I really need some help.

Hello everyone.. I don't even know where to start. I'm so tired of explaining things because I feel as if no one will ever understand, so what's the point? Anyway, I guess I'll start by saying from when I was born until I turned 13 my mom and dad had terrible drinking problems, hit each other, and I had to worry about a lot of things as a child. So many times I told people it didn't bother me, and that I was okay, but now that I'm 17 it's caught up with me and I'm hurting so bad. My parents did finally divorce, and that is when my mom went completely downhill, only drank vodka and barely ate. More things happened but I won't go into detail. She did become sober and has been since, but we've still been having health issues with her and shes super depressed herself.

I dropped out of school because of my anxiety and depression to start online school, that didn't work out because I got so far behind from being in the hospital so much, so I left that too. I have my anxiety under control now and I went and got my GED. I am now enrolled in college. So yes, I do have things to be happy and thankful for, they're just totally covered by all the hurt I'm feeling.

Now lets go back to when I met this guy named Luke, the source of all my upset at them moment. I hope I'm not boring you all too much by now. Everything was great, we got along so well, I had someone to talk to, and I was finally happy. We went to concerts, did a ton of fun things, and he was the sweetest thing. But he also had terrible problems with anger. He'd get angry at me over the smallest things-- he'd tell me to kill myself, call me worthless, and make me cry my eyes out. Oh and I forgot to mention, he lives 800 miles away and he still has the power to do this. We've broken up so many times, but because I don't have any friends, I go back to him because I become so lonely I can't take it. He has these weird grudges of some of my friends, and he tells me I can't go or hang out with people all the time. And if I try too, he threatens me saying, "I'll kill myself/hurt myself" or "I'll embarrass you." And what he means by embarrass is send my friends my nudes, or something worse. I know this isn't right, but he's all I have, and when he's not doing this **** he's so caring. And I need that the most. Whenever i try to leave him he gets so upset, and it breaks my heart.

Ok so lets end this on what happened to night, and why I felt the need to make this account and post here, in hopes someone could help me. We broke up yesterday because I became so fed up with the fighting and him trying to control me. I have never felt so done in my life. Today I woke up and made plans with one of my friends he likes for no damn reason, and he found out. He told me no, and if I go he'll hurt himself or, and I quote, "make my life a living hell." I didn't care, I wanted to go out and get him off my mind. So I lied and said I was going out with a friend he does like instead, but still went out with the one he doesn't. It went smoothly surprisingly, but now I'm sitting in bed, alone again, and I feel absolutely terrible. I turned my phone off and I just know he's crying and probably planning suicide. I just need to get away from him, I feel so hopeless, sad, lonely, and even though I went out today I feel no better at all. I just want all this pain and sadness to go away, but I'm to the point where I feel it never will.

This definitely doesn't go into to much detail, so I don't expect any of you to understand. And that's what's so sad about my depression to me, no one will ever know what I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Please give me some advice, or something to pick me up. Because I'm hurting.

(I'm not going to check over this to see if there is any mistakes. So sorry if it doesn't make sense. Thank you...)

You are not alone. If you don't have a therapist please try to find one. I urge you to call the nation domestic abuse hotline. 1-800-799-7233(safe), you can also google them and chat online.

I agree with the above. He is not a safe person for you to be with. Hang tough on this one.

I don't normally say anything about my past, but I also had a quite crappy life so far. When I was 8, my parents got a divorce, they knew they weren't right for each other, but decided to stay together for my brothers and I. It ended with my dad in jail and my mom in the ER. My mom fell into depression and started drinking, she went through rehab 3 times within 1 year and went through multiple jobs. When I was 12, my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and the next fall we had a house fire, and over Christmas, I got Shingles, extremely painful, I was out of school for an entire week because of my pain medications.

I'm now 19 and life still sucks. I don't have a boyfriend or anything like that, but I've been having severe problems with anxiety and depression, as well as bi-polar disorder, ADD, and signs of early Schizophrenia.

As for your troublesome boyfriend, if he ever seems serious about his threats, I would suggest getting in contact with the police. Threatening to send those pictures and preventing you from seeing your friends is blackmail and harassment. As for those threats about self harm, if he has a therapist, I would recommend telling letting them know, and if he doesn't, try to convince him to get one.

I know it's hard, and it seems like there's no way that you can continue, but I would like to assure you that it will get better if you let it.

I'm no longer close with either of my parents, but I've been getting through my issues on my own.

It's nice not feeling too alone. I'm sorry that you've had to go through all of that, it really isn't fair. Logically I know I can't let my past hold me back and ruin my happiness, but sometimes you can't control what you feel. I'm hoping one day I can break from this constant remembrance of my terrible past and start to be happy. The first step is getting out of this terrible relationship.

It's just so difficult. One second it's terrible and I have no problem with turning my phone off, but other times it tears me apart, because he shows how much it actually hurts him. No matter how much he's hurt me, I still would never want to purposely hurt him.

I hope everything gets easier, not only for me, but for you too. Thank you for your reply. It really helped.

I had a therapist, but it was an elderly lady that didn't really appeal to me. She talked to my mom more than me. Plus, whenever I'm this upset I don't see any hope in feeling better, so I put it off. I know that isn't good, but I've had such a bad experience with therapists that I'm kind of afraid to see another one. Maybe I should just suck it up because after all, it is their job.

Thank you for this reply. It's nice knowing someone cares.

Sometimes it's really hard to find the right therapist. I had court appointed therapy after my parents got divorced to make sure that I was still stable, and at first, we just played games. I find that during the first few appointments, it's not really about the therapist helping you, but rather you getting to know the therapist and making sure they're a good fit. It's always harder to talk to people that you don't feel comfortable with. Yes, sometimes you have to suck it up, but once you find the right therapist, you will probably feel more comfortable.

One thing that I started to do last winter was write out what I was feeling when my depression got really bad. I ended up writing a document about all of the things that I have been through and all of the things that are happening to me. I did just a little bit of editing and decided that during the first few appointments, I would allow my new psychiatrist/psychologist to read through this document so that they understand where I'm coming from and I won't have to talk through all of it.

I hope you find the right therapist soon!