In my head

In my head, i'm all confused. I keep going back and forth with the same questions. Do i really have a problem here or do i not? Am i an alcoholic or am i not? Ive had as many people tell me i do have a problem as those who say i dont.

I been reading the 'Big book'. Some things in there i can very much relate to. But is it just a general thing that pretty much any person can relate to? or is it something specific that only a select group can understand? Or is it just in my head, becuase drinking has been a norm for so long, that i dont know better.

These thoughts in my head are killing me. Mixed with evrything else, i'm confused and numb to any feelings. I cant make a decision to safe my own ***.

My t told me that before i can help myself and start to get better that i need to make the decision on what i'm going to do on this one issue.

Next week when i see my t she is going to have a questionaire for me to fill out. She said that when i finish i will have my answer. And from that answer, i need to admit to myself and stick with that decision. And either way it falls we are going to work through it.

I filled out that questionaire from 'partier or alcoholic' post that Rayna posted. Thirteen out of the 20 was yes. And that many yes's says i am an alcholic.

So if i am an alcoholic, why cant i see it the way you guys see it? I hate this. Becuase i want so bad to feel better, but i cant even get past this %#@&#!. I'm so frustrated with all of this.

chal, nobody wants to say they are an addict. Nobody. I know, I'd rather not.

So here's the part that will get me in trouble here. I'd say that if you can look yourself in the mirror, say you're not an alcoholic, that it's not messing up your life, that you really do have control of when you drink and how much, then I'd say walk away. Congratulations, you're not an alcoholic. I really am extremely happy for you if you can do this.

If not, if you can't say those things, forget what you want to call it, you need to stop drinking.

As for how we all see it? I doubt we all see our problems the same way. We have different histories, different issues. The only common thread here is that we all help each other stay sober. That's it.

My two cents.

Cyran0

Hey Chalm, maybe, right now you don’t need to even decide if you are an alcoholic. If drinking is a problem and you want to quit because of what it is doing to you, then that is enough. What is important right now is what you decide to do, not what label you put to yourself. I am not sure that taking any type of “alcoholic quiz” is going to give you any new revelations. You know what alcohol is doing to you. I had to take a good, long, hard look at what alcohol and drugs were doing to my life and when I did that, it was apparent that alcohol and drugs were making me miserable. Then I had to become willing to make a change. The change did not happen overnight.

I don’t attend AA and I don’t relate to a lot of what is said in the Big Book. There are good points in the Big Book and AA has some great ideas about recovery. You don’t have to accept or believe all of it. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Personally, I had to create a program of recovery that met my own needs and beliefs. What is important is that I have a program of recovery that works for me.

I have adapted many of the steps, but I did not change step one. It was important to me that I came to some type of understanding about my inability to control my drinking/drugging. I tried everything—only drinking on weekends, only having 2 drinks, only drinking beer, only smoking pot…I always ended up drunk or stoned and miserable. I had to admit to myself that I really was unable to control my using and that the world was not to blame for my problems—it was the alcohol and drugs that were making me feel so bad.

I can relate to your frustration. I struggled for years before I was able to finally string together some sobriety. So much of this did not make sense to me when I first got clean and sober. I had to stick with the decision to quit…the understanding has slowly been seeping in as I stay clean. It has been a long drawn out process. You are exactly where you are suppose to be right now—where you go from here is up to you.

Don’t try to “see things the way we see them.” We don’t have all the answers. Become clear on exactly how YOU see things. It is your point of view and your interpretation of things that matters most. Therapy, alcoholic questionnaires and other people in recovery might be useful to give you some new ideas about things, but when it comes right down to it, it is your life, your mind, your soul…you are a very special and unique person. Only you can decide what is right for you.

I wish I could give you some of the peace I feel from being sober. I wish I could take away your confusion and relieve your struggles so you would know how wonderful sobriety is…I am not going to mislead you—getting sober is tough—it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but the benefits are so incredible. My life is not perfect now, but I know what peace is and sometimes, I even feel joy.

Hang in there. Respect your own beliefs and trust yourself to come to the right decision. But remember, you are dealing with alcohol…be careful, you are not misled.

CyranO and DePressMe said it all really.

The only thing I want to add is this....look at DePressMe's signature.......You need chaos in your life to give birth to a dancing star. I LOVE that statement. Every time I read that......I think about my sobriety. I needed everything I experienced and discovered to have the amazing life I have today.

Chalmette,

Don't worry about the labels - only you can decide if drinking is causing more trouble in your life. In my case it is - and I relapsed again, which just tells me how out of control I am.

Depressme is right. Everyone has to find thier own path to recovery & I'd be very wary of anyone telling you that there is only one way. I firmly believe in people being ready, which is not quite the same thing as hitting bottom. Quitting is really hard, so it's important to really want to, and important to have some good support networks around you.

I still have a lot of things to figure out myself - I know I have a problem yet still relapsed so now I'm starting over, so I don't feel like I have a lot of advice to give.

Just know that we're here to support you.

--splitimage

Chalm, I am sorry, please don't feel like I am highjacking your thread. Split said something I want to reply to...

Split, I don't see relapsing as starting all over. Yeah, you start counting days again, but nobody can take away the time you had sober and the things you learned while you were sober. If you would not have had that recovery time, you probably would not have made it back here so fast...so, your "old" sobriety was still helping you. Every sober day counts--even if they are not all in a row.

I would like to thank you all for responding and sharing what you know with me. I'm sure i'll re read this a few more times. I've taken in all that you've said and i see where this makes more sense to me now. I'm not so confused.

I'm going to just take it slow and not try to think about it so much. Try and let some of this clutter in my head dissipate, so that maybe i can see clearer. I dont really like being on the fence here, but i'm sitting now. Hopefully one day soon i 'll jump down to one side and know what im going to do. Until then, I will continue to search .

((((((((Cy)))))))))))))
(((((Depressme))))))))))))))
(((((((((Rayna)))))))

...and Depressme. You can hijack a thread of mine at any time.

(((((((((Split))))))) I'm glad you came back too.