First time posting. Suffering.

Hi,

I have depression. It is mostly under control. Right now, I am having a major depressive episode. I have been seeing a my most recent counselor for about 3 years and I was feeling pretty good so I thought I might be ready to wean off of my antidepressants. I slowly went from 100 mg to 50 mg. Then, I got hit with some stressful news. It's a legal issue that is looming. Intellectually, rationally, I know that it will all work out and be ok, but right now I am really suffering. My anxiety is through the roof. I wake up shaking with a pain in my chest. I have no appetite until the end of the day. By the time I go to sleep, I feel a little better, but then in the morning it starts all over again. My husband is really supportive, but it is so hard for him to see me functioning at such a low level. And I am functioning. I go to work, I take care of my kids. I'm really good at faking it to a point. But inside, I feel so much pain. I literally feel sick. I have increased my meds again, but I'm scared it won't improve. My husband really does try to understand but yesterday he said to me: "We really can't spend the whole summer like this." I agree, but it is not like I can just turn off these feelings at will. They are always brewing under the surface. It feels like such a weight. And I feel really alone. And I'm so exhausted. It is so exhausting getting up everyday, fighting the anxiety and trying to keep it together. Fake it til you make it. That's my motto right now. I just wish I didn't have to fake it. I hate feeling so overwhelmed. I'm trying to be nice to myself. Thanks for reading.

I understand what you're going through. You're not alone. Sometimes everything calms down by night and sometimes I get more anxious at the night but every morning is the same, I always wake up feeling extremely anxious. This morning, I felt like my heart was gonna come out of my chest. My family is generally supportive but sometimes I feel like they're trying to tell me to fake it and that's just something I'm not willing to do. I have to be 100% honest so they know this is serious and so they can give support. We're not gonna get far by ourselves. I hope your husband can soon understand that you're hurting and that you need all the support you can get. Good luck!

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Welcome to PC. you can find a lot of support here.

I have found that fake it till you make it only works for so long. Hopefully long enough for you to come out of it. At some point it is just to exhausting. I think one of the worse things we deal with is peoples expectations that we will be better. You are right you have not control over all the depression and anxiety. All we can do is get help for it. Lots of help and support. It is great your husband supports you but as you understand it is very difficult for him too. We need lots of support outside of family from people who truly understand.

I am not one who believes going off meds when they are working is a good idea. If something is working stick with it IMO.

Hello & Welcome, Kipjam. Are the doctors/therapists treating you for depression only? Are they aware of the anxiety you are experiencing?

kipjam I hope you get really good.