Always in my head too much

So heres the thing: I have a masters in Counseling. I was a play therapist for children for 3 years. I learned all about how to counsel people, how to diagnose people, what answers counselors/psychologists are looking for, etc. So, it makes it hard for me not to over analyze all of my feelings and others' feelings. If I go to counseling, I think about what the right answer should be, or what technique the counselor is using and why. At home I think about my thoughts and what having depressive thoughts mean and if I ask a question this way would the response be different than if I asked it another way.

And then, there are times that I throw all of that out the window and just scream and yell and nag and argue. But I'm constantly thinking of all the negative things in my life. How I hate my job. How I don't like fundamental things about my soon to be In-Laws. How Im not even sure I like my fiancé anymore. How no one takes the time to "hear" me or understand all of these thoughts.

And then the guilt and shame comes. I feel guilty that Im always so negative and making others's lives around me so horrible. I work with my fiancé and my brother - all day, 5 days a week - from my fiancé and I's home. (We are trying to get an office, but its taking forever). I fight with them all day, even just about doing my job. And that makes their job harder.

I want to work on becoming more positive. Joining this forum is my first step. Ive started exercising and eating healthier as well. I just can't tell if the feelings I'm having towards my fiancé are because I don't like him or because Im unhappy with myself. But I need to figure it out soon because we are getting married this year!

Oh boy can I relate to some of that. Been suffering with depression since childhood… and it’s what encouraged me to read Psychology as my degree of choice. Probably one of my worse moves as it made me so bloody cynical and analytical to what others said during my late teens and most of my 20’s. I do remember once in a lecture, the proff asked us to look to our left… now look to the right… statistically one of you is doing this course because you have mental health issues.

Pretty much stuck two fingers up at the mental health profession up until recent years, and my degree was a waste, hated with a passion psychology as a whole… had no idea what was really wrong with me and was frustrated as hell by the conflicting, adhoc and contradictory care I had received.

Part of my mind also is concentrating on what a councillor is saying… mulling it over and attributing it to my own understanding of psychology.

The T I’m seeing now had a chat about it and I had asked quite early on, if she would qualify her remarks, that throwing some stuff at me such as ‘I want to do some work on disassociation with you’ will freak me out if you say that at the end of a session and out of the blue (with no mention of disassociation before) and then leave me hanging for 2 weeks.

I do think we can be our biggest critics and some of us over analyse our issues… and harshly berate ourselves.

I acknowledge now that I really need help.. and I’m trying to roll with it.

I do hope that you figure it out sooner than later. I arrived at your conclusions way too late...10 years as a clinician, now working in a family owned business with my wife doing something that she enjoys but I loathe (and that is not even close to explaining the intensity of my disdain for what I do)...That said, I'm not unhappy with my wife (of nearly 20 years), I'm upset that I didn't take a stand and continue with the work that I loved and let her do her own thing employment-wise. Working together in a business is something that can be good for some, but for us it is not.

This led me to some of the same conclusions as you have - questioning whether or not I'm unhappy in my relationship or with myself. For a bit, I thought it was me, but I'm learning that it's a complicated mix of things.

So now, I'm exercising, eating a bit better and trying like heck to extricate myself from a business relationship so that I can bring the life back into my marriage relationship (which is doing well, but has done so much better)...

Best to you...

Thank you for your reply. Its good to hear that I'm not the only one questioning EVERYTHING! I was in therapy, but Im nervous about returning. I just stopped going and now I have to get over feeling like a failure by going back to the same therapist. I live in a small town and there aren't many choices for therapists around here. I am my biggest critic for sure. I try to get input from my fiancé but he is not an emotional person, so Im left to my own thoughts most of the time.

Yep, Im there too. I really don't like the business that my fiancé, brother, and I do but they need me right now. I liked counseling, but I don't think I was good at it, or I guess that it was the right time for me. It was emotionally exhausting and my depression was exacerbated. I did, finally, speak up and tell my fiancé what I needed for our relationship. In this business, it is non-stop. He doesn't go to bed until 1:00am almost every night, and is working on the computer and/or talking on the phone the entire time. On weekends, he still takes work calls and sometimes still does computer work. He actually listened to me and we have scheduled a weekend of just us and he has agreed to turn off his phone! I truly hope this will allow us to be closer and remind me why we are getting married!