[Nqw4]

I'm a 22 yr old undergraduate student who's been on a downwards spiral for the past four years in college. I have a plethora of issues that seems to compound each other. I have a physical disability, cerebral palsy and use a power chair to get around. The intellectual challenge of academics always interested me up until my second semester of college even though I struggled producing material because of slower and less accurate fine motor skills. However, because of social isolation(as a result of discrimination from peers and the school) , I fell into a deep depression and found it more and more difficult to do academic work for my classes. Eventually, I stopped attending class in an attempt to catch op on course work. My first semester I got a 3.33 average in 4if my classes. Now I only can find that I succeed in 1 class at a time even three yrs later.

Further, I got so used to my depression that everyone around me thinks I'm doing fine because I learned how to trick them so to not bother them. Now, I'm living on my own and taking one class at a time, but because I'm so focused on staying afloat in that 1 class, I wasn't able to adequately take care of my basic needs like grocery shopping and as a result of ordering out, I wasn't able to pay my bills and now am being faced with eviction. It takes so much effort to do much of anything these days for me. Just getting up seems like a huge feat. I am in desperate need of help. I am always missing meetings and appointments. I want and need to get myself out of this, but it feels like each time I do so, I'm pulled further in. I want to make a difference and want to be reliable and useful, but can't seem to even help myself. Please help.

[Altered Moment]

If you cannot help yourself then maybe it is time to get help. I think you will find most people here feel pretty powerless over their symptoms of depression. They just happen to us and we have no control. Often we don't really care what might be causing it we just want to be normal. I have know control when depression hits. The symptoms take me over. I have become too tired to keep up appearances. The only thing I know to do is to keep seeking treatment in all the available methods.

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[pegasus]

Hello Nqw4, welcome to Psych Central.

You have a lot to cope with, it's time for you to seek support. Go see your doctor and get some medication and look into therapy. If you are still at university, there should be a counseling service attached, please go see them, they will be able to help you. Keep sharing here also.

[Nqw4]

Zinco, I've got so used to hiding depression, it's become second nature to me. When people ask how I'm doing I say that I'm well because if I say anything otherwise I'm inconveniencing them. In terms of seeking help, I've been trying to get support for the whole year. Because I'm part time now, I'm not eligible for services. My university disability services counselor has been looking to find doctors but hasn't found any. However, I recently found a few leads that I want to call up and possibly schedule for an intake this Tuesday. As for meds, how would I approach the conversation? What should I know before going in? What questions should I ask?

[TorturedSoul92]

Have you told any family or friends about what's been going on? Maybe they'll be able to give you some support day to day for appointments & keeping up with tasks. Also, try to seek any help from school you can get from on sight counselors. We're here for you & I hope you get through this rough time. Remember, it's an experience.... It's not permanent

[Nqw4]

My parents won't be much help since they live in other states and just dint get depression at all. My dad thinks it's caused by my isolating myself and failing classes, not the other way around. My mom just doesn't get it at all. My friends may be a good avenue but dint want to burden them. They already support me a tremendous deal and don't want to lose what support I already have. I'm also afraid of them knowing how deep the rabbit hole goes with my depression and having them think less of me or worse, ditch me because I'm too much to handle.

[TorturedSoul92]

Ok so, that sounds really familiar to what I said to my therapist about being a burden to my friends. No such thing. They are there for support & real, reliable friends will understand exactly what you're going through and the severity of it.

[Nqw4]

I get messages that I'm super negative from them all the time. And so to appease them, I try to hide everything bad that's going on in my life from them because, really, who wants to be around a negative nancy?

[Bolivar83]

Dear Nqw4: so sorry to hear how hard it has been for you. I admire your strength in continuing with college despite the obstacles, and am impressed with your grit.

Surely you would qualify for SSI/DI, or some form of assistance that could help you through this time? Have you spoken with your Disability dept at the college (does your college have one)? They have access to info & resources we might not know of, and at least you would have some to talk with who is trained in these issues. It sounds like you would qualify for help with rent/housing as well as other services. Please forgive me if you have already been this route - I don't mean to overstep.

I'm sorry you have heard such feedback ("super negative") - it's hard to be mary sunshine when dealing with MH issues, and you sound like you are in there fighting to make things better and be considerate of others. I wish you felt comfortable to let your friends know what you are struggling with right now, but understand your reservations.

I hope posting here has been helpful for you - I know I find it incredibly supportive.
Please take care, and hope you will post further.

-Bolivar

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by Nqw4

Zinco, I've got so used to hiding depression, it's become second nature to me. When people ask how I'm doing I say that I'm well because if I say anything otherwise I'm inconveniencing them. In terms of seeking help, I've been trying to get support for the whole year. Because I'm part time now, I'm not eligible for services. My university disability services counselor has been looking to find doctors but hasn't found any. However, I recently found a few leads that I want to call up and possibly schedule for an intake this Tuesday. As for meds, how would I approach the conversation? What should I know before going in? What questions should I ask?

I don't mean tell everyone that asks you how your doing to say your depressed or anything like that. If you said failing classes and isolating then it is effecting you and others notice. Once it affects you to a certain degree you can't hide it anymore. You need a certain number of people, some professionals, some on here, some in real life who really do understand and won't judge and will be supportive.

If you get professional help you want to get a thorough evaluation. Like two or three hours not fifteen minutes. You be totally honest on the paper work, tests, questions. Tell them of history, current symptoms, whats going on in your life and so on. Rule out thyroid and other possible physical causes. After all that talk to a psychiatrist about meds. If you think you have depression look up and learn about SSRI's and SSNRI's, antidepressants. If you need a diagnosis you should come out with one and a treatment plan.

When I did all this I was very relieved and felt much hope.