[Whoaminoone]

So, the other day my husband is snooping through some of my paperwork and comes across records from a past psychologist of mine. He notices the diagnosis as PTSD. He laughs and says flippantly, "Obviously, he was a dumb *** because you've never been to war!" For a second I just stare at him thinking he must be * trying* to be funny...& failing miserably. Nope, not the case-- turns out he honest to God thinks a person can ONLY suffer from PTSD if they have been in the military and actively been in a war zone. After getting nowhere (but more upset) trying to explain any traumatic event can lead to PTSD, I just dropped it and agreed with him that he is absolutely right I don't have PTSD and my therapist was a quack for diagnosing it.
I also suffer from agoraphobia, which he understands even less than the PTSD. I go into public, but it's a process working myself up to it and I don't stay long. A good 50+% of the time I don't make it out of my vehicle once I make it to my destination. I end up sitting in my car in the parking lot but can't bring myself to get out without panicking. If I am with my husband it's not as bad because it's like he's this safety net between me and everyone else. Unfortunately, he finds my fear hilarious.
I get asked what keeps me with this man. He is verbally, emotionally, and (at times) physically abusive. Familiarity. I know he only makes my life more depressing and contributes VERY heavily to the negativity, but how will leave my house without him as my 'crutch' to buffer me from crowds of others? How could I get my children places (& not just drop offs) without going into full on panic attack? I don't know.....

I am just feeling especially isolated. Truth is, I haven't loved this man in a VERY long time. I'm not sure I ever really did. I can't bring myself to let go though because of my own fears. It just sucks...

[kaliope]

ever thing that he is aggravating your ptsd making you feel less safe and making the agoraphobia worse. that without him you could heal and feel safer? just a thought.....

[birdpumpkin]

Aww whoaminoone, we have very similar situations with our husbands. I'm so sorry you're going through this with him. I know how it feels. I've not been properly diagnosed with anything but am sure I am suffering ptsd after we lost everything to fire December 3rd plus am dealing with depression and anxiety because of it as well. My husband has never physically abused me, but he's very insensitive regarding my troubles, thinks it's all stupid, and also emotionally abuses me. Since the fire I'm afraid to be left alone, and yes, my husband is my safety net. During his regular work hours I'm fine. But if he's late or gets called out after hours, which can happen at anytime, and has happened yesterday and today both, I panic. My heart pounds. I get shaky. I cry. I have no idea how long he'll be gone. It could be a couple hours. It could be 7 or 8 depending on what he's dealing with. He's a water operator and fixes leaks, clogged sewers, etc., sometimes requiring heavy equipment if he has to dig under concrete or something. So when he has to leave, I don't know when he'll be back. Despite how he is toward me, it's an incredible relief for me when he returns. I also have felt the same as far as loving him. My mom talks divorce to me all the time, that they'll help me out, etc., but I really just don't see how, and after all we've been through with the fire and finally getting a new home and the problems I'm dealing with myself right now, I just don't feel I could. I don't know how I could ever make it on my own. I have no job - am just a stay-at-home mom, and we virtually have no money at all. I'd have nothing to fall back on. I just feel I'd be leaving one mess and getting into another. If you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me. Take care...

Hi. I definitely think you need to leave this guy. Not only is he physically and verbally abusive, which is bad enough, but he doesn't understand your struggles and you deserve a lot better than someone like him who's only bringing you down and possibly making you worse. I understand it can be very tempting to cling to familiarity, but I honestly believe letting him go is very crucial to you getting better. I've dealt with agoraphobia before and I've heard that medication is very helpful in treating agoraphobia, and also it's personally helped me a lot. I really hope you'll leave him and get better. I know it can be hard though, but you have the ability to do it.

Do you have any family that can help you with your children?

[Whoaminoone]

Originally Posted by kaliope

ever thing that he is aggravating your ptsd making you feel less safe and making the agoraphobia worse. that without him you could heal and feel safer? just a thought.....

Absolutely, kaliope. There is no doubt he is a trigger. T noted that in the beginning of our relationship hubby feigned caring and pushed for details of what had happened, only to later use the knowledge to set up situations mimicking what happened. My T had a lot of notes regarding hubby and how he felt it would be detrimental to both my mental and physical health to get away from him.
Even *KNOWING* all of this about the man I married...I panic more at the idea of him not being around than I do about anything he might do to me when he is around. I don't understand what makes it so hard for me to leave. I recognize what he does, but it's like something is physically holding me in place when I think about leaving--I freeze and panic. It's kind of a catch 22 situation.

I have no doubt whatsoever that either my husband will one day successfully push me over the edge and my life will end by my own hand...or he will snap and go further than he *might* have intended and my life will end by his hand.

I wish I could 'just move on'. I don't have any support system- literally no family, and no friends due to my isolation. My kids are the only other live people I am around sometimes for months at a time. I hate that I got myself into this...and even more that my kids are stuck in it with me. I just can't seem to break his hold.