[tigerlily84]

Like many people here, I feel stuck. I hate myself, my job, my loneliness. And while I hate depression in how it lies to you and convinces you that there is no hope, what I really hate is those times when you feel fine. When it seems laughable that you could have ever felt so miserable. But even then, there is always the knowledge that it could come back at any time. And inevitably it does. And then you feel better. And then you feel horrible. Over and over again. I am so TIRED of this. (And I know there are others that have suffered with this for far longer than I have. I really don't know how you have done it.) I cannot begin to explain how angry it makes me that I have to go through this again and again. I just want it to stop.

Is this is it? Is this what life is going to be - an endless cycle of feeling horrible and feeling better? I think I hate the times when I feel better even more than the times I am depressed. Nothing is worse than feeling fine and then lapsing back into hell. Maybe I am not meant to be happy. Maybe I should just resign myself to this. I am not suicidal, just angry. Does anyone else feel the same way?

[Avatar10]

Hi Tigerlily
Yes, I feel the same way. I think I've suffered depression since I was a teen, though I sought treatment a few years ago. It's agonizing. Frustrating to the point that my life doesn't make sense. The world doesn't make sense. Depression is a monster I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life, why?? I can only manage to suppress it

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[Avatar10]

I can only manage to suppress it only for so long and then....it comes back in full force. I totally understand how you feel. I have a hard time accepting this condition. But what I try to do, to win at least momentarily, is do all I need to do for myself when I feel ok. And when I feel horrible, I run to my pdoc, family and friends for support. So sorry you feel this way tiger...we are in the same boat. Hang in there my friend.

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[tigerlily84]

I have also suffered since I was a teen, but didn't get help until after a suicide attempt. I'm trying to hang in there, but I don't know what I am hanging around for. I'm so sorry that you understand, because I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

[waterknob1234]

I have had 3 or 4 major depressive episodes in my life that I can remember. One as a teenager, one as a young adult, one in my thirties, and this one at age 52. I had treatment for the one in my mid thirties, I am getting halfway treatment for this episode. This is pure hell. I would not wish this illness on my worst enemy so I do understand how you feel.

[Avatar10]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

I have also suffered since I was a teen, but didn't get help until after a suicide attempt. I'm trying to hang in there, but I don't know what I am hanging around for. I'm so sorry that you understand, because I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

That's exactly how I feel. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone

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[tigerlily84]

Yesterday I went to see my sister in law to go have dinner. She's been inviting me to go out for weeks but I just haven't had the energy. She invited her friend, who is bubbly and happy like her. Talking to them was exhausting, and I think that's why I feel so low today. I couldn't help but wonder: will I ever be that happy? And for how long? Sometimes I look at her and feel horribly guilty that my parents have an idiot like me for a daughter.

I just wish that somehow I could figure out what to DO. I feel paralyzed in this inaction.

[Altered Moment]

It's like a cruel game life plays on us. I have suffered since I was a teen and have been treated for twenty years. When I am in it I think it will never end. When I am doing real good I feel like I made it all up and that it won't come back. Or at least I get hopes that maybe it won't come back. I know it will though. I have had many many episodes. Traditionally 3 or 4 a year that only last 3 or 4 weeks. In recent years it has gotten more long lasting, like 6 or 8 months. Now I am on a med that had has worked great for 5 months but I can feel it creeping back. I have no idea what the future will look like as far as depression goes. At least it used to be predictable. I am 50 and don't know if aging has made it worse or not.

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[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

It's like a cruel game life plays on us. I have suffered since I was a teen and have been treated for twenty years. When I am in it I think it will never end. When I am doing real good I feel like I made it all up and that it won't come back. Or at least I get hopes that maybe it won't come back. I know it will though. I have had many many episodes. Traditionally 3 or 4 a year that only last 3 or 4 weeks. In recent years it has gotten more long lasting, like 6 or 8 months. Now I am on a med that had has worked great for 5 months but I can feel it creeping back. I have no idea what the future will look like as far as depression goes. At least it used to be predictable. I am 50 and don't know if aging has made it worse or not.

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Yes exactly, it feels like I made it all up when I feel better. I am impressed with you and everyone here for fighting so long. I can only hope to be as strong as you. I hope you find a med that brings you relief.

[Fuzzybear]

[Avatar10]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

Yesterday I went to see my sister in law to go have dinner. She's been inviting me to go out for weeks but I just haven't had the energy. She invited her friend, who is bubbly and happy like her. Talking to them was exhausting, and I think that's why I feel so low today. I couldn't help but wonder: will I ever be that happy? And for how long? Sometimes I look at her and feel horribly guilty that my parents have an idiot like me for a daughter.

I just wish that somehow I could figure out what to DO. I feel paralyzed in this inaction.

::::

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I guess you might say that I feel very much the same way. Lately I have been asking myself, "where is all of this (my life) going?" As I stated in an earlier post, I feel like there's a lot to dread in the future for me and nothing to look forward to.

There are times when I feel great when nothing really good has happened. And I don't know why. But it's a nice feeling when I can cherish it. And then I hear about something bad. Especially hearing about something awful that happened to someone else. I can be thankful that it didn't happen to me, but I figured that something that bad could happen to me. If I were to be thankful that something bad happened to someone else instead of me, then I would feel like an insensitive claud.

When I feel good, then I wonder when will the bad feelings happen, or when will something bad happen. I feel like I am not supposed to feel good because it's wrong to feel that way! I wonder where that came from? Maybe from my late parents. When I was feeling really good then they would come up with something that would make me feel bad. I think that my late father struggled with depression a lot. I think that my brothers and sister have it; even though they will not admit it.

[Avatar10]

Originally Posted by will19

I guess you might say that I feel very much the same way. Lately I have been asking myself, "where is all of this (my life) going?" As I stated in an earlier post, I feel like there's a lot to dread in the future for me and nothing to look forward to.


There are times when I feel great when nothing really good has happened. And I don't know why. But it's a nice feeling when I can cherish it. And then I hear about something bad. Especially hearing about something awful that happened to someone else. I can be thankful that it didn't happen to me, but I figured that something that bad could happen to me. If I were to be thankful that something bad happened to someone else instead of me, then I would feel like an insensitive claud.


When I feel good, then I wonder when will the bad feelings happen, or when will something bad happen. I feel like I am not supposed to feel good because it's wrong to feel that way! I wonder where that came from? Maybe from my late parents. When I was feeling really good then they would come up with something that would make me feel bad. I think that my late father struggled with depression a lot. I think that my brothers and sister have it; even though they will not admit it.

::::::

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[downontheupside]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

Yesterday I went to see my sister in law to go have dinner. She's been inviting me to go out for weeks but I just haven't had the energy. She invited her friend, who is bubbly and happy like her. Talking to them was exhausting, and I think that's why I feel so low today. I couldn't help but wonder: will I ever be that happy? And for how long? Sometimes I look at her and feel horribly guilty that my parents have an idiot like me for a daughter.

I just wish that somehow I could figure out what to DO. I feel paralyzed in this inaction.

I've felt like this before. Interacting with people who have so much energy or just seem happy with their lives can be really tiring and frustrating. It reminds you even more of how bad you feel.

[dandylin]

Oh, I feel ya tigelilly. Feeling good and then sliding back into a major episode is just horrible.

[lilacwine3124]

I know exactly how you feel. Somehow, the sadness is comfortable and it's always there, it's reliable. But I don't think we should accept that as who we are. Depression is an illness, not a personality. It wouldn't be fair to just say that we are depressed, and that is how it will be. There is always hope. People overcome depression. Right now, we are stuck right in the middle of it. We can't just give in and let ourselves drown in it. We need to keep fighting, even though it may seem useless.

"The best way out is always through." -Robert Frost

All the happiness in the world,
lilacwine3124