[Little Jay]

Every single time I come to write down how I am feeling or coping, it comes out differently. One day, I will feel the lowest of lows and not care about myself or anything else. The next day I could be claiming to be finally moving on from the badness and to be feeling like a new me.

I always overthink everything that I say, and if I don’t write it down I give myself more chance to not be honest about how I have been feeling. Every time I am asked a question I think so deeply into the outcome or repercussions of my response that I often just say what I think people want to hear.

I’ve been so over emotional, and had mood swings like crazy – I can wake up and feel okay for a change, to a few hours later feeling flat and wondering how I could have possibly gone from feeling fine that morning to then feeling the complete opposite. The tiniest things seem to set me off crying, even stupid things that nobody would normally cry at. I just seem to be able to set off crying even if I think about something the slightest bit sad. Then if it’s something that actually is sad, my crying is hysterical. It’s like I feel so sad that I can feel it tearing apart the inside of me.

I am starting to have even less energy again and have seemed to have lost interest in everything. I try very hard, but it just seems pointless trying to force myself to be interested in participating in life when I really have just lost interest. It’s like I’m in a bubble on my own. It’s so easy to give in to it and just let it take over, but then it’s so impossible to live with.

Sometimes I feel totally empty, sometimes I feel like I’m not even myself, or a part of my body. It’s like I’m watching myself, or watching the world like I’m not really there. I’m not crazy, it’s just a feeling. I know I am there, it’s just a moment.

I haven’t thought about suicide for a while, I have moments where I think about hurting myself but I can always overcome them. It’s like I don’t even care enough to do that. Doing anything like that would just be too much effort – it’s much easier to just lay and do nothing and let the way I feel take over.

The worst times are where I feel depressed, but still have my energy as if I was happy. Then I get really agitated, can’t keep still and just feel like screaming.

I’m quite in the middle today. I am happy, but still have the low mood in the background, it’s still there. I can function pretty normally today, I think my mood is on the way down because I was really happy yesterday morning but it gradually is starting to go back down. I just feel like I’m going crazy, how can I feel like I’m completely depressed and don’t care about life one day, then a few days later I genuinely will think that it has gone. But it always comes back eventually. I’m just so sick of all of this, I just want to feel like a normal person should feel all the time, because this is just so confusing and I don’t even understand why I feel so low when I do, it’s always for no reason.

My new medication (effexor) has done nothing but make me a bit nauseous and give me headaches, I know it's only been a week though. Any medication before this hasn't worked, and if they can't get something to work in nearly 4 years, I am giving up on hope that they ever will.
I am gradually learning to live with it, to cope. I have people to turn to in the bad times, and another stay in a psych ward is what puts me off attempting anything to harm myself. I just am fed upon just getting by, I want to live properly, not just exist.

Sorry for the long post, I just am getting so fed up and miserable that I needed to vent. I can't open up to my new pdoc, I just can't connect with him in the same way. I feel like just another patient and like he isn't really bothered.

[Altered Moment]

That sounds very much like me in recent months. Totally different for me. I have always either been totally down for a long period or pretty much normal for long periods. Now I can be all over the place over a few weeks. I call it mixed states and rapid cycling but I don't know if I fit the definition.

I am on a med that is actually working good after 20 years of different meds that haven't worked so great. Fetzima. Effexor has been one of the better ones in the past.

My psychiatrist says there is a war being waged inside of me between my real self, human spirit, the meds, and my depression. Sometimes the depression wins and sometimes I win with the help of the med. Since April I have mostly been winning but it gets triggered so easily and I don't understand why or what is going on. In the long run will I win or will it???? I don't know.

Hopefully if you give the Effexor a fair chance it will put the odds in your favor. I would have never believed that Fetzima would work this good after 20 years of playing the med game.

[kjv2acts]

I played the long game, too. I went for three decades trying this med and that. Finally I was diagnosed with extreme OCD. I never mention my particular symptoms because it didn't occur to me that everyone did not feel what I felt. But it did take eight more years to get the right combo and the right dosages. My point is you cannot give up on meds. Give yourself time to reach the therapeutic levels. And be completely honest with your pdoc. He may never be a friend, and for that I'm sorry, but he could be the one who fixes your meds, finally. Well wishes.

[Little Jay]

Thank you for this! I'm the same too - normally it's long periods of one or the other but lately its been all over the place. Perhaps it's something to do with coming off one med and starting another, who knows. I seem to go from one extreme to the other, then there's just this totally flat feeling. There doesn't seem to be any "normal". It's only been a week but I think I can already feel the Effexor working. I've been getting up super early, wide awake and raring to go (which was annoying at first, but now I've been making the most of it) when normally I have to literally force myself out of bed and usually end up late for work. Normally, no medication does anything. This is the first time I've been on an SNRI though, it's always been an SSRI before, maybe that has something to do with it, again - who knows!

[kjv2acts]

You sound better already. I hear hope, which is what we all want. Meds affect our attitude, and attitude affects our meds.

[Little Jay]

I just wish there was a way to stabilise my moods, I feel crazy when they are so all over the place! I'm getting my energy back so I'm getting somewhere, I suppose. It's just horrible feeling depressed and having this energy at the same time - it's like being pulled in two directions!

[Altered Moment]

SSNRI's are more activating. My first two months on Fetzima I was hypomanic in a sort of mixed way. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't all happy either. It balanced out. Today i was up at 5:30 and I am taking advantage of it too and am going to go do a job.

Sounds to me that changes are taking place and with time they could be very good changes.

[Joey32225]

You probably already have but I'll ask any: have you inquired about Buspar or Lamictal or another mood stabilizer? Lamictal and Depakote didn't work for me as well as Buspar did. Or maybe a benzo? Good luck and hope you feel better.

[Little Jay]

Hi Joey

No I've never thought about a mood stabiliser, I have always just been waiting for my antidepressants to sort me out.

J

[Little Jay]

I'm feeling sooo ill tonight, these side effects are terrible. I feel like I might actually throw up I've never normally had side effects for more than a couple of days before. So I'm laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, in a terrible mood and just feel like crying. I was okay for most of the day really, but i've just gotten lower and lower throughout the afternoon and now I feel ill too on top of it all. I'm just so fed up of all this

[Blue_Bird]

Have you by any chance been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder Little Jay? I ask because of your description of rapid mood swings, feelings of emptiness, feeling like you're watching yourself (dissociation), and small things setting you off, triggering episodes.

[Little Jay]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Have you by any chance been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder Little Jay? I ask because of your description of rapid mood swings, feelings of emptiness, feeling like you're watching yourself (dissociation), and small things setting you off, triggering episodes.

Hi Blue Bird,

No I've only ever had treatment for depression. I struggle to speak to the doctor though so I just feel like I am asked my mood, given more antidepressants and sent on my way I was referred to another team to see too but I missed my appointment and have to ask my pdoc to refer me again - but I know he won't be happy that I ignored the multiple letters and never went, he was already mad that I'd stopped my last meds cold turkey. oops! I think I just need to write everything down and get my doctor to read it and see what he makes of it all. Thank you for this, it is not something I have ever considered I always just assumed it was all part of this depression!

Hugs, J

[Joey32225]

You should talk to your doctor about the side effects. I said it before but maybe they can give you something for the nausea like dramamine or something. Plus you should talk about either a different antidepressant (effexor actually made me worse and i tried to o.d.) or a anti pysch drug to help the antidepressant. I dont know how medicine and insurance stuff works in the UK. Its worth looking into and talking to your doc about.