I was feeling a lot better. Then my therapy day rolls around (anxiety builds).

Last week was pretty rough. "Bad" thoughts of hurting myself. Wednesday was pretty ugly but I got through it. Thursday was nearing out of control.... I self harmed (2,000+ minor cuts). I felt a LOT LOT LOT better after that.

My weekend was actually nice. I went for a couple of walks and listened to the birds and looked at the sky and felt "normal" for the first time in ages.

Then Monday (therapy day) rolls around. I have to re-hash all the crap with her. She is not happy that I "give myself the okay to self harm" (as in I am not trying enough).

She knows that my self harm is done (typically) to prevent me from doing 'worse' things to myself. She even acknowledges that for me self harm does help me... she just wants me to find a better way....

but it WORKS. I really feel that I may not have safely made it through the day without it.... (thoughts of crashing my car or drivin under a semi-truck remain in my head).

arg.

NOW she wants to dig more..... The day before Good Friday - my mother-in-law passed. She had been living with us for the last 2+ years. She was always nice to me. Hell - she was nicer to me than my own mother. Everyone likes to do mother in law jokes (and she could be a bit odd at times) but she was a nice lady to me. My wife is struggling (obviously) with this loss. Now my shrink wants to talk about how "I" am dealing with this.

I do not deal with death well. Never did. It has been 32 years since the 1st person close to me died. I still can not think of it without getting very upset. So I avoid it.

I do not want to talk about it. I just want to bury it and leave it be. Why do shrinks always have to upset us???

[eeyorestail]

Guh, I hate it when my therapist or pdoc do that. It's like they are probing for weaknesses and hitting on all of my worst issues! I think sometimes it helps to just take a step back.

Maybe you could tell her that eventually you will be ready to talk about it, just not now? Sometimes my t lets me get away with that.

[ToeJam]

Can relate in part, my T wants to work on trauma stuff next month and I'm dreading it. That said though, these things are what effect some of our core beliefs, the stuff that is foundation blocks to where we are now... for any chance to heal and move forward, it is going to be a logical part of the process to look at, acknowledge and tackle these big barriers that we have repressed, have brushed over with lots of gloss paint and hoped they would just disappear.

Doesn't work like that sadly, they lurk under the surface and are instrumental in how we feel.

I would say that you have to let her know that if she/he insists on working these issues, that it's got to be at your pace. If you're not ready, then you're not ready.

Be gentle with yourself UM, she is there to help you, so tell her how you feel, let her know if something is too much... if she has any sense she'll chat with you in a kind adult way and discuss how to progress in a way that you come to an agreement that fundamentally, you're comfortable with.

Originally Posted by krminnj

....Maybe you could tell her that eventually you will be ready to talk about it, just not now?

I like this idea a lot and I WILL try it. I do not think she will let me slide - but it is worth a shot. THANKS.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...for any chance to heal and move forward, it is going to be a logical part of the process to look at, acknowledge and tackle these big barriers....

In theory, I agree with the premise. Unfortunately, all I can think about as she picks at this scab is - - "stall her, and hopefully I will die before we have to work on this topic".

Kinda twisted logic in my head. But honest.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

I would say that you have to let her know that if she/he insists on working these issues, that it's got to be at your pace.

I have far more experience with psychiatrists than therapists. Were I to get a therapist who wanted to dig in uncomfortable places, this is the approach I'd adopt.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

In theory, I agree with the premise. Unfortunately, all I can think about as she picks at this scab is - - "stall her, and hopefully I will die before we have to work on this topic".

Kinda twisted logic in my head. But honest.

Heh, yeah I get that. For me it’s a little different (holding on till we deal with it), T has been preparing me for this for a few months, wanted to make sure that I had some grounding before hand. Nervous as hell, repressed some of stuff very well… have slight recollection… and not sure what this work is going to involve.

By the by, with relation to you… remember that this is your time, you are essentially the customer… yes she has a level of care, but she is there to guide… so like I said, your pace. If you’re not ready, don’t feel forced.

We go to T’s for help… yes they are going to know their job well and have intuition to what they believe we can handle, but the best voice to that is your own.

[dandylin]

My T knows me well enough to read my face. When she sees the panic look; she backs off. But she also gently nudges me closer to dealing with those things by warning me of what she'd like to work on next, so that I can work myself up to what we need to do.

[Want2want]

[Why do shrinks always have to upset us???[/QUOTE]

Tell her just what you told us... how afraid you are of talking about certain stuff.

IMHO, any good T is sincerely trying to help you, and they can do that best when you are honest. So if you can't talk about the things she is asking about, tell her that you can't.

She's asking this stuff not to upset you, she's hoping to understand you. Sometimes, it's the things we don't want to talk about that are clues to why we feel so bad. And sometimes, when we find out why, we can figure out how NOT to feel so bad.

[Want2want]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Can relate in part, my T wants to work on trauma stuff next month and I'm dreading it.

I'll just share with you from personal experience that it MIGHT not end up being a big deal. MIGHT, I'm certainly not telling you about you.

I had one issue that was a big one for me, pure panic attacks anytime I touched it. So one day, we decided to "work on it". And in only 5 minutes of doing so, all of a sudden my brain just clicked, and the issue was no big deal.

Literally 5 minutes. I had spent 40 years petrified about X, and in 5 minutes was thinking, "Boy, THAT was a silly thing to think", and laughing about it. 20 years since, and it's never been a problem again. The brain neurons just flipped.

Just sharing that it's possible.

W2W - fair advice. I guess I have grown to have a big security buffer between myself and them..... It keeps me out of the nut house.

:/

[SeekerOfLife]

I asked T. today why do I have to dig up old pain when I just want to forget it? She said that if old pain is affecting me now, then it does need to be dealt with. If past pain is causing me problems in the here and now, it is better to examine it. Its kind of like I am tripping over the same emotional junk over and over.

[Want2want]

Originally Posted by seekersinking

I asked T. today why do I have to dig up old pain when I just want to forget it? She said that if old pain is affecting me now, then it does need to be dealt with. If past pain is causing me problems in the here and now, it is better to examine it. Its kind of like I am tripping over the same emotional junk over and over.

Well put.

Excuse me for playing Doctor, but here's how that stuff worked for me. I had had a trauma as an infant. I was so young I wasn't even beginning to speak. So there were no WORDS or logical thought with that trauma. With no words to remember, there was no way I could even talk about as an adult, literally no "memory" in the way we speak of memory.

But my BRAIN remembered. "When X appears, fire panic neurons because it is extra danger.... create flight."

So as an adult, I'd see anything remotely like X, and panic. NO REASON, the brain did it all by itself. There literally was no thought to it, even the first time the real trauma happened, that's key, literally no thought.

With the T's help, the PHYSICAL structure of the wiring in my brain changed, and it stopped firing those panic signals.

Simplistic explanation, but it's factual science. The BRAIN REWIRES, and that changes how you think and feel.

[Espresso]

I wish mine would try to upset me. I feel like it's way too easy for me to avoid topics I don't want to talk about but probably should. And now the only one that remotely pushed is gone.

[Want2want]

Originally Posted by Espresso

I wish mine would try to upset me. I feel like it's way too easy for me to avoid topics I don't want to talk about but probably should. And now the only one that remotely pushed is gone.

Share that with them. And if they don't dig, since you are in effect telling us you want them to, then get another who will.