[Whoaminoone]

Yet another night of insomnia.... I am so exhausted, but my mind just won't shut off. All these disconnected thoughts just bouncing around. All these worries. This constant battle in my mind that never seems to cease. Years of "what if's" and desperately wishing I could somehow go back in time and make different decisions (as though if I wish long enough or hard enough it will happen...). Constant suicidal ideation. Loneliness...and yet wanting to be alone. My feeling are so contradictory they confuse even me. I'm so tired all the time. I have no energy and barely function through the days. I'm so tired of this life. I've been stuck in this pattern for so long that I don't see any 'light at the end of the tunnel'. When I think I can't sink any lower it seems the abyss somehow pulls me in even further.

[pisces22]

I can relate to this a lot. Everything except the suicidal thoughts. I would probably stay up all night, thinking and thinking and thinking if it wasn't for my sleeping pills. Right now, I'm just kinda numb to everything.

I hope you feel better soon. Are you seeing a therapist or doctor?

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[Whoaminoone]

No, I'm not currently seeing a doctor or therapist. I don't know that it would make much difference if I were. Sometimes I wonder if it would help at least a little, but I don't have the finances to see anyone.

[pisces22]

Originally Posted by Whoaminoone

No, I'm not currently seeing a doctor or therapist. I don't know that it would make much difference if I were. Sometimes I wonder if it would help at least a little, but I don't have the finances to see anyone.

I don't have a job and my parents can barely pay bills but we applied for a low income medical assistance program (Medi-cal) but without it I don't know what would be of us. Have you ever applied for any help like that?

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[Whoaminoone]

I have private insurance, but there's a $100 co-pay per session that I can't afford. I'm currently unemployed, and my husband refuses to pay it for me because he is one that has the mind set "if I can't see it...it doesn't exist". He refuses to acknowledge my depression and anxiety are illnesses and tells me I'm just being dramatic and need to 'suck it up'. After my last failed suicide attempt he said I was just trying to get attention or I would have succeeded. He has no sympathy whatsoever...which just adds to my depression.

[pisces22]

I'm sorry your husband isn't very supportive. Well keep posting here and you know you're not alone. I understand what you're going through. Hugs!

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[BlueMoonBlueEarth]

Last night I laid awake in bed, thinking I would never get to sleep because I felt so miserable about the past and what I did to get myself in this mess. I've had many of such nights and it isn't fun at all. I've struggled through today but thankfully was distracted for a while by a bike ride with my mum. I wish the pain would end. I wish I could just wake up one morning and it would all be over. But the truth is, that doesn't ever happen. There's no magic pill to cure depression.

I can also relate to your feelings of loneliness and yet wanting to be alone. Depression does that to the mind. I'm sorry that your husband doesn't understand your feelings of unhappiness. The stigma around mental illness is everywhere, and it's a real shame. The good news is that this website is full of caring and supportive people; you can post about your pain without fear of being judged. I agree with pisces22 that a doctor/therapist may really help you fight against depression. Good luck.

Whoaminoone, I have severe depression and have been struggling with very poor sleep because of it lately. In fact, last night I only slept from about 9:30p.m. - 2 a.m. and then could not fall back asleep. I have dark circles under my eyes today that look terrible. I would give anything for a good night's sleep of at least 7 hours or so. Also, while I don't have suicidal ideation, I'm very lonely as I don't work right now and am too depressed to go out and do things. Just know that you're not alone.

[Altered Moment]

I am so very sorry your husband is so unsupportive. That is really tough and seems to be what is preventing you from getting the help you need. I wish he would read this section for a week. We are not weak, quite the opposite in fact, nor are we making this stuff up. It truly is not our fault.

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[Bigmike727]

Hi, it's saddening that some people even still today do not recognize mental illnesses as "illnesses". If you have insomnia I would really recommend a low dose of Seroquel, I was on it for a short time and it really made me sleep alot. Anyways, I wish you the best.