I'm not needed by anyone

For my entire life, as long as I can remember, I've always tried to offer my friendship to others, to form a trusting relationship with them. As part of this, I've always offered, in very difficult circumstances they might be going through, my help day or night, I tell them I'm just a phone call away. Up to this point, nobody has ever needed to depend on me as there have been no real maladies that I know of. But, recently, a very good (or what I thought was a very good) friend of mine received some bad news from her gynaecologist. However, she refuses to tell me what had happened, and shuts me out completely. I've told her thousands of times that I'm there for her always, we were even in a bit of a romantic relationship at one point, but we just became friends, as it was deemed a better arrangement. Now that I want to be there for her in her time of turmoil, she no longer regards me as close enough to tell, or she can't trust me enough. And it's not that it's females-only stuff, we had the type of friendship where we were always brutally honest with each other, I mean she never used to mind grossing me out with the details of the "symptoms". We had that sort of relationship, totally open. But now she clams shut. I know it's serious, because she went to the doctor and she was crying when I asked her how it went. I told her again that I was there for her, she didn't answer, just said she can't talk to me. I now realise our friendship never meant anything, she now needs her "real" friends I suppose, the pretence is now over. And, it's like this with all the people I've attempted to form a close bond with, and it's not just a shallow thing about girls (a sexual thing) I mean real friendships, with other guys too. People just show me they never need me or my help, and would rather turn to other people for support. My friendships with them never meant anything. The words were there, "Yes, definitely, I'll keep that in mind, thanks, you're a good friend", but it was never meant. I mean, what's the point then, right? Why even bother, nobody wants me or my help, they just wish I'll leave them alone. Maybe it's better if I just never existed at all, since I mean nothing to anybody anyway. I'm just a worthless, unreliable excuse for a friend.

Most days of my life, I feel exactly how you feel--not thought of or needed. None of my "friends" share their important milestones or troubles with me. I usually hear about them long after they've happened . . . or perhaps never at all. In this case, however, as an outsider looking in, I'll say, give her time to come to terms with whatever the issue is. I have a friend who didn't tell me about her major illness until 2-3 months after she got her diagnosis. I was hurt, but then I understood her reasoning and looked past my hurt to try to support her through it.

Anyhoos big hugs for you. I totally know how you feel.

Give your friend a bit of time to process the news she has received, it is probably nothing personal, just that she needs space.

Thanks for that . I guess I'm being somewhat hypocritical, I mean it's not like I tell others about the fact that I have depression and I'm diagnosed with ASD, but I expect them to tell me stuff. It's just that I don't care about my own stuff, I would rather want to help someone else with their problems. But, I think you're right, maybe she's a lot like me and likes to hide her problems too, it's just that I would have never pictured it like that, since we were always so open with each other. Before she went to the doctor, I actually went to visit her, and I was going to tell her about all the stuff that's been going on in my life the next day, after her appointment.

OK, the thing is, I realize in this instance it's different and she needs to be alone probably, but all the times in the past people have withheld stuff from me that were not traumatic or anything like that. People won't even tell me the good stuff either.

I think you hit the nail on the head there. Being open with others inspires openess in return, being closed means that others will "respect" your privacy even in a close friendship. Try being a little bit more open about yourself in a small way (nothing too heavy right now for obvious reasons) something that might distract her from her own problems. Maybe that way she'll relax and feel closer to you so that she will want to share a bit more with you too.

Hi StbGuy and Maria38Divine. This response is to you both. Oh YES, I sure understand what you mean when you say you feel nobody value's you, or even cares about you for that matter. That is very sad and I'm sorry you fee4l like that. Well, right from the start, I can assure you that I CARE, and a def value you and your input to PC. In fact I'm going to you pages after this to check out you're ''about me's''. Maybe we have things in common and could be friends, if we haven't then we still could be friends. I have no idea why the people in you're lives have let you down so badly, some people are like that and we can't change them (that's their loss!) Anyways, it's very late here in London,UK so I'll be back tommrow, HUGS and LOVES. XXXXXXXXXX

Thanks, guys, for caring . I appreciate it. I know it seems very selfish of me for her to want to talk to me, but this scenario just got me thinking. This time with her, the situation is now very different, and obviously she needs a lot of time because it's bad news. But, the situation triggered me to think about past experiences though, to the past where people seemed to cut me out of their lives at will. I tried to offer as much friendship as possible, but I guess with me having an ASD, the attention I give is just weird and people would rather avoid it than receive it.

Thanks, waggiedog, I appreciate the offer .

Dearest StbGuy

I agree with TheOriginalMe, as much as you become open with the person in front of you, as much as he'll become open with you, without you even offering help.

I'm very used to speaking with people very openly (even to a naive degree) & tell them all about me & my problems as if they've been my best friends since forever Of course, this causes me some really big problems sometimes. But what I'm telling you is that a person will talk to you openly as much as you do it with them. If somebody asks me whether I need help & tries to comfort me, I'd just keep silent & refuse to talk, but if somebody sits besides me & recites some of his problems & grievances to me, I'd definitely talk back with him & tell him my common problems as well

I've had days and even phases I went through feeling this way. The only reason it changed is because friends and some family talk to me like I'm there therapist since that's what I'm studying for in school. I kindly remind them I'm not and I can only be their friend.
But before I was really on the right track for this career I was in this same situation. I am someone who genuinely wants to support, help, and be there for those who need it. They don't even have to be a friend! I just love helping. There are times I have nobody at all and wish I did...I would give anything to have someone be there for me. I hate that feeling and I don't want anyone else to feel that way if I can help it.

I'm sorry you feel that way with your friends. Have you talked to any of them about this? Could it be you make yourself too available? There is such a thing as having a Codependent personality where you tend to be a caregiver and want to take care of people, help out, and make things better. If you're not doing that, you feel useless because there is not enough meaning or other purpose to live for.
Have you tried looking into volunteer work? That may help. I recently looked into an organization working to advocate for foster children because I realized I lacked purpose in my life currently.

Thank you all . It does help when I tutor a class of younger students at university, but that does not last very long and I don't really have the qualifications to tutor other classes. That I admit, I enjoy very much. I don't know, it just seems that it only works when I take a leadership/teacher/advice-giver role. I fail to form personal, equal relationships with people, or intimate relationships too.

When I have a problem, I like to share, but I don't really want someone to give me advice. I'm sure you've heard that women want someone to listen, and men try to fix things. I wonder if that might be part of the hesitation.

I also agree with the above posts that she may not be able to talk yet with anybody and that you have to be open and vulnerable to get open and vulnerable.

Last thought... Your signature says "many addictions." I don't know what kind of addictions or if you're in recovery from them, but I shy away from sharing with my addict friends (I can share why if you're interested.)

(((((Stbguy)))))

That'll be great, thanks, you can PM me if it'll be better for you. Thing is, I am quite a good listener, it's a uncharacteristic trait in a man I know, but I can do it. Many people have unloaded to me in the past, but it's like then they are embarrassed or something and turn away from me again. I sometimes feel like a stepping stone rather than a helper.

Thanks very much, many hugs for the pain .