[Hellion]

Trying to let the feeling past, realize its depression and anxiety crap interfering with my thinking. But I just feel like life is too freaking hard. Don't want to off myself per say, though I'd be lying if I said I have not thoughts like that at all. Can't be good enough for myself or anyone else....people care they have hope I can see some things for what they are, my life can improve and I will find better ways of dealing with things i don't have much faith in that.

I mean the other day I had a realization about drinking too much to try and numb myself out when I am angry/upset which does not go well and has become a bad habit so of course yesterday I talked to my mom was talking with some confidence of ideas of how I could avoid doing that, maybe taking up some activities I could get into as alternative things to do when I feel bored or am bothered about something. But right now I just feel like its hopeless....just don't know how to feel about myself. HOw do I motivate myself to get out and find activities, how do I build up the motivation to really, really look into some alternative therapy or maybe group therapy...just sort of feel like giving up because I don't know if I can do things I need to for my wellbeing or avoid being self destructive for my wellbeing.

I am alone at my moms house today, which I am kind of glad so I have a break from trying to keep up appearances...don't think I can admit to people I really feel that hopeless better to keep acting confident I can really change things for the better I don't want them to be concerned. But also being alone gives me lots of time stuck with my own thoughts and feelings which aren't always good. I feel pathetic and weak and hopeless...can anyone relate?

[gayleggg]

I can relate. My depression stands between me and everything I want to do. I, too, try to keep up a front, especially in front of my daughter. I don't want her to worry. The older I get the more helpless I feel. I haven't found and answer. I've had some meds bring me out of it for a while but it doesn't last. The one I'm on now just keeps me stable enough to muddle through the days.

[Fuzzybear]

[Hellion]

Uhh I hate feeling like that, ended up feeling a bit better today...suppose I will see how I feel tomorrow.

That sounds so familiar, being stuck with my own thoughts. I am my own worst enemy.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

That sounds so familiar, being stuck with my own thoughts. I am my own worst enemy.

Exactly...it can be very difficult, and I do get afraid I will cause harm to myself when alone sometimes because just not sure how far my own thoughts will go without being distracted and interrupted with other people being around. On the brightside there are cats at my house so I wasn't entirely alone and cats at least in my experience make a point to demand attention and/or just start acting really cute making it harder for me to think about bad stuff...

But yeah even today still seems like a daunting task to keep going, just don't know if its worth it...but yeah best I can do is watch my mood/thoughts and if it escalates too much I can always go to the ER and be sent to a psych ward...but hopefully it doesn't get to that point again.

[mikeysmom322]

I need help. Im really depressed and I don't think im getting enough help from my doctor. I don't deserve to feel this way. I feel so lonely and frightened. This has lasted a long time.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by mikeysmom322

I need help. Im really depressed and I don't think im getting enough help from my doctor. I don't deserve to feel this way. I feel so lonely and frightened. This has lasted a long time.

Then it would seem you have an understanding of how I feel...except sometimes I do think I deserve to feel this way, but that doesn't make it true.

[DogTired]

Hang in there. I know how you feel about the drinking - seems like a great way to deaden the suffering while you wait for therapy, meds, activities, etc. to really provide long-term relief. It's soooo easy to do counter-productive things when you're depressed. I'm a pro at it. Hang in there, keep hanging out with the cats (I have dogs who provide pet therapy for me and it really does help!) and checking in on here. I'm glad you are keeping the ER in mind if you feel like you get to that point. If you had a life-threatening heart condition you wouldn't think twice about going to the ER so it should be the same with life-threatening depression.