[Onward2wards]

I think we've had threads like this before, I always find them insightful and useful.

Here's my exhaustive list:

* Wistfully rehashing old losses in your mind
* Expecting old losses to recur
* Deep fear of change
* If you can't imagine it, it doesn't exist - and you can't imagine positive outcomes, therefore better days don't exist (total loss of optimism bias)
* Obsessively dwelling on things associated with negative emotional states - especially grief, anger, fear and helplessness
* Avoidance behaviors (procrastination, withdrawal), cocooning, mindlessly looking for easy things to control and yet not experiencing satisfaction from this
* When you try to distract yourself and re-engage in goal-oriented, pleasure-seeking behavior there is a LOT of learned helplessness thinking, logical-seeming expectations of disappointment and failure, pessimistic explanatory style "I've failed, it's all my fault, this ruins everything, and it will not ever change" (setbacks seen as personal, pervasive and permanent)
* Easily stressed out
* Rumination (endless thinking without coming to conclusions)
* Randomly switching from faint hope and frantic efforts to take action on it, to emotional numbness
* Attempts to make positive change regardless of low mood causes anxiety
* Feeling like you are moving endlessly through the "stages of grief" but with no closure at all
* Things you normally enjoy are still interesting and can make you feel better, but you don't expect them to go anywhere, therefore why bother with them (fatalism/powerlessness)

The odd thing is, now I'm more aware of how I think and act in a depressed state of mind, the more I can deliberately disrupt it.

How do your experiences compare?

[BlueMoonBlueEarth]

* Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred
* Obsessive thinking about the past and the horrible things I've said or done, even thought
* Anxiety that something bad is going to happen
* Things that used to bring me pleasure now become a source of distraction from my own mind
* Worrying that I am a terrible person because of my past
* Constant pessimistic thinking
* Waking up very early in the morning (around 4:00 AM) and not being able to get back to sleep, though medication has helped with this
* Anxiety around other people, speaking more quietly than before
* Worrying that I will never get better

I could go on and on if my mind didn't feel so blank.

[Altered Moment]

Mostly physical these days in a way.

* A total lack of energy
* A total lack of motivation
* Just want to sleep all the time
* Extreme Avoidance behaviour and sleeping is one. (although this has gotten much better. Paper work and bills I take care of but this is only recent)
* Lack of interest in anything at all
* Ruminating non stop on depression anxiety, the causes, and cures
* Drawn to these forums where I feel it is the only place in the world besides a few friends who truly understand.
* Total emotional numbness
* Can't think of anything to say and it takes to much energy to say it if I can think of something
* New to the scene is anxiety mixed in with it. Paranoia, a sense of impending doom
* Of course suicidal ideation and sometimes a plan
* Not showering for days on end
* Feeling I am a total burden to everyone yet I want to talk about it to people who don't understand. I have found that this is not a good strategy.
* It's funny but I will still have a faint sense of the real optimistic me in there somewhere when the paranoia hasn't taken over.
* A sense it will never end. I have the same sense when feeling good, that it will never end.
* Avoid all human contact if possible. I make my appointments however.
* Loss of all hope that things can get better but I keep trying the best i can so there much be some hope there.
* Self loathing that comes not from a lack of self esteem but the shame of being depressed and a burden. normally I have good self esteem after many years of work on it.

I also could go on and on but that is enough.
Also it has gotten to the point through I believe a lot of self awareness that I can actually feel that lack of activity in my brain. I can sense the parts that have shut down but I cannot activate them.

[Davyblues]

The World looks cold and grey the news is trying to depress you further to help spiral you further downward the songs all sing lyrics of despair and gloom the eye tics can be seen the sweaty palms the weekends feel lonely and every day is a Monday morning hangover.
Driving with no music trying to hammer litres of red bull to perk you up for work.
Yesterday's friends are texting because they want to hear you are struggling their texts are irregular and cheeky they want to check what you are doing when you just want to curl up turn your phone off and wait for the high to return.
Buy stuff on amazon again and get so hyper you text everyone you know to say that you have actually discovered a new food or herb that will change their whole life and you bought them a useless gadget they will hate but you think you feel is the biggest thing they have ever required :-) jump dance shout and get back up from the cold dark grey world :-)


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[Davyblues]

Every high you think what was the issue yesterday but every low you don't ever think you are going to get out even after a thousand lows it's the hardest part the end is near it always is and we can't ever know it will get better hence why meds keep us away from that dangerous low place.
The highs get lower too unfortunately but that is all called stability or normality so a low cancelled and a high cancelled ain't the worst place to be

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[TheOriginalMe]

Sleep - too much, too little, all at the wrong times
Food - too much, too little, all at the wrong times
Hygiene - too much, too little, all at the wrong times
Fear of abandonment
Paranoia - did my Dad try to kill me when I was a baby?
Dissecting old hurts - re-living doomed love affairs
Dwelling on the one point in time that I could return to and "reset" my life
Inability to concentrate
Talking less or not at all
Ignoring or hating people for being happy
Not making eye contact
Hair twisting (used to be pulling but I got over that one)
Self Injury (too much effort right now)
Suicidal thoughts / actions (too much effort right now)
Retreating to my fantasy world (too much effort right now)
Expecting the worst
Loss of hope
Sense of impending doom
Staying at home, in my room
Anger, frustration - too much effort right now
Anhedonia
Belief that I am dead and in hell
Worthlessness
Guilt
THAT voice in my head that won't shut up, it tells me that I deserve this, I have no choice other than to suck it up because this is for eternity, it can't and won't get better.
Fatigue
Pain - just about everywhere / everything hurts
A sensation of suffocation and crushing
Extreme loneliness and fear of loneliness

I too could go on - too much effort right now. I think I need to print out this list to show my doctor though, so this thread has been helpful to me, thank you.

Also it is reassuring to know that it isn't just me, other people have unusual symptoms too.

My friends and family can irritate me. It does not take too much for them to do that.

Feeling of dread when waking up.

Fantasizing about being in a hospital with a terminal illness. Also hearing a doctor tell me bad news.

Can't imagine anything good happening to me, especially meeting and being in love with someone that I had always wanted.

Hearing about something bad that happened to someone.

Feelings of not being very well liked by others. When I'm with a crowd it seems like a clique and I'm an outsider.

Fear of becoming homeless.

Feeling like no one likes me at my condo complex and having to put up with other people.

Feeling inadequate or others had done much better than I have.

I GUESS THAT'S IT

[The_little_didgee]

Overwhelming feelings of guilt and sadness
Hypersomnia
Lassitude
Lack of appetite
Psychomotor agitation - can be severe and last for days
Nightmares
Hygiene neglect
Extreme withdrawal
Obsessions with death and dying
Anxiety
Hallucinations and sometimes delusions
Hypochondria - intestinal parasites and cancer
Crying - especially in the early stages of the illness
Anhedonia
Suicidal ideation - this is rare