I feel like I have nothing left to say

Hi TJ, although the thoughts/intentions feel private to you there's still no reason why you should be dealing with them/having to deal with them on your own.
If you can deal with them then great, but they can be hard (really hard) so if there's someone else there you can try to talk to..........
And by doing that you might even be able to, between you, come up with some signs as to when you might be slipping in the direction of those thoughts/intentions so as you can try to find ways to avoid them, or some more coping techniques for when they do come up.
And when you're calling it can sometimes just be the fact that you're calling that sometimes makes those thoughts/intentions not seem so serious. Maybe just the act of picking up the phone and talking has, kind of, cut off as much of how serious you may have been/might be. And maybe it stops it from escalating????
Still even IF you aren't that serious when you call 99 times, but those 99 times prompt you to pick up the phone and call (as second nature) on the 100th time when you might be really serious deep down...........are those 99 times wasted??!!! Not a chance!! If they've helped you actually get the help you need when you've really needed it, they are just as important as that 100th call.
And other than that sometimes, every little can help, right??!! And sometimes it's as much about breaking through that instinct/habit/reluctance/fear/hesitation that's stopping you from talking.
Really glad you're starting to talk though, and really glad you're sharing with us!! You matter!!!
Alison

Hope you get your psychiatrist appointment ASAP. In my depression peak I had auditory hallucinations. They happened alway in my room. And it was always a voice calling my name. Sometimes I thought it was my mom voice. I had night terrors as well. Although night terrors is a recurrent thing in me, once I was suggested to focus on a PTSD treatment, but I never explored that. Anyway, about the auditory stuff, I was told by the psychiatrist that that particular hallucination(calling my name) was common in depression. She said it was myself trying to awake me from depression. Ok, I just wanted to share this with you. I send you a hug and my best wishes.

Sorry for the mistakes above, TJ, I think you can understand anyway!

Thanks both.

In the last hour just had an explosion of stress and shaking... so just trying to calm down, sorry I can't write much more.

No problem Clara, I hadn't even noticed them (nor gone through it to identify them now you've said), understood and appreciated the information

Hope your Sunday gets better this eve, TJ. I do not know exactly why, but I have faith in you. I think this is going to pass.

Hey TJ, you write as much or as little as you want to/feel comfortable with/are able to anytime!!! And as said before, you don't even have to give any reply if you can't. That's fine!!!
Now focus on you and calming the stress. You know...........deep breathes...........trying to rationally work through it...........using a mantra............whatever helps. And anytime during or after we may be able to help/you want to talk.........we're right here.
Alison

This makes sense.
And this closely mirrors my own experience. Once I've gone over the edge into an "episode", communication is impossible until the crisis passes.

Thank you for relating your experience with the crisis team. I hope more effective care - not necessarily more attention - results.

Dear dear TJ. I'm sooooooooo sorry to hear that the therapy is bringing up such pain and chaos. Yes, we know that there's always going to be a chance that we'll go through some intensive horrible stuff, which we've buried so far down we subconsciously ''forget'' that it's there. But as someone else mentioned, it does and will happen, hurtful as it is at the time. We DON'T feel that you are moaning in any way, and if you wanna rant or go quiet, then you are within your right to do so my friend. We understand how difficult you life is, yet you still go on working and doing the best you can. I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't know whether you want to be alive or whether you want to die. Trust me hunny, I honestly don't think it's the latter or you wouldn't have given so much of yourself to therapy and PC. Do keep coming here and share with us love, we will be here OK. I'm sending oddles of HUGS and even more LOVES, as ever. XXXXXXXXX