Close to my breaking point...

Recently I've been arguing with my family more over the stupidest things such as going to college or my brother's tshirt ending up in my laundry and destroyed.

The most recent fight had to do with both of the above. During the shouting match, I was really upset and didn't mean to say "Well give me a gun and I'll kill myself!" I regretted it a little after I said it but it was fueled when my grandmother yells back at me "Then just ****ing do it already!" I was taken back at this and again, not meaning it, I reached for one of our knives and said I'll stab myself. My hand is blocked and my grandmother, yet again, yells "Go ahead and ****ing do it! But do it far away from here so we can't get blamed for it!" and my grandfather agreed.

I know this was probably just a slip up because of their anger but regardless, this really got to me. I've felt unwanted, unloved and just plain alone for a while now but this sent me over the edge. They just kept verbally attacking me saying how strange and weird I was compared to the family and how I don't fit in, how greedy I am trying to get as much money in grants and scholarships so I can go to college, how I think I'm better than everybody because I'm in college because I tell them what I like about my classes and how how my grades are doing. I also got a snide comment of how I'm not working because I'm too "lazy" when I just have a hard time balancing school and work. Also They said that past of being abused by my mother and her boyfriends were my fault because of how I am.

Ever since that last fight, I can't help but think about their harsh words over and over and just feel like complete crap. I can barely talk to anybody without breaking down crying and feel like I'm being looked down at from everyone.

What is wrong with me? What can I do? I am literally past my breaking point and have no idea what do..... Please give me suggestions or anything that you think will help.

I think just smile and distance yourself for a while get your head together and let tempers fray. Your family will apologise as they will feel terrible about what they said.
And if they don't then I am afraid you need to study hard and keep being driven never give up and get the goals you want.
Depression is hard for not normal people to understand (non depressed people) so they don't know how you feel how little things become big things how you overthink everything and need to get constant reassurance on the slightest of decisions.
Negativeness is a depressed persons worst nightmare we need positives in our life be it a friend or online games or music. A dog helps depression and even walking a neighbours dog for free will give you a little bit of love and happiness as my neighbours dog gets long walks now and then by me and always scratches my flat door to talk to me.
Forget what they said and never speak to others like they did to you. Be the bigger man.
Talk to specialist they will know what to give you so comments like that will breeze past you.
Goodluck
Davy
P.S get as many grants as you can and be the smartest in your while family tree and make millions.

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Sounds like you have some harsh and difficult family members. If they only understood that a college education gives you more choices in this world and increases your earning potential. I always wanted my children to finish college so their lives would be better than mine. I was a college dropout. I have worked 2 jobs to put my children thru college. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. Sounds like you need more supportive people to be around. Best of wishes to you. We love you her on pc.

I'm sorry you're family seems uncaring. They obviously don't really know what you are going through. My family says things that are upsetting too. They do care but they just never were taught to be understanding of depressed people. I guess I can't blame them. Well I try not to blame them.

Wow those are terrible things for them to say...do they tend to say things at all like that when they aren't exactly angry? If so it sounds like they are emotionally abusive so if at all possible finding ways to distance yourself from them would be a good idea do you have any way of maybe moving out or staying in dorms or something?

Aside from all that though if you're considering suicide...then I recommend getting help ASAP, like if you need to go to the ER do it...because you're worth that regardless of what those jerks say.

Sounds like your grandparents are very abusive and your mother suffered low esteem and carried on the abuse, just learned it from them. Blaming you for being the cause is a way of avoiding their own part in all the family dynamics.

They probably truly don't understand how college is an escape from their lifestyle not them. They might see your reaching for a better life as criticism of them not just a desire for a better life with more opportunities.

Understanding their point of view doesn't migate the pain you must feel. if you have a T talk about this with him/her or find someone you can talk to about this cause you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.

Can you get student loans and move out?

((((((Hugs))))))

thanks for your post......family, a lot of the times for me it's the same as taking poison......first, I COMPARE MYSELF NEGATIVELY with various family members.......second, I think they are quite comfortable with me as the "mental patient".....it's like, Well - Greg is emotionally ill, that's too bad but I hope he doesn't really get better soon." Why is that? I don't know........I remember I went to a 1/2 way House in the 80's and the first rule was No family contact for 30 days......I dodn't really know what that meant but do now......they may be nice people (or maybe not) but they can also be very harmful - don't know why, it just is........