[Christina86]

*triggerish - be careful*

I know I'm not the worst person on the face of the planet. I know I have worth and that I'm generally a good person and friend to people. I know things can get better in my life.

I know all of that.

I just wish I knew how to be happy. How to let all the good stuff people say sink in without trying to deny it. How to not apologize for expressing myself and asking for help when I need it. How to give myself a break, realize I'm only human and that we all make mistakes, we're all flawed. How to let myself feel, be loved and how to love myself.

My therapist told me today that she doesnt want to see me for a while. I'm in a psychotherapy group with her and a psychiatrist for the next 8-10 weeks and she told me she doesnt want to see me individually in that time.

I dont know how I feel about that.

I'm too emotionally out of control, and all over the place. Crying at the drop of a hat, not being able to watch myself and take care of myself and not cut myself down. It's just so hard.

School's smothering me. My friends are too nice to me but making me sad since some are graduating in 3 months. Life is trying to make me fall in the mud, trying to slowly let me sink into the big dark hole.

I'm anxious more often now too. Not SIng, but not being able to control the nervous scratching. I dont want the pain, I just want my anxiety and emotions to stop trying to come out or hurt me.

[telb]

hey, hang in there canders : \
there isent anything I can say that will help.
im here for you.. pm me any time.

i'm out of door to work.....PM me and i'll answer you this evening.......love you and sorry things are so --------- right now......love, pat

[(JD)]

I wonder why your T cut your individual appointments, did she say? I mean, right now as you seem to be getting a grasp on what life can be... hmmm I hope you know, and if not, will ask her later about it.

Perhaps "happiness" is like the elusive butterfly, if you pursue it, it evades you, but sit and wait and be patient and peaceful, and it lands on your nose!

TC!

(((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))

I'll pm you...

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))) for your support.

Sky, I think as she sees it since I've been getting more difficult to deal with (my coping mechanism for dealing with stuff is to be difficult to deal with and push people away ... I've never been able to really do it before with important people to me ) and that I'm not currently suicidal or self-injuring (which I've never really brought up since the first time I told her because I'm not "REALLY" doing it anymore) that she doesnt have the time to see me.

Idk.

Maybe I'm just a lost cause and completely helpless and useless and worthless.

NVM. I'm fine, I have to be.

listen you!

i want to hear fighting talk coming from those fingers, ok! you are not a lost cause, never have been, never will be. she has reduced the times to see you individually as she will be seeing you as a group, therefor she thinks its safe to keep an eye on you in a group. you can always ask her to re-consider if you need to.

you are doing great, and i am so proud of you for fighting so hard, so long. happiness will reach you soon enough, i promise. like sky said, just stop chasing it.

work on getting better, dealing with your issues, and deal with depression like you have been, and happiness will come into your life for sure. imagine it this way, if you will:

imagine a window looking out into the world. a big, square window. you are inside, and this represents your mind and body, the outside is obviously the rest of the world. the window is the window to your soul. over time it has become dirty, a build up of allsorts, negativity and pain mainly. and it has caused your window to become black, shutting out the light. you have begun cleaning your window, but the layers of pain and hurt is making it harder and longer to clean. but the sunshine (happiness) is just the other side of this blackness, waiting to shine in. all you need to do is keep cleaning. sometimes you will get glimpses of happiness from where you clean a spot of black off the window, but it can easily get covered up again. so you use more strength and more time to clean the window, and it will in time clean up nicely, letting the warmth of the world shine in to your soul and make you feel enlightened and happy.

abit wierd imagery i know, but if you close your eyes and imagine that well, imagine the black on the window. imagine the picturesque world outside, with bright warm sunshine, and flowers, and everythign that you consider happy and beautiful. imagine that, and imagine you cleaning the windo, and as you imagine yourself cleaning this window, try to imagine you mentally cleaning out all the bed negative stuff inside your mind. try it regularly, and let me know wht you think.

keep your chin up my friend, it will get better. let me know if theres anything i can do ok. im just the other end of a pm, or a convo away on msn!!

simon

[Christina86]

thanks so very much ((((((((((((Simon)))))))))

a friend IRL taught me visualization/imagery so I'll work on your suggestion.

thanks everyone for everything.

I just cant deal with day-to-day stuff and people and communication and conflict at the moment. (and this is all in real life, so dont read into it please)

[desperado]

Hang in there, Canders!

I know exactly what it's like to be overstressed from school & have friends graduating before you. It took me EIGHT long years (some of these yrs I had to withdraw from uni) to finally earn my degree....

I graduated w/ people who were over 10 yrs younger than me. It was so difficult, but if I can do it, anyone can. Especially you.

Hope this helps.

d