An emptiness that won't fade....

Since I was 16, I've always had these moments where I just feel empty and hopeless. I turned to self-harm in an attempt to feel something. Over the years, I became addicted to the pain and lost what I thought was a good relationship because the guy thought I was too messed up. It was hard to explain to him or anyone that I hurt myself not because I wanted to feel something but because I like how it feels. I knew this wasn't right and I tried to talk to someone but all I got was "instead of harming yourself, why don't you try to occupy yourself with activities so you don't think about your feelings." I'm finally in a healthy stable relationship but I still can't bring myself to talk to him about the emptiness that I feel. Lately, it's gotten worst and I'd cry myself to sleep hoping it'll go away. I don't know how to deal with this....

hi my.lacerated.heart
I am sorry to hear you are struggling with such deep lonliness. I don't have an answer for you as I am used to being lonely. I just don't focus on it. perhaps a good therapist could help you cope with these feelings. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

I understand. I get all the time people telling me "if you just smile that will fix everything" If only life were really, that simple and its not like we all don't wear our "smile masks" a lot of the time. I just started PC but having this to express those feelings I am hoping will help. I cry myself to sleep most nights and the nightmares cause me to wake crying. I don't know how long you have been with this person, but take it day by day, and when you feel comfortable to tell them, then you do.

Hi LynneH, thanks for your reply. I've been with him for almost 7 years now. I've always been a pretty closed off person and he's been great so far with understanding that even though I know he's frustrated as to why I can't talk to him despite us being together for so long. I'm sorry to hear that you have nightmares that cause you to wake up crying. There was a period of time where I went through the same, I'm not sure what happened but eventually they went away. I hope they go away for you too, no one should have to go through that.

Hi my.lacerated.heart,
Re this: "It was hard to explain to him or anyone that I hurt myself not because I wanted to feel something but because......." I'd say you've explained it very clearly here although sometimes people either don't or don't want to get it. Sometimes a little more explanation can help.......sometimes people need a little time to come to understand/accept.........sometimes you need to look for people who are more understanding/supportive.
Still if the relationship you were in ended because he felt you were too messed up, then it clearly wasn't the kind of relationship you needed in your life. And really good you moved on from that.
Sometimes activities/distractions can help, but not if that means all you're doing is trying to ignore/"bottling up" your feelings. Then either the activity isn't going to be that helpful, or your feelings are just going to build up and up and up inside of you...........whether they're emptiness....hopelessness......despair........pain.......Often, as you know, it can take a lot more than an activity.
But the relationship you're in now sounds pretty strong.....and if you've been together for seven years...........do you think you could maybe start to tell him bits of what you're going through?? Just bits?? All at your own pace?? And maybe some things he could do to help?? Or even just give him a chance to be there for you, in the most "comfortable" way for you??
Alison

Hello dear ''my.lacerated.heart. First of all I'd very much like to offer you a big warm WELCOME to Psych Central and all the good things it has for you to discover!! There are many forums and threads to check out as it may be that there's more than one forum that applies to you and your situation. Also this is a safe place to make friends!! As regards to your awful feelings of emptiness etc, what's your age group? And have you a Dr. or Psych Dr you could talk to concerning your problems?? I feel exactly as you do but I've been diagnosed. However for 33 years I wasn't diagnosed and that's the reason why I asked your age group. Anyways, take care for now. HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXX