[Purplesept2007]

I have thought about posting this over the last day or so but I may get individuals mad and please understand that is not my intent at all. There may be some triggers here so please do not continue on if you feel unsafe. This is about Robin Williams but this is also about me and how I have been affected. When I first found out I was stunted, shocked, and very sad. I feel Mr. Williams brought a lot of joy to this world and was a kind person. He will be missed by many. I also was heartbroken that he didn't feel like he had any options left. I believe most of us have been there before. For me it has been an ongoing struggle a good part of my life especially the entire year of 2007.

I had a session with my therapist this week and we did talk most of the session about Robin Williams and what was going on in my head which was a lot. Here is the part that many of you may be upset about and again I am sorry if this happens but I feel I might not be the only one feeling this way. I guess in a way I feel guilty but I am trying not too because this is such a positive thing for me. Okay so here it goes... I wrote this a few days ago to my therapist. I sit here with tears in my eyes not exactly sure why, I know it has to do with Robin Williams. I think I am really realizing what something like this (suicide) could really do to those I love and it is quite overwhelming if that makes sense. I start to think about it and wonder how could I ever want to do that to those I love so much. Why did he have to do it (but then again I understand from were he was it is so dark there - darker then a pitch black night).
I am not trying to fight what I am feeling just going with this. Wish I had your shoulder right now. I guess I am getting a bit stronger because before his suicide I don't think I was looking at this from all these angles. My eyes are wide open and this really really hurts. I never believe I saw this so clearly before. I pray I never forget how this makes me feel right now.

Then yesterday I wrote this to my therapist... I have not felt like this in a very long time but today I actually feel like some weights have been lifted off my shoulders I would say a significant amount. I believe now it is time to stay the course as it were with medication, exercise, positive thinking, mediation, and to get back to some kind meaningful prayer life for myself. I actually feel pretty good but at the same time am cautious with this feeling. I guess we can say another Praise be to God, Amen...

So in conclusion this horrible suicide I believe truly has open my eyes to possibly to see from the other side family and friends as it were. And I never never want to do that to family and friends. I don't believe it is going to be easy to win this war on depression but I just may have won a little battle and that I am grateful for. Again I am sorry if I offended anyone and maybe there are a few of you out there that can relate to what I am feeling...

[glok]

Hello, Snuggles22. You are entitled to you opinions and concerns. If something good come from your interaction with your therapist, all the better.

I wish you well.

Originally Posted by Snuggles22

I have thought about posting this over the last day or so but I may get individuals mad and please understand that is not my intent at all. There may be some triggers here so please do not continue on if you feel unsafe. This is about Robin Williams but this is also about me and how I have been affected. When I first found out I was stunted, shocked, and very sad. I feel Mr. Williams brought a lot of joy to this world and was a kind person. He will be missed by many. I also was heartbroken that he didn't feel like he had any options left. I believe most of us have been there before. For me it has been an ongoing struggle a good part of my life especially the entire year of 2007.

I had a session with my therapist this week and we did talk most of the session about Robin Williams and what was going on in my head which was a lot. Here is the part that many of you may be upset about and again I am sorry if this happens but I feel I might not be the only one feeling this way. I guess in a way I feel guilty but I am trying not too because this is such a positive thing for me. Okay so here it goes... I wrote this a few days ago to my therapist. I sit here with tears in my eyes not exactly sure why, I know it has to do with Robin Williams. I think I am really realizing what something like this (suicide) could really do to those I love and it is quite overwhelming if that makes sense. I start to think about it and wonder how could I ever want to do that to those I love so much. Why did he have to do it (but then again I understand from were he was it is so dark there - darker then a pitch black night).
I am not trying to fight what I am feeling just going with this. Wish I had your shoulder right now. I guess I am getting a bit stronger because before his suicide I don't think I was looking at this from all these angles. My eyes are wide open and this really really hurts. I never believe I saw this so clearly before. I pray I never forget how this makes me feel right now.

Then yesterday I wrote this to my therapist... I have not felt like this in a very long time but today I actually feel like some weights have been lifted off my shoulders I would say a significant amount. I believe now it is time to stay the course as it were with medication, exercise, positive thinking, mediation, and to get back to some kind meaningful prayer life for myself. I actually feel pretty good but at the same time am cautious with this feeling. I guess we can say another Praise be to God, Amen...

So in conclusion this horrible suicide I believe truly has open my eyes to possibly to see from the other side family and friends as it were. And I never never want to do that to family and friends. I don't believe it is going to be easy to win this war on depression but I just may have won a little battle and that I am grateful for. Again I am sorry if I offended anyone and maybe there are a few of you out there that can relate to what I am feeling...

I understand what you are saying. I can't stop thinking about how my family would feel if I took my own life.
You are not alone in the way you are thinking

[Altered Moment]

I don't think what you have written would offend anyone. Many people have been deeply affected by what happened in all sorts of ways.

[TheOriginalMe]

I think that for many of us whole battle suicidal feelings and who resolve to stay safe then the decision usually comes about because we see how our loved ones will be affected. The journey to reaching that understanding is different for everyone, there's nothing wrong or offensive with your experience, and that you've gained insight from a tragedy is a hopeful thing.

[ToeJam]

I agree with what others have said above and none of what you wrote is offensive in my eyes.

I feel terrible for the attempts that I've made and the burden it has put on family and friends... I can't imagine what it would be like for them had I succeeded.

I know depression works in different ways for different people. For me, in those states it is pretty much a disassociation from who I am... a dream like state and a surreal reality that it is the right thing to do at that time.

Thankfully I have been unsuccessful but in the aftermath and the coming back to a sense of being more in my right mind rather than better... I see the effect and trauma it puts on those I care for... it's hard to explain... I really care for my wife, my mum, my friends... but at the time of attempt, I am truly detached from all of that... and that's what makes it so frightening. That in one day I can go from laughing and joking with someone close... to just glazing over, go numb and doing something that makes no sense.

I have no idea if others can relate to this... I am really glad for you that you have the lucidity to hold it together and use what you've written as an anchor... might sound strange to actually say I envy you... but not in a disrespectful way... I just wish I had that control.

[Purplesept2007]

Thank you everyone for your replies that did help me. Hey ToeJam I think you are right it is like a anchor that is holding me steady which is a relief. I really don't feel I have any control over this I am just glad I feel that I got some positive out of this horrible tragedy...

I truly hope that Robin is at peace now and I pray that time will help heal the wounds his family and friends are going through. I hope they can learn to cope with this in some manner and hope they seek some counseling themselves...