Falling Farther

Didn't want to get out of bed today, but I have to because I have my son and cats to take care of and I visit my parents nearly everyday. I'm starting to find it difficult to take care of the house and know I'm falling into a depression - or falling farther into one actually. I lost everything in a fire 6 months ago - my 10 precious cats, home, all belongings - and I've been dealing with bad anxiety and some panic and ptsd symptoms, but despite it, I've been trying to carry on because I have to. We're in a new house on the same spot for 2 months now but I don't feel much better. I think I'm getting tired of trying to carry on for others. I can't afford therapy because no insurance so have been trying to help myself with books and stuff on the internet. Still I'm having to deal with it myself and just have no support. It's like I'm all alone with myself, and it's wearing me out.

Hey birdpumpkin sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other. It sounds like you are doing that the past 6 months sound like they have been extremely difficult I could not imagine losing so much. Hang in there you have plenty of fight left in you. See if there any support groups around that possibly you could join. Keep talking to all of us because we do care. You may want to talk to social services in your area and see if you could get little to no cost for therapy. You are doing the right stuff just keep pushing forward.

You still have a lot of things to live for. Your parents, your child, your hubby, the new cat... You have to keep your mind in that. You are a wonderful person.

Have you looked in your area if there's any support group? You could have a look.

I send you a lot of hugs.

** HUGS of support **

Hi birdpumpkin, it sounds like you're trying to cope with a lot alongside your depression, anxiety, PTSD and have a lot adding to it. But do you think you could shift the focus from others to yourself a little more??
It is really considerate/caring of you to be thinking of meeting other peoples needs or not asking for as much support from them, but reality is you are understandably going through so much and there's only so much you can/should be taking on. No-one should fault you for needing a little more help/understanding after everything you've coped/are coping with.
Maybe your husband could help a little more (if only in small ways- even they can make a difference), or even talking to him a bit more about the way you're feeling???
Maybe your parents would understand if you weren't visiting so regularly, and you could still help in smaller ways. Even having an occasional phone call from you in replace of a visit might really mean something to them. Afterall sometimes knowing that someone is going out of their way (making a phone call) to say they care can really count as well.
And your son......is he old enough to have a few responsibilities in caring for the cats (even with your assistance for a while), you know occasionally feeding some of them?? For some children, they can really value a responsibility like that........I don't know, what do you think???
So more about yourself, hey??!! A lot more about yourself!!
But for therapy, I'm not sure if that can be accessed on a sliding scale according to your income......maybe........worth checking into???
But you're not alone!! Whatever you're feeling, thinking, going through.........we're here.........so anytime you want to talk..........

Alison

Thanks everyone. I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I live in a small rural area, so anything like support groups are really lacking unless you want to drive an hour or so away. There is one place for therapy of any kind. I do have my family to live for, and I'm trying to continue with my hobbies - even though my heart's not really in them right now. Thanks for the suggestions Alison. I do really think I need more time to focus on myself, and maybe that's some of the problem. I feel no one around me really understands what all I'm dealing with and just how hard it is sometimes. Some days I just feel I've been punched in the chest because of the pain and loss. My son is 10 and has Asperger's with some developmental delays, short term memory problems, possible ADD. He was diagnosed with it - but I'm not so sure. I think there may just be some mental impairment. He's going into 4th grade and his ability is only that of a 1st grader - again this year. No improvement at all. And I kind of get the blame for it because I did try to work with him every evening, even during summers, on reading, spelling, math, but after the fire I lost all my materials plus just didn't have the strength to deal with that. And my parents still ask, "Have you been working with him??" "Uh - not yet..." I know I need to start it back up again, but I haven't yet. I need books, some stuff off the internet... The husband gripes at me because there's dust on things or the litter box needs changed or etc. Some days I'm doing well to just get out of bed and get dressed and my teeth brushed. As far as responsibilities, my son does a few things. We have a few chickens, so he gets the eggs every morning, feeds them at night... He could probably do some other things if I thought on it a little.

Hi birdpumpkin, sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure. But about your son, well any blame coming your way for not working with him on reading, spelling etc ignore it!!!
It's so good that you were working with him in the first place, when you could. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who couldn't, so real kudos to you for that.
And if you don't have the strength right now to deal with it, well you're already having to cope with so much in your life/with the way you're feeling. Remember you need help as well as him, and when you're feeling a bit better.............
But when you're ready, yes, there is the internet which might be able to help and for when you're ready, I don't know whether some of these links might be of any help (some printable things on some of them):

http://www.do2learn.com/
Kindergarten Worksheets and Preschool Worksheets - School Sparks
Aven's Corner - Preschool Online Games and Educational Online Games

Autism Information and Learning Tools on Pinterest
TeachersFirst's Resources on Autism Spectrum Disorders and Asperger's

But perhaps your husband can help too????

I'm guessing you might feel a little isolated in caring for your son as well?? So could you catch up with any parents of children in his class/with similar difficulties e.g. for a cup of tea/coffee and a chat?? Might help sharing experiences/talking??

And really good on you for trying to keep up with your interests. I know it can't be easy, but like we said........a bit more focus on you (and your needs).

Alison

Thanks for the links Alison. Could use any online resources like that. I've been meaning to check some out, but... Before the fire we were working on some things I had printed and out of some school books he had brought home. I know I do need to get myself feeling better in order to be able to work with him - tell that to my parents, though!! To them he comes first before anything. He needs to see a doctor to be referred to an ADHD doctor as well, and they've been on my case to do that, too, but when I think about getting into all that I get really anxious. Just feels like so much at the moment. My husband won't help with him. Have tried that before. He doesn't really take a whole lot of interest in him in that way. As far as wrestling and playing on the floor or having him go along with him somewhere, okay, but he doesn't do much else with him. I don't really know many of the parents of kids in his class, but I do want to get more involved this next year. Thanks for the suggestions. I do feel so alone in so many ways.