Feeling Like Garbage.

Yes, I feel as if I am one heaping pile of trash. I'm sitting here alone at my house pondering such questions as "Why am I here?" and "What good is me being here?". The thought of being a very unattactive guy with the smarts of a goldfish leads me to believe that I am destined to be alone unless I settle for a girl who is just out for my money (Of which I have none as well I am poor). I feel so lonely these days and I am yearning for physical contact with other human beings and the soft touch of a girl I am in love with. Is wanting a hug too much to ask? I just want to be loved and cared for by someone. These feelings on being alone are sumed up in a song by Blink 182 called "Story Of A Lonely Guy" if your interested you'll have no problem finding it to download. It hurts so much so that to take the pain of life away I have resorted to cutting. Although recently I devised a plan so that I wouldn't be cutting. I think it's less harmful to my body. So what I do now instead of that is punch my arms (They generally bruise badly) and that way I avoid nerve damage... I think. I wish there was another way so that I didn't feel motivated to harm myself but I haven't found it. This past week I almost went and commited myself to the hospital. I'm not sure why though because I hate hospitals and they try to put you on all kinds of drugs that mess you up. To answer people's questions out there I am not seeking any professional help at the present time. If I wanted to waste my time talking would waste it on a friend. Thoughts of suicide flood my mind constantly and it's bearble sometimes but others I just want to scream in agony. I have dreams about killing myself and when I wake up I realize that it was all a dream and I had failed, I couldn't do it in real life like I did in the dreams. The disapointment of realizing that I have to still live out that day is incredibly saddening. It's time to die. Kill me please God.

hi dude. i am also quite alone and have been bad lately missing the contact of even friends.

i would like you to think about at least giving treatment a chance. not all docs throw too many drugs at the problem. if your depression is caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals then medication may be the only way to treat it. they don't have to be meds that mess you up. a good doc will try meds slowly, see what works, maybe stop one and try another after a while if necessary, and may give combinations of drugs if a certain combination works well for you (i am on two antidepressents now but it was carefully considered so that they complement each other with the trouble i was having, and we only make changes to one at a time.

also therapy is not just talking. talking is good, very good, and you can do that here and i hope you will continue to do so. but a trained therapist who works well with you that you trust (and that isn't always the first one you try) can not only help you understand you feelings but give you positive ways of coping with them based on his training and knowledge and experience.

you have to look at it this way. if it is a chemical imbalance, medication can help that. it corrects the excess or underage of the chemicals that the brain normally uses to control your mood. but the meds do not make you feel better, they are not "pick me ups" or "happy pills" and a lot of people are afraid of that. some people do have experiences where they feel "different" but there are lots of different meds available so there is a good chance of finding one that is effective with your depression but doesn' t have side effects that bother you.

but since the meds only correct the imbalance, you still have to work yourself on climbing out of the depression. depression is a natural state of life, of course for most people it is only temporary. the chemical imbalance can be one reason that a clinically depressed person cannot climb out of that hole no matter what they do. the meds fix the imbalance so now you have a rope that will enable you to get out. in order to get out and stay healthy (because depression is something that is with you all of your life, but you can avoid the symptoms... just like a person with diabetes has the disease all their life, but they can control it) so the key to not falling deep in that hole again, and getting out in the first place, is to learn to change your lifestyle, change your behaviours, change your reaction to things, learn the things that may trigger your depression, and these things are what a therapist does. group therapy can be good too.

As for going to the hospital please keep that as an option if you ever feel you really need it. if you are in danger it is better to be in the hospital than alone and in danger. there are also hotline numbers you can call... they can get you into a hospital if you want to or they can just talk to you for a while. most of them won't force you to do anything, but if they feel you are in real trouble they will urge you to call a doctor or go to the er. i was in the hospital for a week 5 or 6 months ago. i was going to commit suicide but i changed my mind. i made a decision to live and to try to get out of this. they put me on prozac in the hospital but didn't "load me up" with drugs. i had group therapy programs all day long which were very beneficial, and i actually made good friends there for support. the main point of keeping me in was to watch the new medication, see how i reacted to it and make sure i was stable on it before they released me. the med doesn't take effect that fast but they can make sure it doesn't have side effects that bother you, mostly they want to be sure you will keep taking it when you are released. then i went into a daily program where i went 5 days a week for group therapy. some people get more than this some get less. but it continued the benefit of therapy and let me go home and sleep in the comfort of my own bed.

inthe group therapy part of the time was talking and even that is beneficial. you can learn a lot from others in the same boat and just being in a supportive group and being able to help others makes you feel better. the difference with that and just a peer group is that there is a therapist involved and he can steer the conversation to productive topics and point out things that people have in common or that might be good or bad habits that we wouldn't notice on our own. The other part of the session was educational, where we learned about the illness. how it effects us, effects our judgement, what to expect from the meds and what not to expect, things we can do to cope during bad times etc.

It is worth a try if you can do it. the thing is if you feel so badly, staying home on your own is not going to make it get any better, just worse. especially if there is a chemical thing going on. If you had diabetes you would go to a doctor and have it treated, and you would stay on that treatment if you wanted to stay healthy, you should try to look at this the same way.

good luck and i hope you can make it through this and that things will get better for you.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Hey, Dude. Sounds like you're pondering the same things that all of us with depression have pondered many times. No, you're not a heap of garbage and you definitely have a purpose here. There is also a purpose for what you are going through. You are in the cocoon stage. When you have learned all you need to learn about this illness, when you've overcome some obstacles, when the seeds of courage and strength have emerged and grown, your "butterfly" will emerge in all it's glory. For now, know that Depression is a LIAR. It makes you believe the worst of yourself and skewes your perception about almost everything. Hang in there. You're accepted and understood here.

Take care of YOU.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>