[eggplantlife]

Starting to feel depressed again. Trying to stop smoking but it's causing me to feel depressive thoughts. Very hard to handle. This morning feeling down. I got a relief for a while from depression, but life not moving forward causing me to feel down again. Not knowing anyone but the family I live with. Not being able to go outside and move around freely. I walked around the block couple of days ago. Sort of felt good. I'm doing this 100 days of happiness where you post something that makes you happy. Sort of makes me see things that make you happy throughout the day. Not much was happening yesterday to be happy. Feeling really lonely now. Ex husband have a happy life. Wish mine was too. He found someone quickly after me or maybe he was already seeing the person. It took me a long time to find someone who likes me and I like back. I thought he liked me for me, but he didn't. He wasn't there for me when my depression started 8 years ago. He left me. I guess, he needed to find his happiness which he found. Much better than bring there for a depressed person. Feeling really lousy about myself. Would like to help the family who took me in, but feel powerless not to help them financially...as I have no finance. I don't see a way out of where I am. Been trying thing and ......just feel really lousy. Starting to cry...smoke inside of me ...weekends are worst. I don't want to go back when I was feeling suicidal again

[eggplantlife]

Yes, feeling REAALLLLYY bad. I keep writing to focus on something to do. When will my life get better?!?! I'm suppose to enjoy what I have and enjoy the moment. But having a hard time. Feel a lot of pressure on my head. Going to get another cig. It's not even mine that I bought. I feel really rotten smoking cig from the person in this household who buys them and they are having financial problem. I'm an adult!!!!! I should be functioning like an adult!

[eggplantlife]

Feel a little bit better after having a smoke. But would like to feel better without it. This is causing emotional upheaval on me.

[pegasus]

Might not be the time to try and give up smoking but if you are going to do that then really you need patches or lozenges or something to replace the nicotine. At least you have somewhere to stay, a roof over your head. Keep writing and sharing, try not to beat yourself up.

[eggplantlife]

Thank pegasus

[eggplantlife]

Have no one to talk to so writing here.

[eggplantlife]

Called one person, they didn't pick up. Afraid to call another because I keep talking about my depressive life and not doing much. They keep telling me to go out.

[Bigmike727]

Hi, I know what you mean about how difficult it is to quit smoking. I just had my first cigarette today after being clean for 2 and a half months. Honestly, part of me doesn't want to quit, I guess I have a love affair with tobacco. If its possible try working on a smaller goal first, like smoking less cigarettes a day, or only smoking when you feel bad. I find that helps me limit how much I smoke. Wishing you the best.

[MotherMarcus]

I agree with Bigmike. Just one step at a time. Keep writing.

[Fuzzybear]

[Altered Moment]

You may be an adult but if you have severe depression like me it is a very debilitating disease. I have been living with my parents for a year and a half and been relying on them financially for six months. I am 50 and I don't like it one bit. It is what it is though. If it wasn't for family I would be homeless.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bolivar83]

Aw, Eggplantlife - sorry you are feeling depressed - smoke that cig if you have to. Sometimes the old tried-&-true is the only thing that helps. It's hard to quit, and if it isn't undermining your progress/too harmful, sometimes you have to allow yourself a step back.
Know how it is to be lonely, and how hard it can be sometimes to talk to others about depression/sadness.

Hang in there - glad you are posting here. Please tell what is most helpful for you right now.

[Maria38Divine]

Hi Eggplantlife,

I totally understand how you feel. Been experiencing some of the same. Not a smoker though, but maybe reducing gradually will help you quit and stay off. Keep sharing or at least coming on the site. I find that just being a part of a community like this helps during the really rough times.

[eggplantlife]

So tired of this life. So tired of trying so hard. Losing myself. Depression back on with thoughts of wanting to end. Wish I was back in NY so I can get help but then it didn't help...doctors, group therapy, therapist, meds, friends, being active...didn't help. Maybe being hopeless and getting what I deserve is best....but then this doesn't sound like right thinking.

[waterknob1234]

Hey, you at least tried to quit smoking, which I think is hard to do even when you are not suffering depression. I confess, my friend at work and I both tried to quit smoking and failed. We decided there was too much stress in our workplace to cope with kicking the cigarette habit. Keep posting if it helps. I post so much about my frustration with my job people probably get sick of reading it.

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by Bolivar83

Aw, Eggplantlife - sorry you are feeling depressed - smoke that cig if you have to. Sometimes the old tried-&-true is the only thing that helps. It's hard to quit, and if it isn't undermining your progress/too harmful, sometimes you have to allow yourself a step back.
Know how it is to be lonely, and how hard it can be sometimes to talk to others about depression/sadness.

Hang in there - glad you are posting here. Please tell what is most helpful for you right now.

Don't really know what is helpful for me. I thought listening to audio to relax would be helpful. My friend is helpful. But I keep making wrong decisions.

[scarlet_lettered]

Sorry you're feeling this way. Quitting smoking is super-hard; it takes multiple attempts and it's ok to fall off the wagon. We're all human; It's going to happen. Nicotine is meth-level addictive. Get back on the wagon when you're feeling up to it.

You knew that you needed the cigarette in that moment to cope. And then you reached out. You took care of yourself. That's adult behavior.