I stopped caring

A few months ago, I wanted to live, I had plans, I wanted to overcome or control my depression and achieve things in life.

Now I've given up, there's some kind of 'block' in my head that prevents me from thinking about the future anymore. It's like I can't see myself living for too much longer, as if time itself will stop. I can't imagine myself as an older person, nor do I care anymore.

I'm starting to feel like this just 'normal' for me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know why I'm living, but I will continue to live, because I don't honestly care.

I can't explain it any better, I've just gone numb. It's like I've subconsciously given up.

Scratch that, I get it now, I don't know what I'm feeling, I need someone to tell me..... or not.... because It doesn't matter....

That feeling exists. I know what you're talking about. I don't know if it has a name. I feel my life is over now. There is nothing yet to come. It has already ended but for some reason I am still here. There is nothing to do about that. Just wait.

Just an empty feeling of nothingness. Nothing else.

I found myself in an eight year abusive relationship where my partner was either trying to hurt me or herself. The last couple of years i felt exactly as you described, I had literally given up. The strange thing is that I functioned pretty well and no one knew which just made it feel even more pointless. I'd love to tell you that it just ends one day but it was hard work and traumatic trying to change my life and although I'm much better and have recently married someone else I still get bouts of feeling like that. The big thing that I have taken from it is that I think it was a defence mechanism because the fact that I cared about my girlfriend was the reason I stayed with her - so I stopped caring. I hope you can take something from my experience, I'm often told to connect more with people, when I am, I try to.

I have often totally given up and stopped caring altogether. I prayed every night I would die in my sleep. There was no use in trying as nothing was working. It seemed I had lost all hope.

Yet somehow someway, not even in my awareness, was a little hope. There had to be because I at least reached out for help eventually. To my family the last major one because I was terrified I would be homeless. if I were homeless it would be game over for me. I would hit the delete button as Skeezer says. Somehow always in the past with a little prodding I have been able to call and get an appointment to get professional help one more time. Just the act of reaching out made things a little better usually. The last time I went through the motions for my families sake but I didn't think anything would change. I told my family there is nothing they can do besides adjust my meds or try me on a new one and that ain't gonna work. Well actually it did end up working.

I am doing good as of right now but I am scheduled to start therapy again. I am trying to prevent the next big one but I have no doubt another one will come as it always has.

Every time I sleep, I hope I don't wake up. I don't know if that means I wished I were dead or not.

But I keep living for some reason, and I wish to keep living.

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate it Gartez