a great idea! I actually thought of that no to long ago! I don't believe in being passive-aggressive as that usually back fires, especially when the other person thinks that you're being that way to get back at them or to teach them a lesson.

So I'd much rather be direct with people and find out what the issue is and try to fix it instead of playing stupid mind games that could ultimately weaken the friendship and cause people to get upset with me. It doesn't resolve bad behavior issues either IMHO. I think honest and open communication can though with mature, open, and empathetic adults who are willing to work on their faults.

Anyways, sorry to hear about your friend- It sucks when people dump you that way. It hurts the most as you never know what went wrong and if it was something that you did or said that made them not want to talk to you anymore- I've had that happen to me a few times, so I know what you're going through all to well!

I sure am nervous about having this talk with her later. I hope that she'll understand where I'm coming from and not offer me any lame excuses or get defensive. Chances are good that she'll listen to me and perhaps even make a few changes. If she doesn't, then I'll know where I stand with her for sure. If things don't go that well, then I'll back off and wait for her to contact me next like my best friend said.

The only thing that I can think of as to why she is acting like this is because she got lazy and is not as good at initiating plans as I first thought. Some people are like that. Or it is also possible that she wants to spend less time with me, or she has gotten to be to busy to hang out with me as much as she used to, especially now that she has a new b.f who she is in love with. She has only started dating him for two or three months so far though.

Whatever happens, I'll be more at peace getting a few answers. I'll be sure to pay attention to her tone and body language and be able to get a lot of answers that way as well. I hope that everything goes well today!

BTW, this friend of mine never once told me to NOT call her. She just let most of my calls go to v.m and only call me back sometimes a few days later or not at all, ugh! She is slower to respond to emails sometimes too, but perhaps she just got lazy and is taking me for granted. I'll find out soon enough what is going on later.

[blue_mystic]

I've been in this situation myself -- it sounds like she was there for you when she needed you but now that she has a boyfriend, you have been marginalized. Unfortunately, a lot of people are this way, and I've had this happen to me on more than one occasion. If I were you, I would basically stop investing in the friendship, because it seems to be an ongoing source of distress for you. Do a cost-benefit analysis -- ask yourself, are you getting enough out of the friendship to justify the chronic feelings of rejection that you are experiencing? If the answer is no, then it's time to move on. Just stop calling her. Use that energy that you would otherwise spend on her toward developing new friendships with people that actually reciprocate.

Great news everyone, I was wrong about her! She has just been going through a lot at work lately and worried about getting laid off. She was so stressed out, that she got sick and had to take some time off. She isn't the type of person who calls their friends or emails them to talk about their problems. I usually have no idea what's going on with her until I meet her in person.

Anyways, I did casually mention what I said I was going to say and she did tell me that she did ask if I wanted to hang out after I got back from a trip to L.A a few weeks ago. That was only one time out of months of me being the main initiator though, but I let that go. She did call me when she was running late once again this time, so I'll have to get her to come at least half an hour ahead of time from now on knowing that she tends to do this most of the time.

She was on the phone at the last minute like usual and it was her dad and she could only talk to him then. It's always strange to how she usually ends up talking to someone right before meeting me. I don't get why she can't just call some people back later. Oh well.

I'm glad that it's not me and that this is just the way that she is. She did ask me if I'd like to see a movie next week, so that's nice- Thanks to everyone who replied-

Without going into any detail, this has happened to me quite often with various people. The bottom line is that people change and their circumstances change over time in one way or another, and change will always have an impact on relationships/friendships. It is possible that both of your needs were more compatible in the past, but now some of her needs have changed or have been fulfilled, and so she is no longer seeking as much from the friendship with you. I know that is an unpleasant reality, but this has happened to many of my past friendships. Friends have become distant or completely vanished when they didn't need me as much anymore.

The only variation is in how a friend pulls away. Someone who is primarily a user, will not care how it affects the person being pulled away from. Their attitude will rapidly become very cold, and any attempt to explain how you feel will likely just annoy them, and cause them to say something hurtful or exit even faster. Many of the user types will find some way to blame you for the ending or distancing of the friendship. They will not admit any responsibility for it, or acknowledge how it has affected you at all. A person who has more integrity and compassion for others, will find some way to stay in the person's life and continue treating them with the respect they deserve. At a minimum, they will explain what has changed, and make it clear that it has nothing to do with anything you've done wrong.

Anyway, I truly feel for you, because I know how hurtful a situation like this can be. I can accept a friend changing or a relationship needing to end, but I don't accept being treated like my feelings or dignity doesn't matter anymore, or apparently never mattered. However, in the end, there is nothing that can be done about it, even if I don't accept it. I just have to suffer silently, until the painful sting diminishes somewhat.

Unfortunately, some people don't show their true colors until we have already learned to trust ourselves to them.

Originally Posted by DeepSoul

Without going into any detail, this has happened to me quite often with various people. The bottom line is that people change and their circumstances change over time in one way or another, and change will always have an impact on relationships/friendships. It is possible that both of your needs were more compatible in the past, but now some of her needs have changed or have been fulfilled, and so she is no longer seeking as much from the friendship with you. I know that is an unpleasant reality, but this has happened to many of my past friendships. Friends have become distant or completely vanished when they didn't need me as much anymore.

The only variation is in how a friend pulls away. Someone who is primarily a user, will not care how it affects the person being pulled away from. Their attitude will rapidly become very cold, and any attempt to explain how you feel will likely just annoy them, and cause them to say something hurtful or exit even faster. Many of the user types will find some way to blame you for the ending or distancing of the friendship. They will not admit any responsibility for it, or acknowledge how it has affected you at all. A person who has more integrity and compassion for others, will find some way to stay in the person's life and continue treating them with the respect they deserve. At a minimum, they will explain what has changed, and make it clear that it has nothing to do with anything you've done wrong.

Anyway, I truly feel for you, because I know how hurtful a situation like this can be. I can accept a friend changing or a relationship needing to end, but I don't accept being treated like my feelings or dignity doesn't matter anymore, or apparently never mattered. However, in the end, there is nothing that can be done about it, even if I don't accept it. I just have to suffer silently, until the painful sting diminishes somewhat.

Unfortunately, some people don't show their true colors until we have already learned to trust ourselves to them.

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Sorry for the slow response. When I get to be to depressed, I can barely function. Anyways, what you said is very true unfortunately- Sorry to hear about your past friends. Sometimes it's hard to tell when someone is just a user until it's to late like you said.

A person with any values at all would at least offer an explanation as to why they don't want to be friends anymore instead of doing the slow fade or just cutting you out of your life suddenly if they ever were a true friend IMHO.

If that someone was never close to you, then I could understand why they'd just disappear, but it really hurts when someone that you trusted just disappears for no apparent reason. I place a high value on friendship, but sadly, it seems as if friends are as disposable as a paper cup sometimes-

BTW, my friend did get back to me, and I did ask her about why she no longer initiated plans with me and she told me that she did, but it was only ONCE over a long period! She just told me that she's been really stressed out and busy, so hopefully it's not me. Only time will tell if she was being honest or using that as an excuse as to why she is being more distant.