[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Stuck a trigger on it, just in-case.

I feel like crap. I'm sick of feeling alone. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm angry that I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I think being single so long is starting to get to me, ... until that changes, I'm gonna just keep going along, feeling like I'm doing things alone, ... I don't really like the idea that I'm "battling" this crap solo. I miss feeling like there's was "another half". Life just seems so empty, ... I fill it with as much as I can, but it keeps missing the one thing that I feel like I can't have, ... it kind of feels like I'm not allowed to have it. I don't even know if I'm capable of it. Too worried. Too fearful. Too much of a coward.

I need to get OUT more, ... going to the shops 5 or so minutes walk away is not really going out, but that, for me, is quite a good thing... it was a challenge, it was an achievement, now it's less so, ... I'm not sure what's worse, now, ... OCD, anxiety or depression. I haven't visited my brah (best mate of 8 or so years) in months, because of all this, whatever "this" is. I managed to go to town, a few days ago, ... that was an OK day... I was stronger. I need to feel alive. I miss the one thing that made me feel alive, but ironically, that is something that threatens one of the things I love the most: being alive.

Just one of those days, maybe, ... except this is how I always feel, I'm just good at squishing it all the way down, so I can pretend.

Anyway, no woman around here (my town, and any other towns I go to, or have gone to.. so basically, 3 ... don't even get me started on that big city.) would consider me as a potential.. thing.. they're too busy sticking their noses at people like us, ...y'know, "unhealthy". Yeah, I have mental health problems. I'm "ill". I'm "disabled". How can I stick at a relationship, knowing I'm always going to be this pathetic, useless ****-up. Maybe I'm wrong, ... I hope I'm wrong, ... but it's hard to think otherwise. Ever tried an online dating site? Ever SEEN the sort of shallow, obnoxious, arrogant women that reside there? It's a let-down. No, I'm sorry, lady, I don't travel, I'm not rich with my own business and fast car, and no, sorry lady, but I'm not looking for a big family of a bazillion kids, and guess what, Miss Lookatmyboobs, but I'm actually a bit too sensitive to jump in the sack with you THAT quickly, so you can figure out whether you want to establish an emotional connection with me!

ARGH.

So yes. Angry, but also depressed.

Sorry. Been a while since I've just blurrrrghed a load of feelingy crap out.

EDIT:

I don't understand how you all do it. So many happily married people, and people with girlfriends and boyfriends, ... what am I missing? You've all got mental health problems, many worse than I, and you manage wonderful relationships. 'o.O It entirely confuses me. It's not just that, either, ... so many of you seem to work, ... great jobs... heck, I know one who's an assistant nurse, ... nice woman... I dunno how she does it. It's not even like I'm all THAT messed up... I have my legs. I have my ears. I have my eyes. I can speak. I can feel. I can walk. Am I just THAT much of a failure? I guess at least the relationship thing comes down to how much I close myself off, ... struggle to connect... struggle to have a bit of hope/faith... can't be that great if that last woman to be with me wanted to.. ergh nevermind.

I've not had one of these stupid moments in a long time... let me off with this one, please?

OK... I'll leave this thread here, but I'm gonna just pretend I didn't submit it for a while. OK... ignorance is [beep] bliss.

[Idiot17]

No reason to be sorry, and rant all you want. It's what we all are here for.
Loneliness is something that's not easy to deal with.
(((((Hugs))))))

[pegasus]

Hugs ((((((( Zwang ))))))) Not much to say other than you do a really good rant!

[Travelinglady]

((((Zwang)))) Believe me, if I hadn't had years of counseling, I wouldn't be happily married, have children, my own home, and all the things many people look at and think make the perfect life.

Yet, I had to give up my career because of my health.

Many people wish they weren't married, and I always contend it's better to be single than married to the wrong person. I am glad you see that some women just aren't for you.

Yes, please rant away. I think you're great guy.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Zwang ))))))))

[waggiedog]

Hi there hunny. Oh yes, I agree with everyone else ~ much better to come here, to folk who DO understand, and rant/vent away as much as you like. Yes, of course there are many people out there walking through the high street who are feeling the same as you, but of course, they don't have it written on their forehead (as neither do you!). I've absolutely no doubt that people passing you by haven't a clue how you feel on the inside. I've found out from my own experience that depression sometimes comes out feeling like it's anger, we feel anger and rage yet it can be far from that, often depression is at the base of it all. Do you see a mental health care professional? Do you think you'd benefit from talking about your issues with someone? Anyways, know that you can always come here, PC has so much to offer. Hope to see you around sometime. HUGS. xxxxxxxxxx

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Thanks, guys. I took the rest of my ARGHness out on the guitar, and played loads of classical stuff. lol (really love playing Uematsu, Nobuo - Melodies Of Life, at the moment; it's from a Final Fantasy game, but it sounds nice xD) I'm such a girl, sometimes. ¬_¬ *actually a man* But hey, turns out feeling like crap helps you play an instrument better! Who knew!?

Waggiedog:

I don't see a professional, anymore. I bailed on therapy for my OCD, a good few months ago, which we both felt was a smart decision. Although that CBT did touch on depression and my anxiety, its focus was the OCD, and it did help a bit for that. Unfortunately, still left with all the other stuff! Took a lot out of me to go through all that stuff, though, and IDK if I can do that again, so soon.

Trying to keep my sleep decent, trying to stick to working out, my German and guitar stuff is going well and I wanna stick at that... I just don't wanna rock the boat, if you know what I mean. If there were a local support group I'd go there, DEFINITELY, but there isn't. I've looked....

Unrelated, ... it's kinda weird to talk to someone online who's just an hour or two's drive away from you. 'o.O I'm so used to meeting online people from a bazillion miles away. xD

[HuxleysParadox]

I've always held on to this belief that humans are organic machines, just like how mechanical machines need to vent so they don't get overheated we need it too! I can only offer that relationships are work. It takes alot of work for any relationship to last, and the longer the relationship the more it takes. Maybe you just haven't met someone who you can work with yet. Don't close yourself off to possibilities. Don't think just because youhave issues you aren't worthy or capable of having one. I'm sure all your foibles make you a very interesting person with a unique viewpoint on things.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by HuxleysParadox

I've always held on to this belief that humans are organic machines, just like how mechanical machines need to vent so they don't get overheated we need it too! I can only offer that relationships are work. It takes alot of work for any relationship to last, and the longer the relationship the more it takes. Maybe you just haven't met someone who you can work with yet. Don't close yourself off to possibilities. Don't think just because youhave issues you aren't worthy or capable of having one. I'm sure all your foibles make you a very interesting person with a unique viewpoint on things.

I share your opinion that we are like machines and need to cool off from time to time. xD I feel like my brain is the heatsink, and in the center of that, is some magical bit that = me... overheating at any moments notice.

[TheOriginalMe]

Sorry that you're feeling alone. I haven't managed a relationship for over 20 years Sometimes I'm OK with being alone, sometimes I'm not.........no guessing where I am now I don't see that I'll ever have another relationship, I hope you find the courage to work on your anxieties, cos I can say from bitter experience that a lifetime of being alone is far, far worse than anything anxiety can throw at you. You sound like a kind, caring and sensitive guy and I'm sure there is someone out there for you if only you can get out there in the first place.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

...

I appreciate that, ToM. I guess I can just hope I want have a lifetime alone.