Causes of depression

When someone is depressed they tend to move away from everyone they love when they should be surrounded by them so that they could better their chances of getting better. In order to be happy you need to surround yourself with positive people who would influence you to live a better life.

For me, it is hard to surround myself with people because it is somewhat embarrassing to me to admit I'm depressed. People can be very judgey if they haven't experienced it for themselves or been around a depressed person before. The second someone offers me a "solution" like "You need to just CHOOSE to be happy" immediately makes me retreat further into my little hole because I know they have no idea what's really going on.

Me too. Clinical depression impairs a person's ability to employ their will.

When I'm in a severe depression, as I am now, I am very reluctant to be around people I don't know very well. I don't mind being around those who love me (my husband and family) because they know about my depression and accept me for where I am. However, sometimes I hear ridiculous "solutions" from those people, e.g., my brother said to eat right and exercise, and his wife mentioned I may want to get a colonic! People who have been where I am, and my husband, don't suggest any quick fix. They know that my depression just is, and it's not as easy as doing a certain activity to rid myself of the terrible feelings. They just ask how I'm doing and give unconditional support.

I am this way as well. I can try to be around other people but often it is not a good mix. I am in my own world even though I am trying not to be there and everyone can tell I am a bit off during this time. In the long term I have lost many friends, jobs and future friends from this. Most times I assume my happiness must come from inside me. I work hard like a farmer cultivating those things that keep my brain busy and my heart open. This has seemed to be the best way forward for me.

With my depression it is not a conscious desire to be isolated from people; rather it is just that I feel so guilty about being around people when I'm depressed and I don't want to bring them down...It's difficult to be around people when depressed...

Hi there. I'm on a ''good run'' right now regarding the dreaded depression, but when I'm severely depressed and suicidal rub I totally isolate and that's exactly what I want to do. I stay in bed under the duvet, don't wash or clean my teeth, don't eat and don't shop/cook/clean as I would normally. It's a teriffic strain on my 79 year old Dad who I live with but I guess after being this way for 30 plus years, he's kinda resolved to it. I hate it and feel very very embarrassed to admit to suffering depression. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My family has never wanted to even speak about my illness, nor really rally behind me. It feels like a taboo subject. I've needed them to be there and listen and understand and to step in when I need it. I feel alone. Very alone. Ashamed of the stigma. Ashamed of the way I am. I have felt like an outcast all my life due to this. Unseen. Unheard.

I know that you mean well and believe what you're saying.

I have, however, a major problem with such advice:
It pretty much implies that we're just depressed because we choose to wallow in negativity. It implies that I wouldn't need my antidepressants or have crying spells if I'd just "surround [myself] with positive people."

Many times, the people we love don't love us back. Other times, those of us who suffer from depression don't want to hurt our loved ones or end up becoming emotional vampires. They have their own problems, and I know I don't ever want to add to them with my problems. Sometimes, those of us who fight depression do need some time to figure out our thoughts and try to understand what could have triggered them.

Rather than saying that we just need to surround ourselves with positive people, it would be far better (and far more compassionate) to say that we should surround ourselves with supportive and caring people. Those are the people whose influence will help us.

Many of us have had far too many dealings with "positive people" who have said such things as:

• "You honestly can't think of ANYTHING to be joyful/cheerful/happy about?"
• "You wouldn't be depressed if you'd just quit feeling sorry for yourself."
• "I'm dealing with cancer, and I'm not depressed. Don't you think your problems are just a LITTLE less severe than cancer?"
• "If you would just trust God more, you wouldn't be depressed."
• "You don't really need that antidepressant. Taking antidepressants shows me that you don't trust God to heal you."
• "Depressed people are mentally weak."
• "Where's your smile? You're going to trip on that lip there." (said with a sickeningly sweet voice and smile)
• "It's just seasonal doldrums." (said to me by my doctor. My family took her to task for that.)
• "Maybe SOME of your depression is chemical, but a lot of it is mental, too." (Uh, that's why it's called a MENTAL disorder.)
• "If you were right with God, then you wouldn't care how others treat you. It says so in the Bible."
• "God doesn't give you more than you can handle. You just need to keep praying for strength to deal with it." (again, said with a sickeningly sweet voice)
• "We all need you to be strong right now."
• "The Bible tells us that the only thing we really need is to sit and listen at the feet of Jesus."

I don't need that, and I doubt that anyone else with depression needs it, either.

One of the reasons I isolate is that I feel so guilty about the good things I have, clean water, sanitation, plentiful food, free health care, free education, etc. These are things that I just take for granted, things that many people in the world don't have the strength to even dream of, such is their fight for survival. I believe my ingratitude makes me a bad person and I don't deserve to be part of the world. I am much harder on myself than all the people who tell me "to pull myself together".

When at my lowest point for a long time, my doc was doing his stuff to try and keep me motivated and engaging just a little with the world. At one point I said to my doc "You shouldn't have to waste your time with me, I don't have problems. I have a safe life."

My doc replied "You mean you're not cold, starving, afraid of the soldiers coming to your house, that sort of thing?"

That was exactly what I meant, my doc then said "If you swapped your life with theirs, after a week they'd be begging for their old life back, I promise you that".

My doc's comment was an eye-opener for me, I'd never once considered that anyone would acknowledge my depression as a "real problem". In a way the tone could be percieved as negative, but the profound insight it revealed made it hugely empowering. Finally, having someone recognise just how hard the struggle is gave me enough motivation to stay engaged with the world.

I think everyone I've "met" on PC knows what they should do to manage their illness, that after all is one of the reasons we are here. We certainly all do our best to support and motivate each other even when we are incapable of caring for ourselves. Sometimes being with people who are depressed themselves is better therapy than surrounding ourselves with "happy people".

Good post. You're right, we don't need that. When people say things like "happiness is a choice", and some of the other things that you listed, I just shut down. I, too, feel bad enough with this depression and I don't want to burden anyone with it. And, when I reach out and get responses like the ones you listed, it tells me that the person I'm trying to reach out to just doesn't understand or want to listen. I'm sure most of us have tried thinking "happy thoughts", among other things. Very frustrating.

Causes of depression are many and varied. In my case I think it is 90% genetic and biological and I am very treatment resistant. When in a deep depression I don't want to be around anyone. All I want to do is isolate. Stay in bed, not shower, no self care, etc. I can't help it. I don't choose to be that way and I cannot choose to be happy when in it.

The guilt we carry, along with the depression is deflating to our already low self-worth. It's a two-edged sword, for sure