I feel like I have nothing left to say

Well that was a farce. Called Focussline who listened to me talk, then said that they would call the crisis team on my behalf and also advised that it would pointless me calling them... Then the lady on the phone was told by another that Focussline aren't allowed to call the crisis team anymore.

Was then told that I could have a safe and well check by the police to which by that point I just didn't care.

Have been told I should go down to a&e... Thanked her for her time and hung up.

I just don't know what else to say least of all do. Considering just hurting myself some more and perhaps that will quell some of my other thoughts. I know I'm not thinking clearly... Just angry, confused and beyond caring.

Ambulance turned up (Focussline called them) and they talked me into coming with them to a&e to be assessed. Currently sitting on my own in the waiting area... Wife was walking down the street as ambulance took me (had already called her to give her forewarning). She called me and started crying... Told her not to worry, I'd keep her posted and that it will be ok.

Empty right now, banging headache.

Hi TJ, really sorry you had that experience after what it must have taken to pick up the phone/call. It sounds like the person on the phone wasn't that "skilled". And hard to understand how they felt you needed the help of the crisis team but said it was pointless for you to call them anyway.
Still A&E is an option, although the crisis team should take a call from you (or your wife, if you wanted her to phone?) just as seriously as if focusline were to have done it for you. So kind of hold that in mind as a possible if.............but right now, we're here for you if you want to talk...............
Alison

Hope it goes ok at A&E Keep talking here, hopefully we can help keep you company while you wait! You'll be ok

Hi TJ, right here too, it's good that they did something at least, and good on you for giving the assessment a shot!! Hang in there, we're here for you.
Alison

(((((((( TJ ))))))))

We're here for you, ToeJam. Hope everything goes okay.

Thinking of you TJ, hope it turns ok.
((((((TJ))))))

Thanks all. Back home and exhausted. Crisis team will be popping by some time tomorrow... Guy tonight mentioned home visits and med changes but I kind of zoned out, concentration is to crap.

Will post again in morning.

I'm glad the crisis team will be seeing you tomorrow. I hope a good nights rest will help your concentration levels for tomorrow

((((((TJ))))))

Morning all.

Well, slept relatively well... but anxiety and misery has started to kick back in Crisis team guy has called saying he'll be round this morning... kind of dreading it. Feel like such an idiot for yesterday and right now as I just feel like I'm wasting peoples time... I know others will disagree... but yeah, I hate and admonish myself when I slip like this.

Tried to do a general declutter in the living room... but the house is a tip and I'm ashamed. Things have really been let go when it comes to tidying + with the rat issue... hating myself and the house right now.... have air freshened the front room to the point of their being a blinding mist heh.

Wife has gone out for the day (gardners world)... she was worried and said she wouldn't go but I said that she shouldn't worry, I'll be fine... + I didn't want her to waste the money she's paid for the tickets nor ruin what she's been looking forward to.

Last night, she had a friend round while I was at the hospital (someone she really trusts, very steady and someone she can rely on when things are bad)... In turn she (the friend) has taken the dog for weekend as they were both concerned that with the rat(s) and my current state of mind, it wouldn't be great leaving her at home.

Another awkward thing last night... ambulance and me getting into it... well yeah, neighbours are nosy (keeping up with the Jones's much) and were at the window watching. Had asked wife what had happened and she told a white lie... but yeah, awkward... my problems on display... not particularly pleased.

Received letter this morning saying that my referral to see a psychiatrist has been accepted and that I'm to call to arrange an appointment.

Hey how did it go with the crisis team? I hope it was all ok my house was a state the last time crisis team saw me too...I shouldn't worry about that though. I'm sure it's part of the job for them.

I think neighbours will always be nosy, I often wonder what my neighbours think is going on for the times I've gone off in an ambulance. As far as I know they have never said anything though...

Good news about the psychiatrist I hope you don't have to wait too long for an appointment!

Was a bit weird... asked me lots of questions... unsure if I gave too much up... clicked onto one thing I mentioned (feel stupid bringing it up here) and he started going on about a different type of medication for something other than depression :s I don't personally think I need that or what I told him is that serious... but it's gone into the notes

Someone will be popping by tomorrow too, which as the wife will be home should be slightly easier... I really don't like talking all that much.

With reference to the psychiatrist thing... might be sooner rather than later now. Crisis team want to fast track me to see one this week so they'll get back to me so that I can arrange with work the time needed to attend.

He was trying to encourage me to not go into work this week but I don't want to risk that with the pressure that is on at work (redundancies) or be off for more time that will have an impact on my job further down the line (things not being done)... saying that, I also don't want to have a breakdown at work either... perhaps making a rod for my own back

I admit I don't know how UK healthcare works...but I hope all your appointments go well.

Ugh, neighbors. It's none of their damn business. Nosiness disguised as concern.

Hi TJ, REALLY pleased for you that you're starting to get the help you need. I know it must be a bit uncomfortable (?) for you to be in the middle of all this, but it really is a big step forward!!
And just try to put out of your mind the insignificant things e.g. if the house is untidy........well it's "lived in", if the neighbours are wondering...........well how big a part of your life are they really, and it'll be something else (other than you) they're wondering about next month if they're like a lot of people...............what matters now is YOU!!

And this bit here: "Was a bit weird... asked me lots of questions... unsure if I gave too much up... clicked onto one thing I mentioned (feel stupid bringing it up here) and he started going on about a different type of medication for something other than depression :s I don't personally think I need that or what I told him is that serious"
Couple of things:
WELL DONE if you were open with him, give yourself CREDIT for that!!!
NEVER feel stupid for bringing ANYTHING up here, you know we don't think you're stupid in the slightest, whatever!!!
And the medication, well it needs reviewing anyway, right? And we know that you can sometimes,be trying to see things from a slightly lighter perspective once the moment/s have passed, right??? So............just a thought..............

As for the going back to work thing though, maybe discuss that with them a bit more..........maybe it will help you doing some hours for as a bit of routine/structure/continuity, something to occupy you, something to stop you worrying about not being there.........but then again if you aren't up to it........why put yourself through that?
Bit more discussion???

Anyway, really good you're back and really good you're getting some help!!

Alison

Thanks Alison.

Re: the bit I wasn't comfortable with. They asked how my sleep was and I told them it was restless... one of the things I experience/suffer from (though I'd say experience as I'm used to it and other than the occasional awkward moment when people are around me and I go 'what?') is auditory hallucinations... I either get my name being said quite loudly or I hear indistinct muttering... nothing all that serious in my book, had mentioned it to my T and she wasn't concerned. Well the crisis team guy asked how long it had been happening (since early teens) and then started going on about mild anti-psychotic medication... which kind of put me in the 'oh ****, me and my big mouth' frame of mind

I was just being honest but meh... stupid.

And yeah, I'm glad I'm back home... I really didn't want to not be, wife was in a panic and by the time I was there, all the anxiety was burnt out of me... was just bone tired and wanted to sleep.

Hi TJ, if he's right what he might actually be saying is that you have the occasional psychotic symptom not that you're actually "full on psychotic" or that your (some of your?) other problems are actually based on psychosis either.
Although you know a lot of what you hear about psychosis out there can be based on misconceptions (and ignorance) anyway. Just the same as with depression or mental health issues in general!!
And anti-psychotic medication can even be prescribed when there's no psychosis anyway, as a different approach to help with other things. I'm not fully up to speed on everything they can help with but I know they can definitely help with anxiety. And perhaps as your current medication isn't helping that much.............
But whatever the story, don't over-worry about it as long as you're getting the medication, information and help that you need. And of course we're still here to support you!!
You're still cool!!!
Alison

P.S Don't be afraid to ask them questions or raise concerns with them either!! If something they're saying is unclear or concerning you just say!!

Were this to happen to me - people treating certain phenomena as much more than they are, I could tell the doctors I regard the "problem" as innocuous and believe treating it with medications would only interfere with or distract from more important issues. My docs would almost certainly honour my assessment.

I hope your system respects you.

Regarding your handling the home situation: You're a wonderful person, ToeJam.

I hope too that the system respects you as you so much deserve!


Fuzzy

I don't know if this helps at all, TJ, but I have no psychotic symptoms but have been on antipsychotics for my depression and anxiety in the past. They were using them off-label in an attempt to find a drug, any drug, to help. I had been on just about everything else. The side effects were negligible.

That said, I agree with others that if you don't feel you need a certain medication, you should speak up. I know that can be hard, especially when you are feeling so bad, but in the end, no one wants to be on medicine they think they don't need.

Not sure which part you are referring too.... kind of you to say. I'll be honest that I can't see it myself (not wishing to downplay it or be rude)... trying to do what I think is right whilst at the same time sabotaging... bit of a mess

I'm going to play it by ear. I'll express what I think clearly, outline what my actual experiences are... and just be honest. I don't believe on the basis of what I present it will warrant what the crisis team guy said... but I'm prepared to be open minded and listen to what the psychiatrist thinks.

Spoke to my wife about it tonight and she would rather I at least do that... she knows that I have a stubborn streak and that deep down I'm fiercely independent... that I don't like being told what to do... but that she's worried and that it took a lot to ask for help, so... I should try to accept it.

Sorry for the separate message in quick succession, but needed to set it apart.

Feeling pretty awful tonight but too tired and too empty to do anything which I suppose is a good thing.

Feeling full of self hate and loathing. Glad that I'm finally getting help but hating the fact that I am too... I feel guilty about it, that I don't deserve it... and even worse that it won't last... that it will be taken away.

I want to die but I'm making excuses not too... I don't have the balls and feeling even more miserable for it.

Sorry.... just... yeah.

pretty damn pathetic.

((((((TJ))))))

Hope it goes ok with the crisis team today! you definitely deserve the help, don't listen to thoughts that tell you otherwise!

Hi TJ, hoping today is a bit better (??), and good you're getting the extra help!!! You DEFINITELY deserve it!!!!
And you already know what I think about the thoughts of self hate and loathing!!!
Still, here for you whatever...............
Alison

Kind of weird to say it went well... but yeah, it put my mind at rest a bit. Was difficult yesterday, the guy that came had a tricky accent that I couldn't place (other than British) and I had a lot of trouble understanding him... which as I was finding it hard to concentrate anyway... was frustrating and my anxiety was rising. Not his fault, and I wasn't rude or anything... just felt miserable afterwards as the communication barrier didn't help matters.

Today it was a different guy... huge in a body builder kind of way and I felt dwarfed (I'm 6 foot and reasonably fit considering.... but yeah this guy was big)... slightly registered concern in my head... but then realised I was pretty much beyond caring, so just sat.

Wants me to see their psychiatrist as soon as possible, that once I've been to work tomorrow and I know where the land lies with regards to reduced hours sooner rather than later... or that I can book time off, to let whoever comes to see me tomorrow know so they can get a slot for me.

Advised that I should also proceed with booking an appointment with the psychiatrist my gp has referred me to... that as the crisis team is a short term thing, I will need to see that psychiatrist for continuity and to review my medication.

He wants me to call the crisis team at any point I'm struggling... and that I only have to say I'm struggling if I'm uncomfortable... asked me if I was ok with that.

I just nodded... I do sort of have a problem... that whenever I've called anyone it's been due to anxiety... suicidal thoughts/intention and self harm however are very private at the point they happen (and oddly I'm quite calm and just feeling nothing when they happen) and things that I only see myself as dealing with. Way I see it is a case of I will or I won't (and thus far it's been the latter obviously re dieing)... but to call to me feels stupid... it feels like by telling someone... then I clearly wasn't serious... and therefore wasting their time.... felt like crap as that's pretty much what occurred Friday night... and suddenly an ambulance was at my door I guess I didn't quite twig to the impression I was giving to the woman at focussline, but she made a decision and yeah.

This seems totally logical to me.... my wife disagrees Not sure if any here understands where I'm coming from.

I can talk quite plainly to people (here and to my wife, gp etc) about it post event... but during, I just don't talk to anyone.

Oh he seemed surprised that not once have I been referred to the community mental health team for outpatient care. Told him about my basic experiences up to this point (similar to Originalme) and that as such my gp has gone the go it alone route as he'd tried referrals to the crisis team previously and had been knocked back. He looked slightly bemused but I don't think he said anything else on that front.