[Want2want]

This make sense to anyone?

I have literally no friends, have no activities, and do nothing but surf the web and sleep. I'm smart enough to know the basic depression stuff of "Get out for a walk, eat healthy, get with people" and all that....... and I ACTIVELY choose not to.

I haven't bathed or changed my clothes in over a week. When I think "at least take a shower, clean up and shave", a voice in head (not a real voice, a thought) screams "I will NOT, you can't make me!"

I have no money or insurance for a doctors help, I guess I'm looking for empathy, and anything that could jump start my life again.

I'm actively CHOOSING to NOT help myself. Huh???????????????????

(LOL, even the sad smiley with the question mark doesn't work in explaining my mood.... cause I don't feel sad. And numb is not even the right word. It's like "Oh, well if you don't do anything about this, it's going to turn into a serious health danger."

"Oh, OK" I think. I mean if I had a heart attack, I'd react "Don't call a doctor, I don't want the hassle."

[Hellion]

It doesn't sound to me like you are actively choosing not to help yourself at all...sounds like you're depression is so bad you can't be bothered to do anything and are experiencing apathy. At least that is the impression I get from your post.

Do you have any family or anyone that helps you out with money at all? if so maybe try and get their help otherwise you could look into places with low cost services also maybe look into applying for medicaid though not sure how long that takes if you have little to no income I'd think you'd be approved and that would help give you access to afford treatment.

For the time being try to take care of yourself as best you can, and if it escalates and you feel like causing yourself harm going to the ER might be an option and would get you help...and sometimes they help people with finding resources or applying for medicaid and what not for continuing treatment after being impatient but only do that if you need to but yeah they can't refuse to help if you go to the ER and have no money or insurance but then there is the chance of bills and being somewhat in debt which can be a real hassle. I have unpaid medical bills from my last trip to the psych ward that I cannot afford to pay...more or less got debt collecters to leave me alone at least for a while now if I can wait it out 6 years I think the debt gets erased.

[Want2want]

Thanks, Hellion. Yeah, I had put in an app already for Medicaid because of the Obamacare stuff, and when I didn't hear back from them - the above symptoms caused me to not follow up. If I could have mental health help that way, that is hopeful.

I think hope has a lot to do with it. I feel truly hopeless, without a chance of anything ever getting better. Another internal voice is always saying "What's the point, why bother, it'll just turn out bad anyway."..... along with another one that says I'm being "uppity" (and it's not a race thing, but that is the word that comes, I'm white) to do anything positive for myself. And THAT voice I KNOW has to be tapes from life history.

If you ever want to talk about the bill stuff, I've got experience with that. Unfortunately the debts don't EVER get erased, except via bankruptcy. What you might be thinking is the way negatives fall off your credit report over time and/or various statutes of limitation as to a creditors ability to collect via lawsuit.

By the way, NEVER acknowledge the debt in any way if called by a collector. Respond to them as if it truly is not yours and you have no idea what they are talking about. That will protect your legal rights down the road.

Thanks again for the Medicaid thought.

[Altered Moment]

I don't think you actively choose not to do it I think you are not capable of doing it. At least that is how I get. It gets so severe that I spend most of the time in bed. I can go weeks without showering or shaving, only brushing my teeth occasionally. I have 0 energy and 0 motivation. I know all the things too. Go for a walk, eat right, go out with friends, be around people you will feel better......on and on. No ****ing way. I am just not capable of doing it. Even if I choose to do it I can't. It takes a monumental amount of effort to take a shower and go see my pdoc. And then I look better than I am because I took a shower for the first time in three flippin weeks.

[Altered Moment]

I would encourage you to focus all the energy your possibly can into getting professional help. There are ways, sliding scales, free services. Just taking the first step brings relief and a sense of hope.

[Fuzzybear]

[Want2want]

Yeah, I know you're right, but even THAT seems a "Why bother?"

I've had years and years of meds and docs and all that. Nothing helped, and I usually ended up feeling MORE hopeless because it didn't help, or even worse, invalidated........... as when the guy with the Doctorate in Psychiatry told me to my face "I don't have a CLUE what's wrong with you... do you have the money for the next visit?"

Sorry about the grouching, just trying to explain how even help seems impossible, and seems I'd rather drift away by myself than have that happen again. When that happens, it's like they're laughing at me for being sick.

[Altered Moment]

I understand how you feel. I have had 20 years of meds and therapy and a whole long list of things I have thrown at it. It the last five years it has gotten ten times worse. I have no idea why.

Some of us are very treatment resistant. For some reason my new meds are working like a champ the last month and a half. Fetzima and Lamictal. That is usually not the case. They never work this good. We will see how long it lasts.

I have no idea why a Doctorate in Psychiatry would tell you that. It is not that hard to figure out. You look at all your past history, childhood and all that and after that, what are all your current symptoms and you get a diagnosis. Maybe he got totally frustrated that your didn't respond well to treatment.

I know what it is like to lose all hope and not see the point. I was there not that long ago. My family forced me in a why to keep trying. I went along going through the motions but didn't expect anything out of it. And then all of a sudden these new meds are working. Usually I just in and out of them naturally and they have to run their course.

I don't have a lot of answers other than I have had to accept it and keep trying. Have to figure out how to live with it and have some kind of life.

You can get a lot of support here.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Want2want

Thanks, Hellion. Yeah, I had put in an app already for Medicaid because of the Obamacare stuff, and when I didn't hear back from them - the above symptoms caused me to not follow up. If I could have mental health help that way, that is hopeful.

I think hope has a lot to do with it. I feel truly hopeless, without a chance of anything ever getting better. Another internal voice is always saying "What's the point, why bother, it'll just turn out bad anyway."..... along with another one that says I'm being "uppity" (and it's not a race thing, but that is the word that comes, I'm white) to do anything positive for myself. And THAT voice I KNOW has to be tapes from life history.

If you ever want to talk about the bill stuff, I've got experience with that. Unfortunately the debts don't EVER get erased, except via bankruptcy. What you might be thinking is the way negatives fall off your credit report over time and/or various statutes of limitation as to a creditors ability to collect via lawsuit.

By the way, NEVER acknowledge the debt in any way if called by a collector. Respond to them as if it truly is not yours and you have no idea what they are talking about. That will protect your legal rights down the road.

Thanks again for the Medicaid thought.

A little too late as I did already acknowledge it was mine, but I don't feel like I should be giving up my SSI money to them...I need that to live on, not so some debt collector can be happy that I got totally ripped off for an ambulance/ER bill because I was suicidal and had not choice if you say you are suicidal to the therapist its not like they just say 'oh you're fine to leave'.

I also did here sometimes they drop debts if they determine the person really can't pay, but not sure how accurate that is. Just hope they don't try to take any legal action...as for my credit I don't give much of a crap about that just not sure what good credit does me one way or another.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I don't think you actively choose not to do it I think you are not capable of doing it. At least that is how I get. It gets so severe that I spend most of the time in bed. I can go weeks without showering or shaving, only brushing my teeth occasionally. I have 0 energy and 0 motivation. I know all the things too. Go for a walk, eat right, go out with friends, be around people you will feel better......on and on. No ****ing way. I am just not capable of doing it. Even if I choose to do it I can't. It takes a monumental amount of effort to take a shower and go see my pdoc. And then I look better than I am because I took a shower for the first time in three flippin weeks.

Sometimes when I do force myself to go for a walk or this or that to supposedly feel better...it doesn't even always have that effect and ends up not being worth all that effort I gathered up. I think that stuff is more helpful for generally feeling sad or depressed but with like major depression its not so simple much of the time.

[unaluna]

Your thread title so resonates with me. I can hear my mother telling me that she didnt have this, she didnt have that. I even asked her once, how did she expect me to feel when she said she wanted something i had now? She told me she expected it to make me feel good - that she feels good when somebody envies something she has. I said - but youre me mother - it just makes me feel bad for having it, and that i should give it over to you! But she wasnt even listening any more. So think of whose voice it actually is that says youre too much trouble - i dont think its yours, i think its the family's. Why shouldnt we take care of ourself? Other people take care of themselves. Im trying to understand it myself!

[eggplantlife]

I'm going through somewhat the same thing. I know I should do a lot of things to get better. I sometimes try, but it seems like it isn't leading anywhere.

Today, I'm angry at myself. I really hate this depression. I used to have medicaid when I was in another state, but the state I am don't provide it for my age. So there is no way for me to get help now and so I am trying very hard to do it myself. The person and family who took me in (because I had no money and job), I'm afraid that I'm a burden to them.

My debt is bad too. I have already accepted that the debt was mine to the collector yesterday.

I can't believe how much this have ruined my life. And I can't seem to see a way out.

I'm hoping that being in this forum would help me out. I know that it's my action to do it, but I can't seem to be doing the actions. I know better but just won't do it.

I'm very afraid...of what may happen.

[Want2want]

I do have to admit one thing.... I (intellectually) know the "get up and do something" works. I'm were I am, and my brother is a self made millionaire... but he has depression, too. In fact, he came back from 3 weeks off snorkeling at some remote island, and the next day finds himself thinking "gee, I think I'll kill myself, life is so terrible."

I asked him what the difference was between us, where we were in our lives, since we had the same disease and the same family background. "Well, no matter how I feel, no matter how horrible I feel, every day I make myself get up and out and DO what needs to be done."

[notthisagain]

Want2want, there's a difference between knowing something intellectually, and truly believing it. Also, maybe it's not a good idea to compare yourself to your brother. Not everyone with depression is the same, and those who have it, have it with various degrees of severity.

I agree with zinco that it may help to find a place that will accept payment on a sliding scale. I did this with MH/MR about 17 years ago when I wasn't working, and I didn't have to pay anything.

Please do not feel bad. Easier said than done, I know. I've been working on thought replacement, and the reoccurring thoughts that I have are guilty feelings about taking care of myself and setting boundaries, plus what I "should" and "shouldn't" do. One step at a time. I felt victorious when I shaved my legs after how long. Best of luck to you, and you are among people who understand.

[Altered Moment]

I got three years of good services for free. Meds that were not generic they set up for free from the drug companies for me. I didn't have to do a thing. Very grateful for that. Now I have Medicaid under the new expansion. You may qualify for that. I am sorry to the people working and have high deductible plans because Medicaid is actually very good. I was pretty much forced into it. And I don't like it.

my brother is a self made millionaire

Won't he help you out? At least to get help?

[Altered Moment]

Sounds like AZ medicaid expansion was a mess but they got it straightened out. I would apply.

https://www.healthearizonaplus.gov/Default/Default.aspx

EDIT- sorry i hadn't read the whole thread. follow up with them.

I have a brother with big bucks. he helped me get treatment one time. I think I need to change my user name. I want to talk about family here but they know I have used zinco as a screen name in the past and I don't want them reading my stuff. everyone knows me as zinco here though so I don't want to change it......what to do.

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by Hellion

A little too late as I did already acknowledge it was mine, but I don't feel like I should be giving up my SSI money to them...I need that to live on, not so some debt collector can be happy that I got totally ripped off for an ambulance/ER bill because I was suicidal and had not choice if you say you are suicidal to the therapist its not like they just say 'oh you're fine to leave'.

I also did here sometimes they drop debts if they determine the person really can't pay, but not sure how accurate that is. Just hope they don't try to take any legal action...as for my credit I don't give much of a crap about that just not sure what good credit does me one way or another.

Pretty sure they can take legal action. They can get a court order if they pursue it that far. Not sure if they can touch SSI especially if you can show you need all of it to pay bills. Credit card companies can do it too. The IRS can damn sure do it. They do whatever the hell they want. I filed my 2008 tax return. I owed them money but I never got a letter or heard a word about it. Four years later they send me a letter saying they never got it but they got the 200 buck check that was in the same envelope and didn't know what to do with it. So I send them the return again after they lost the flipping thing and waited four years to tell me. I wait to hear from then again about how I owe them money. Nothing....no letter no nothing. Then I find out they took the last 250 bucks i had out of my bank account. They sent letters to an address I had ten freaking years ago even though they had my current address. the bank charged me 150 bucks to pay them with my money..........i gotta go. finish the story later.

[wish_I_was]

Want2want...do you have any friends you like to see occasionally? I find the only reason I shower somedays is so I can see my one "real live" friend and not scare her away with my stentch I know exactly how you are feeling. I do not "help" myself either. I watch TV and stay on the Internet most days. I don't think that helps either of us, but like you said, we have the "why bother" mentality. I've been taking medication and seeing docs since I was 15...I'm now 33, and my happiness is always fleeting. I find mine is tied to my interactions with other people and I'm not sure how normal that is. Maybe I have dependent PD? anyway, you have a friend here to talk to if you want. Hugs

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Pretty sure they can take legal action. They can get a court order if they pursue it that far. Not sure if they can touch SSI especially if you can show you need all of it to pay bills. Credit card companies can do it too. The IRS can damn sure do it. They do whatever the hell they want. I filed my 2008 tax return. I owed them money but I never got a letter or heard a word about it. Four years later they send me a letter saying they never got it but they got the 200 buck check that was in the same envelope and didn't know what to do with it. So I send them the return again after they lost the flipping thing and waited four years to tell me. I wait to hear from then again about how I owe them money. Nothing....no letter no nothing. Then I find out they took the last 250 bucks i had out of my bank account. They sent letters to an address I had ten freaking years ago even though they had my current address. the bank charged me 150 bucks to pay them with my money..........i gotta go. finish the story later.

I know they can which worries me some, but what am I to do exactly? from wht I understand though a lot of times they don't bother with taking legal action because that costs them money....but if I gotta deal with stupid debt crap later down the road whatever i guess. I should have been on medicaid its not my fault the government is slow and waited over a year to approve me for that otherwise I wouldn't have the stupid bill in the first place.

[Altered Moment]

I dunno. I think medical bills they don't go after as hard like credit cards, but it depends on who they sold the dept to. I am pretty sure if they get a judgement they have to notify you. Usually they will take any tax return refund if you get one. I don't think they can touch SSI but I would have to look it up. Yeah and you are right it depends on how much the debt is. Lawyers and taking legal action is expensive for them.

I still owe for an MRI and Comcast says I owe them money. They hardly ever call anymore so I dunno if they will go after me or not. Comcast can pack sand. I paid them big bucks for ten years for tv and internet. but they sold the debt so who knows what they will do over 300 bucks.

[Want2want]

<I have are guilty feelings about taking care of myself>

Exactly!

[Want2want]

<Won't he help you out? At least to get help?>

Nope, and have to respect (in the sense of accept) his answer. Kind of by definition for him, since SELF ACTION is what works for him.

[Want2want]

Hellion,

Your situation is exactly what bankruptcy is for. There's no shame in it.

For anyone else reading this in a similar situation, I'm not a lawyer but I've investigated this extremely thoroughly..... and if you fought a collector in court, you are going to win - IF you haven't admitted the debt is yours.

Basically, if they sue you, you respond "I don't owe you anything, prove I do", and the reality is, legally, they can't. It's not the right forum to go into all the details, I just wanted to put it out there.

[Want2want]

What are you afraid of?

For me, I'm not at all afraid of being dead, if that's what you meant.

I've been trying to logic something through, and I'll do it here, in case it fits for anyone else.

Problem: I am not happy with the way I live now.

There are only 3 possible solutions that I can see:

1) Not live.
2) Change the way I live now.
3) Change how I feel about the way I live now.

OK. Since I would prefer to be happy with the way I live, over NOT living, #1 is not a choice without trying #2, and #3. If #1, then the I can't even TRY the others.

So that leaves:

2) Change the way I live now.
3) Change how I feel about the way I live now.

If I say "I can't change the way I live", is that REALLY true? If it is, then my ONLY solution is to try #3.

For me, I know I can TRY #2. I can at least TRY to change the way I live. For me, do I really accept that I am incapable of taking a 10 minute walk, instead of surfing the web for those 10 minutes? I'm tricking myself to make a change so big it seems overwhelming. And I'm lying to myself if I say I CAN'T make ANY change, no matter what size.

And ANY change, no matter the size, is A CHANGE, so I CAN do #2.

If I CHOOSE not to change how I live now, I am left with #3, changing how I FEEL about the way I live now.

For me, changing how I FEEL about living the way I do, would mean accepting it.... accepting that I CHOOSE to not at least TRY to change HOW I live.

I'm saying FOR ME, remember.

That's basically where I am right now. I need to make a choice.

I can CHOOSE to TRY and change how I live (no matter how really small the change is, a change is a change)...... or I can CHOOSE to accept that I chose not to try.

That's why I can't say "I can't", because for me, "I can't" is a lie. "I'm too tired, it's overwhelming, I'm bored" can all be true.... but none of them equal "I can't".

Am I physically capable of taking a ten minute walk? Yes.

So if I don't, it's because I'm choosing not to.

That's how it is FOR ME.

[Altered Moment]

This may not seem logical and it is actually a paradox. But I have found it to be true in many areas.

My applying number 3 it will actually help you apply number 2.

I think you are not being totally fair with yourself with the word choosing. Like in I am choosing to not go for a walk. Maybe you are just not mentally capable of making that choice and carrying it out. That is classic depression. When I am in a deep depression I can choose and should myself to death but it doesn't change the fact that I just can't get out of bed and take a shower. The fact that I have 0 energy and 0 motivation. Of course I can in reality probably actually do it, but the amount of mental effort and anguish prevents me from even trying. So it is not much of a choice really, my brain is so whacked that it is damn near impossible. People without depression don't go through that. It is not my fault, it just is.

So paradoxically by accepting my disease and my limitations at the time it makes it much easier to implement step 2. I am able to do something about it. For me that means seeking professional help to get me to a place where I can take a walk. My implementing step 3 I rid myself of a tremendous amount of shame and it is freeing. Acceptance and surrender are powerful tools paradoxically. In simple terms it means I need help beyond my own means.