:(

I just feel miserable. And tired. I know how tonight will go...the way it always does. I will stay up late, drinking, watching tv and cutting and contemplating suicide. Enough already!

Hey you! Oh I am so sorry you're feeling so bad but please try not to hurt yourself. Maybe go to your parents? Anywhere you will be safe? Hang in there and please try and stay safe!

Thanks. It's constant though...I can't just stay with my parents all the time! I'm tired of talking to people and telling them I need help. Tired of the constant questions and worry if I am honest. So no, I just need to stay home. Cutting has been keeping me safe lately. It's not the best idea I know...but I'm still here.

(((((((( secretwhisper ))))))))

Are you back on meds? Are you still in therapy?

I'm sorry you are feeling so rotten. Maybe not drinking might help, since it is a depressant. But the main thing is for you to stay safe. Are you seeing a pdoc or therapist? I sure hope you get to feeling better soon.

Yep I've been on meds since the start of the year, just had the dose upped a couple of weeks ago. It's the wrong med in my opinion but what do I know... And yeah still in therapy, see him in a weeks time which seems like a long way off right now!

I know drinking doesn't help, it's some stupid thing I've taken to doing to cope. I try not to see my pdoc as she is a cow... And thanks

It's just dawned on me....I used all my energy to make it to my birthday. Now that's been and gone I have nothing to aim for, no milestone to reach. I need these things to keep me safe and now I haven't got one. Ah.

So what's your next milestone going to be? Nothing too far ahead, that would be unobtainable but nothing too easy either as that would diminish the effect.

I use milestones too. My current one is to get back to work before July, I've loads of good stuff to do in July and I have leave booked then, I don't want to be on a downer when I'm on leave.

Right now I haven't got any milestones. Well, it's actually my mum's birthday on Friday but even that seems unobtainable right now. I've even made sure to buy her present and wrap it and write the card already just in case.... I've done all the ironing to make things easier for my bf, I don't have a big work load right now so that's not something I need to worry about for others... I'm not really sure what to do.

Yours is a good one, I like it

Do I just ****ing end it now....**** it. Why do I ****ing bother?

A good foot massage can do wonders for your outlook... (really!) Any chance you could talk your BF into it? If I were there, Secretwhisper... that's what I'd do...

Haha and I appreciate that (although I hate people touching my feet!)

My bf is at work though right now, all alone and it's not good

You know, I keep babbling on and I don't know what to do. Because I can't keep doing this. just wanna die. blah blah blah

Please someone help...

Whatever, pretty sure it's too late anyway

Hi, it's never too late. My BF ended it without sharing anything. It was very difficult for the rest of us. Took me over two years to tolerate the idea he would never be around.

For what it is worth, it helps me to write and ask for help as you have in your earlier posts.

As for a goal, you do have one if you choose to accept the challenge. Give yourself a week to come up with an easy goal, it could be meeting your BF for lunch one day. Then give yourself a few more days and come up with two small goals or perhaps a larger one. You could try baking your mum a cake for her birthday, or take her some afternoon tea in the form of a picnic.

Continue posting, I know it helps and at least I care (I'm sure everyone else does too). You have no responses right now because of the time in the UK vs the time in the US. I have a 7 hour difference to the UK. I'll be on line for a bit longer if you would like to chat.

Good luck!

Have you considered an IOP or PHP or even IP? It seems like you are at loss to help yourself in that case some more intensive professional help might be just the thing.

Sorry no one was here for you I hope you are feeling better this morning

Hmmm I start work in 28 minutes....really should get out of bed! Want to just hide from the world This is gonna be a long day...

Nah, **** it. I'm not going to work!

Do you have someone you can call?

My bf will be home soon. I just sent him a text telling him I'm not going to work so he will expect me to be here... I guess really I should call my T or someone. I'm pretty sure this is what getting worse looks and feels like...and I was told to call if I got worse...

I'd say it would be an excellent idea to call. Not being able to go to work is a sign it is worse.

I just hate being this pathetic. I couldn't even phone in sick...had to ask my bf to call for me. I'm just not sure what they're gonna do about it if anything so I'm not sure I see the point