40 today

As you might have guessed by the title I am turning 40 today. I'm not real happy about it. I got up today with one thought on my mind, this is NOT how I pictured my life at 40. Out of work, hurt, and depressed. My job let me go a few weeks ago due to me not being able to preform the duties of the job anymore. I kind of always knew it was coming but it sucks nevertheless. Spent most of the night last night up with my wife, she suffers from awful cluster Migraines. No health insurance anymore I cant even take her to the doctor. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know there are people out there in far worse shape than I am. I just feel like I can never keep my head above water for to long. Like I'm drowning. Just when I think its over, my head pops back up. I'm getting tired, sometimes I just want to quit trying. I love my wife and kids, I used to have so much pride in the fact that I was such a good provider. Now most of the time its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Feeling so lost anymore. My meds cost so freakin much. One that I take without the discount card that still good for one more time is 900 a mth. How do people without health insurance get buy. I tried to apply for Medicaid but, at 1400 a mth that my wife makes we make to much. Don't understand that. Anyway I guess I'm just venting. Thank you for letting me.

Happy Birthday. No wonder you are feeling bad. You see your wife suffer so much and you cant bring her to the doctor, that's very tough. I am sorry I have no words of wisdom only to say that you have a close family unit and that means a whole lot.
Best wishes

[quote=ClemFan;3817170]As you might have guessed by the title I am turning 40 today. I'm not real happy about it. I got up today with one thought on my mind, this is NOT how I pictured my life at 40. Out of work, hurt, and depressed. My job let me go a few weeks ago due to me not being able to preform the duties of the job anymore. I kind of always knew it was coming but it sucks nevertheless. Spent most of the night last night up with my wife, she suffers from awful cluster Migraines. No health insurance anymore I cant even take her to the doctor. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know there are people out there in far worse shape than I am. I just feel like I can never keep my head above water for to long. Like I'm drowning. Just when I think its over, my head pops back up. I'm getting tired, sometimes I just want to quit trying. I love my wife and kids, I used to have so much pride in the fact that I was such a good provider. Now most of the time its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Feeling so lost anymore. My meds cost so freakin much. One that I take without the discount card that still good for one more time is 900 a mth. How do people without health insurance get buy. I tried to apply for Medicaid but, at 1400 a mth that my wife makes we make to much. Don't understand that. Anyway I guess I'm just venting. Thank you for letting me.[/quote

Well, I won't say: "Happy Birthday", ClemFan. Reaching one's 40th birthday tends to be kind-of a shock anyway... suddenly you're: "Over-the-hill"! But with the circumstances you describe, it must be doubly difficult. Is there any assistance available to you to find new employment that you could do? Where I live, a person who lost his/her job would at least be eligible for various types of benefits, depending on the situation. But, if you live in the south, I have the impression, things are different there & assistance is harder to come by. And, as you point out, it's certainly possible to be seriously poor & still ineligible for Medicaid.

I do hope that you are able to find your way out of your present dilemma. And don't feel badly for venting. One of the reasons all of us PC'ers are here is to read each other's vents & provide what little bit of support we can. My best wishes to you.

I am wishing you Happy Birthday....

Happy birthday!
Mine too. Couple years ahead of you.

punky

Happy birthday nonetheless...perhaps thing will turn around for you. Good that you and your wife have each other...

Hi ClemFan I am sorry to hear about your struggles. I agree, healthcare is outrageously priced and it should be criminal how much companies charge for services and medication. I feel I can relate to the turning 40 thing. I turned 40 in November and am feeling that I am not at all where I thought I would be. I suppose that is life and something we all struggle with but it is easier to deal with some days than others. I especially would like a family and am nowhere near that happening.

I also hate mornings too. One thing that helps me get through a rough time is movement. Walking, getting outside, doing yoga. It seems to shift my energy and mood at least for the short term. I'm sure you have tried this but just wanted to mention it to you. Hang in there.

Clem,

I will be 32 in about two months, and I think I've been feeling this way for the past 7 years -- that I should be somewhere else, someone else, have made more progress, etc.

I am not in your shoes and I am not responsible for other people. But, I recently lost my job, and another relationship. On top of that, my "bad" knee is acting up which keeps me from running and mountaineering (two things which keep me sane). If it weren't for unemployment insurance and generous parents, I might be living out of my car right now.

I just want you to know, that I am here with you as much as I can be. I know you have others depending on you, and I am SURE they love you beyond what you can conceive (even with your current monumental struggles).

Violet, Clem,

Have either of you read Meriwhether Lewis' personal diaries? I know, seemingly strange thing to bring up now. But, it's almost certain he was depressive/manic-depressive and committed suicide. In one of his diary entries made in his early 30's he talks about how he thinks he has done very little with his life and regrets it. When I read this diary entry in one of Kay Redfield Jamison's books, it floored me. This was written by a man that explored half a continent, more or less -- yet still thought these things about his life being a disappointment.

It was at that point that I realized there was something bigger than my life circumstances making me feel the way I was feeling. In fact, as my therapist pointed out, it is very common for those suffering from depression to think in very similar ways. It just completely floored me that someone separated from me by hundreds of years, and seemingly so accomplished, could feel the same way about his life as I do about mine. It helps me to remind myself when I feel this way that it's my "depressive biology talking" and the crappy life circumstances are something to be addressed separately.

That is a huge blow. The male instinct to be provider is very strong.

I started out climbing the ladder to success, getting married, having a baby, etc. since then it has been a roller coaster. Mostly barely keeping my head above water. Sometimes being in pretty good shape financially and sometimes drowning. I am about to turn 50 this month and it is at it's worst. No I didn't envisage at all my life being this way. I can tell you without a doubt that depression was the determining factor.

I was also shocked when I found out Meriwhether Lewis was a depressive, committed suicide, and viewed himself a failure after all he did.

Maybe the lesson for us is to give ourselves credit for what we have accomplished and overcome and not blame ourselves for what depression has robbed us of.

I know that doesn't change your current circumstances.

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