[Anony]

For the most part I'd like to think that my mind is pretty steady. And there's a 99% chance that I would never do anything severe, but it terrifies me when I get the thought of...(ending it)... in my head and I can't find anything wrong with it. I have problems with staying silent and bottling my rage for long periods of time and when I do release my anger, I feel like I'm a different person who's capable of anything. In other words, it's best that everyone stays out of my way... for their sake and mine. I would never hurt my family, so if I ever got so angry at them I would probably turn on myself before them (it's a good thing we all get along so well though). When I say everyone should get out of my way, I'm talking about people other than my family. I hate having these thoughts and feeling this way... why can't my head be filled with nice, normal thoughts? What do others do to help calm their rage before it explodes? I could really use some advice.

[Boopers]

Hi Anony,

Sorry you are struggling. I also had a bad day yesterday with terrible thoughts racing through my mind. I kept trying to think of other things but they would keep coming back.

I don't have the rage, just depression and tears. I breathe deep and slow. I try to listen to calming music but not sad stuff.

I hope that you can find a way to stop the rage before you explode.

I know I'm of no help but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Hugs,
Boopers

(boopers.....help is help and you give plenty of it. i won't have you disparaging your worth. )

do you exercise or journal? either a physical release or writing it all down and then putting the book away will help. is there someone that you can talk to that would be objective and just "listen" to you?

good luck....xoxox pat

[Anony]

Thanks for responding Boopers and fayerody. Like fayerody said 'help is help' and having people reply to my post does help me out a little. Actually, I don't really have anyone who would take the time to 'listen' to me. It's hard enough getting people to listen to my everyday conversations. It's always as if my words aren't important enough to be listened to. I do however write in a journal everyday and I think that has helped calm me a little, but it seems like only for the moment.

well, we're all here today......talk away........i ain't gonna watch no super bowl....

[Perna]

Anony, I use to feel that rage in my 20s. It turned out I had no other way to feel "powerful" because I felt pretty powerless in general. No one paid attention to me. Over the years I began to see how much control I had over what I felt was extremely intense rage/anger and even took some pride in my control.

Gradually I began to see/believe what the T's were all telling me that that "depth"/intensity meant I had the "opposite" abilities too; as sad as one is one can feel that happy, etc. It's a range thing and you're seeing the range of your anger versus your patience and ability to "wait" and/or contain intense emotions. You know in your heart you'd never hurt your family and then turn around and are glad you all get along so well (fearing what you know might not be true).

Trust your heart; feel the personal power, your energy and power, your control, when you exhibit it; when you leave the room instead of exploding (I never did smash my fist down my stepmother's throat :-) and see if there's somewhere that will help you. I gradually realized that my defense mechanisms were extremely well developed and I was a medieval siege engine's greatest nightmare :-)

When I expressed my anger (words/expression) and saw people respond, I realized I wasn't powerless/helpless and that my "fight or flight" mechanisms bother worked extremely well. I could "relax" and let nature do its thing instead of worrying about it so much. Without my "head" in there trying to direct things, I was fine.

[Anony]

Thanks for replying fayerody and Perna. I didn't watch the Superbowl either, instead I kept busy all day cleaning, but thanks for the 'talking' invitation. I was reading your post Perna and everything you wrote just sunk in. Usually when I read or hear something it goes in one ear and out the other, but this time it stuck. It helped me to put things into perspective, especially when you said you noticed that when you expressed your anger, people responded. Sometimes people don't realize how much a simple post can help someone. Thanks for your words.