[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I am just a ball of anger right now! I work from home 30 hrs/wk. My husband has a just that has seasonal changes. Right now is his busy season, so he generally works 12 days on, 2 days off. This pay period he got a surprise third day off, so he was off yesterday, today and tomorrow. I was thrilled when he first told me, because I've had the kids basically 24/7 since the middle of June (we went to visit his family, without him, so missed the opportunity to take advantage of his last days off). I was looking forward to the chance to not have to do all the drop off, pick up, and afternoon activity running around with the kids for a few days.

Well, he has a friend who offered him some free equipment for one of his hobbies if he could go pick it up. So he decided to do that on his first day off. It was a 10-hour round trip drive, plus about an hour for stops and getting the equipment. So yesterday was no relief for me. Today started out with him dropping the kids off (yay!). I asked him before he left to get some cash while he was out for a delivery we were getting this morning. He came back, but had forgotten to get the money. No biggie...he went back out for it. He accidentally took out nearly 10x the amount I asked for ($300 instead of $35). We don't bank locally, so we can't redeposit it. Frustrating, but I just figured we could spend it instead of using our card until it's gone (groceries, gas, kids' camp fees, etc.). Instead, he tells me he wants to keep it so that he can use it on an anniversary gift for me without me knowing where he shopped (I do all the finances). This stresses me out, because we don't have anything at all budgeted for our anniversary yet (it's months away still). And I think that's a lot of money to spend anyway. Oh well...guess I'll just have to figure out where that money's going to come from. Will do that while I'm figuring out how to conjure up more money for the fuel budget, since the trip to get "free" equipment" cost about $120 in gas.

He did agree to take care of picking up our daughter from camp today and running her around to her activities. I told him the times everything has to happen this afternoon. He spent the rest of the morning going through his new equipment and what he can do with it. He came in repeatedly to talk to me about various things related to this hobby and his new equipment. He went to talk to a local shop specializing in this hobby to get a quote for making a custom piece that's missing from this "free" equipment. He came home after lunch and talked it ALL over with me again (probably about 30 total minutes of my work time today was spent listening to him talk about this hobby which doesn't interest me at all, and about very specific plans he has which I can't follow at all). Finally he thanked me for listening and acknowledged that he was geeking out on it all. I smiled and told him we were pretty much at my max for this stuff. He then continued about it another 10 minutes, while I practiced deep breathing to keep my chest from getting tight and becoming visibly agitated.

He finally went outside 30 minutes before he's supposed to pick up our daughter. He starts doing yardwork - mowing the lawn, weed whacking, etc. I notice about 5 minutes after we're supposed to have picked her up that he's starting a new machine outside. I start to go let him know, but can't get his attention easily. Super pissed off now, I jump in the car to go pick her up. While we're gathering her things he calls and says he thought he was supposed to go get her. GGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! He thought the time to get her was 30 minutes after the actual time. I explained that we were already late when I noticed he hadn't left, so I just went to do it.

I'm trying really hard to figure out here whether it's just the quick-flashing anger that comes with my depression flaring up right now, or what. I feel like I'm white hot, and even though they've already left to go to her afternoon things, I'm still raging about all this! I feel like he just has no attention for any of the details that matter to me or the kids. If it doesn't impact his job or either of his two major hobbies, it just doesn't make his priority list. Not listening closely to what time he has to get kids, not paying attention to not overspending, not realizing that he's using up my work hours talking about things he knows I don't care about or understand.

Oh, and tomorrow? He's going to pick up a "free" refrigerator for a friend in town for his hobby, which will go (along with the truckload of new equipment) in our garage. We have the space for it now, since the $1,000 I earned doing some extra work this winter was spent not on the kitchen upgrades I've been wanting (replacing a leaking sink, updating counters & bad linoleum), but on a new shed for the backyard to put all the clutter from the garage so that we would have room to put some of 'our' things that take up a lot of room in what is supposed to be my office at home. Guess we spent my extra work money on a shed to move things out of the garage so his equipment and new refrigerator can have enough space so he can dedicate more time and money to his hobby.

I AM SOOOOOO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! I almost never spend time on hobbies anymore, because I make sure I get my work done first. Guess what...the work's never done. And I can't just put off meals, grocery shopping and laundry like you can yardwork - there is no "I'll just do it tomorrow" for dinner. So I'm angry, resentful, jealous, and frustrated. This sucks!

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Holy rant, batman! Sorry for all that...I needed to get it out, and wanted to not unleash it all on my husband. I feel guilty not being interested in his hobby, because he really wants to share his excitement about it with me (or anyone, for that matter). I know he thinks that getting all this free equipment will make me happy, because it means he's not going out to buy it all. I do appreciate that, but we honestly wouldn't have purchased all this anyway - it's free stuff, so he's super excited, but there are things he can't use at all, and things he can't use until he invests more in it. Mostly I'm pissed that he's dedicating so much brain power to this passion of his, and in the process losing track of the things that are important to the way our family functions, particularly when he's been talking about trying to lighten my load and pick up slack with the kids and stuff. It's like his intentions are there, but the actions don't follow through because his head is so clouded with all these dreams he's chasing right now.

Anyway, if you read any of that...thanks. I don't really know how to not be angry with him, and when I'm this depressed, it's a MAJOR struggle to mask that anger so that I don't blow up on him. And since I don't trust my emotions right now, I don't want to get pissed off and say something that I'll regret later or will make him feel bad when that's unnecessary. So it gets shoved into the bottle and corked. Which keeps me mad.

[hvert]

Have you told him, in a moment when you aren't furious, how you feel about this hobby taking up all this physical space in your house and mental space in his mind? Or even leave that stuff out and tell him that you need to schedule some time for him to cook dinner/take care of the kids a couple of times a week so you can go do X?

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I kind of thought that's what we had planned when he said he'd do the kids' stuff on his days off. We have one family hobby that we all do, and he and I do it twice a week in the evening. I don't feel like I can take on any more, but it's not an activity where I get a break from the kids or him, and it's an activity that (while I have enjoyed it) was something he wanted to do as a family, and it's important to him in that respect. It's starting to wear me down, though, and I just don't feel like I have anything left in me anymore. Even if I didn't do it, though, I would then have the kids at home with me those two days while he's there, so it certainly wouldn't be any better than going to the class.

Part of me is just so frustrated that he can be so passionate about so many things, to the point of distraction, and there's just nothing in my life that's like that for me. And I don't feel like I have the time or energy to devote to either figuring out what would make me feel like that, or to actually being able to participate in anything else. So it makes it even harder that I feel guilty for being jealous of his passion and enjoyment. And I don't want to take that from him, even a little bit, because it's got to be one of the best things in the world to have that. So how do I figure out how to not resent him?

[woundedsoul]

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

I kind of thought that's what we had planned when he said he'd do the kids' stuff on his days off. We have one family hobby that we all do, and he and I do it twice a week in the evening. I don't feel like I can take on any more, but it's not an activity where I get a break from the kids or him, and it's an activity that (while I have enjoyed it) was something he wanted to do as a family, and it's important to him in that respect. It's starting to wear me down, though, and I just don't feel like I have anything left in me anymore. Even if I didn't do it, though, I would then have the kids at home with me those two days while he's there, so it certainly wouldn't be any better than going to the class.

Part of me is just so frustrated that he can be so passionate about so many things, to the point of distraction, and there's just nothing in my life that's like that for me. And I don't feel like I have the time or energy to devote to either figuring out what would make me feel like that, or to actually being able to participate in anything else. So it makes it even harder that I feel guilty for being jealous of his passion and enjoyment. And I don't want to take that from him, even a little bit, because it's got to be one of the best things in the world to have that. So how do I figure out how to not resent him?

You don't want to take away the things that make him happy, those things are important to have, to keep you sane. The problem is that YOU don't have anything for yourself! Take time just for you. Either go out either alone, or with just you and your girlfriends. I had a girls group that we use to get together once a month, we'd have a potluck, and we'd play board games, and have wine and piñata coldAda. Everybody would bring a dish or a dish and dessert. We always hd it at who evers didn't have kid's, and also happened to have a big enough house to hold use all, and sometimes we'd rotate. But if there were kids in the home, no one wanted to go there Anyway, that can be a really fun way for you to feel like you are getting time out. Even though it was only once a month, we all looked forward to it, and it really does the trick. It refreshes you. We sometimes had backyard BBQ for the whole families in summertime with our kids and spouses. And at Christmas, we'd all wear our Jammies, and and have a Dirty Santa Christmas exchange, and do all appetizers and desserts for our dinner. We would do themes during the year. It was really fun. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends have moved. I miss them.

[penguinsing]

It's fine to feel angry. You don't need to feel guilty about it. You probably don't want to upset him ? it's that why you feel guilty ?

It seems someone needs to learn about responsibility and grow up.

Have a talk with him without any distraction. Tell him he can enjoy his hobbies etc, at the same time he need to help out more so you can have some rest, coz you are very worn off. And you need some time for hobbies and friends outings too. Tell him your concern. I wouldn't yell or burst off, just try saying in a neutral way. It's like taking to a co-worker or customre or manager, about things, and try to say it in a way that is not too harsh. You can also brainstorm or draft before the talk, so you kind of rehearsed once and less likely to be out of control and burst.

And for things that you tell him to do, but he didn't do it. If it's nothing big deal....just let to be, because if every time you fix it for him, he wouldn't learn responsibility. May be his cell phone bill. Or may be it means no lunch, coz he forgot to withdrawal money, and so the family will have crackers for lunch. etc.

May be take a vacation (a week), just you and your friends. Tell him the trip include your friendS so you are not the only one making decision of the date and time of the trip (just in case he said he is busy and wants you to delay for the trip) Leave all the family work and kids to him for a week. Perhaps then he will understand how tire you are.

[Clara22]

I would be at least as angry as you are. It is good you did not talk to him when being angry, hope you can do it sooner than later, though. You have a lot of on your plate right now. And to me depression came with a lot of irritability. Sending you a hug

[Clara22]

I meant my depression came with a lot of irritability

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Mine does, too, Clara - and that's why I avoided talking to him about this while I was angry. I know that a lot of the emotion behind it is from the depression, and necessarily a proportionate reaction to what's actually going on.

Feeling much better today. Have been home alone from 9 to about 1:30, so was able to peacefully work. He did ask me for some time to 'geek out' when he got back and spent about another 5-10 minutes talking about his hobby and what we was doing with it today. Then he went on to have lunch with our daughter (he kept her home today to have a daddy-daughter day, so they've been running around town together).

As far as responsibility, he's generally great. That's one of the reasons I was felt so guilty getting so worked up yesterday. He does the morning routine practically every day (breakfast/lunches for the kids, prompting them to get ready to go). He does dishes and folds laundry if I've gotten it done but it's sitting in the basket still in the evening. He does the yardwork and most of the fix-it work in the house. And he does most of this without me having to ask him.

I think you're right, too, woundedsoul. A big part of this is that I don't have any sort of hobbies like he does. He is understanding and encourages me to find something I like - he's really supportive. The problem for me is figuring out what that is...sometimes I feel so defeated that I can't even figure out what I'd like to do. And I always feel like I just don't have the time, so I don't even want to consider what it is I want to do, since it would be frustrating to find something and then not be able to do it. With this way of thinking, I defeat myself before I even start. And then I get mad at myself.

I am going to a book club for the first time tomorrow. I know a couple of the women, but not all of them. The ones I do know, I don't know terribly well. I'm a little anxious about that, socially. I am bringing the kids, since my husband is working. They'll play with the other ladies' kids. It's a monthly club, so maybe not too challenging to fit in timewise on a more regular basis. Trying to be open-minded...

[Clara22]

Good luck with the book club!