I have gone through some pretty awful bouts of depression. I am a cutter. I have had a number of suicide attempts..... and yet - here I sit. I am in all this therapy and they are trying all these different meds on me.

Yet all I feel is like I am messed up.

I do not want to die, but I do not want to live. I need to cut, but I do not see the purpose of it. I hate me and yet I know my kids love me.

This world sucks. I am just too messed up to fix.........

[gayleggg]

It never to late to get better. I know because I have been at the bottom of the well with what I thought there was no way out, but the doctors got me better. I've been inpatient twice for suicide ideation and once in Intentive Out Patient because I was having thoughts of diving off bridges. I uses to cut to, with the help of my therapist I broke the habit. Doesn't mean I don't still think about it at times and have to work not to fall into old habits.

I'm like you, I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live either. My daughter is the only thing that has kept me going.

Don't give up on yourself, your kids love you and without you they would be devastated.

HOpe you feel better soon.

Hi UM. You are not alone in your feelings. Lately I tell myself out loud that I hate myself. I also don't want to die but hate this life. You are such a good person and also have such kind and helpful posts. You deserve happiness, and I hope one day it is yours. I hope that for all of us suffering from this horrible disease of depression. Hugs to you.

[SeekerOfLife]

Hi UM. I know how you feel. Most of the time life is total crud. I work seven days a week to just barely make ends meet. When on occasion a good day happens someone has to do or say something hurtful.

[athomealone5]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

I have gone through some pretty awful bouts of depression. I am a cutter. I have had a number of suicide attempts..... and yet - here I sit. I am in all this therapy and they are trying all these different meds on me.

Yet all I feel is like I am messed up.

I do not want to die, but I do not want to live. I need to cut, but I do not see the purpose of it. I hate me and yet I know my kids love me.

This world sucks. I am just too messed up to fix.........

There is nothing ever broken that can't be fixed, there is nother ever too far gone.
I used to wish I was dead, I used to beg God to take me home I constantly listened to that song by Building429, "Where I belong" hoping that by singing it God would hear me and take me home where I belonged. I would think of my grandchildren and how they would feel if I were to die, but I was good with it, they had my son and their mother, they would be ok.
Then one night I had a dream, it was so vivid, so real. In it I was told by a doctor that I had cancer and I was going to die, panic set in. I was going to die! suddenly I remembered what I had been asking from God and I changed my mind, suddenly I wanted to live, my grandchildren needed me. I am a beliver and I need to be alive so I could be an example to them. My friend just moved to another state and is struggling, she needed my words of encouragment if she was to go on. Suddenly in this dream I wanted to LIVE more that anything, I wanted to be here. Thank God I woke up and realize it was a dream, there is nothing like a bout of reality to set a person straight. Choose life, you have children choose them.

[Frankbtl]

Hi UM, remember the "gone through some pretty awful bouts of depression". You have come through it before, it can pass. I know that may not help much now, but you are in all this therapy, you are trying different medications which is really good.
And everything you're trying could take you a step further towards not suffering so badly with this in the future.
And if things aren't helping that much right now, it's not your fault, it's not that you're too messed up for things to work for you that may work for others. It's just that they haven't hit the right combination for you yet. Everyone's different!! So maybe when you hit on the right medication for you.........!!
And besides this isn't "you messed up" it's "you with depression". You're not messed up, it's the depression you're living with right now.....and with the right help.....in time......you're going to be feeling more of the you that you (truly/really) are.
And self-hatred, come on (!!!! ), now that is absolutely the depression talking!!!. I really do know that it can be so real, you find evidence to back it everywhere, and it's almost impossible to believe that other people can see it any differently but you for one UM (believe it or not, BUT IT'S TRUE!! ) are amazing!!!
You offer people on here so much insight, empathy, support, consideration, caring, honesty, openess, you've put your pain both aside and out there to us when you're on here..........the list goes on, OK!!
There is so much in there for you to feel good about, it might take time, it might take finding the right road for you, it might take more pain even, but it's there and definitely something to hold on for/definitely something worth feeling!!
Alison

[Fuzzybear]

[Hellion]

I usually feel like I am messed up in the head...but doesn't mean I am a worthless person(even if it feels like it) so pretty sure you aren't useless or worthless. Having mental issues is nothing to be ashamed of....people shouldn't be ashamed if they have cancer or a chronic pain issue so why should it be any different with mental problems.

I don't cut, have come close but yeah just not something that happens I've more intentionally abused drugs when I want to self harm but not attempt suicide or I've hit walls or hit my head on them and such which is more painful than it is to the walls, but i have been suicidal more than once, even lately I am having a difficult time with the prospect of continuing life.