[Kabuto]

So there was this girl, the girl I lost my virginity to 2.5 years ago. I haven't even seen or heard from her in 1.5 years, despite my efforts. I've slept with one other person since, but I didn't love her (though I did like her). It's sickening to think about how long this girl was actually in my life compared to how long I've lamented thinking about her. Regretting old decisions I made from literally over 2 years ago, thinking about how I could have changed things. I really loved this girl beyond belief, I really did- I haven't met anyone else like her. Me posting about her 1.5 years later is proof enough of that....

However, it's gone beyond rationale now. This girl is a hindrance in every sense of the word now- thoughts of her held me back, caused me immense depression, caused me pain beyond belief. And now I just want to forget. Forget this person ever existed and MOVE ON. Move on to bigger and better things, I deserve to move on and find happiness now!!

A lot of the problem is unemployment, and typical quarter life crisis stuff that supplement what's going on, and perhaps blocked me emotionally from meeting new people. But that doesn't change the facts- I'm sick of this girl entering my thoughts and impeding my life. I've never dealt with anything else like this- it feels like I'm being haunted.

Being lovesick is literally a sickness. It has held me back both physically and mentally in my life. And I'm tired of this person invading my mind. :/ I deserve better than this....I want to be cleansed and happy.

[glok]

Hello, Kabuto.

What Is Complicated Grief? | The Center for Complicated Grief
Complicated grief Symptoms - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic
About Complicated Bereavement Disorder | Psychology Today

I wish you well.

[Kabuto]

Well, that sounds like it could be me. This pertains to heartbreak rather than death, but I haven't handled heartbreak well over the course of my life anyway.... I see a therapist, but I can't say he's helping me with this all that much.

Anyway, I'm tired of this girl, but I think about her daily out of nowhere... like I made the biggest mistake of my life. But it's ridiculous, and saddening to be unable to move on from this stupid thing. I want to move on more than anything. My mind wants her back but I have long since realized that I have to move on from any unrequited feelings.

Maybe having trouble connecting with the personality of the average girl is part of the problem- it often feels as though I threw away a golden lottery ticket.

[Altered Moment]

A break up or divorce is really no different than a death when it comes to grief. Loss is loss.

I am very embarrassed to admit this but it took me eleven years to get over a girl once. I went with a girl for two a half years in high school. In my mind we were going to get married and live happily ever after. She went away to college and I stayed home in community college. She met a guy and dumped me. How in the world did it take eleven years you might ask. I know very well why. I was drinking and using the whole time. I never grieved it. I didn't think about her everyday or anything but periodically. I never got over it. I even got married and my wife could somehow sense I was still holding on. It wasn't until I got clean and sober and really worked on it that I got over it. I even called her to ask what happened and to apologize for my part. I got closure from that.

I am not saying any of that applies to you but that was my experience.

[Kabuto]

That's a wild story but I believe it- I can see why it could happen.

This girl is similar, and I've hit every stage of grief (besides complete acceptance). Though I've mostly gotten over the idea of winning her back and getting her to change her mind (denial/bargaining), I've become angry at everything, angry at myself, the world, and the girl (anger), and I've become deeply depressed. (depression).

As the days pass, these symptoms fade, but it all tends to loom over me. I still feel like I lost something (the girl), and something more (my life, my feeling of fulfillment, my goals). In reality, these losses will hopefully lead me closer to where I need to be, and make me grow stronger overall. The lessons should be extremely valuable to me- perhaps I won't need to suffer so much when I get older if I learn from these mistakes. But it still hurts and feels empty.... In Buddhism, "emptiness" is a state of desire- to "empty" one's cup- so maybe I should look at it that way.

But overall, the feeling is absolutely terrible and horrid to say the least. I have enough problems in my life- I don't need this stupid little girl multiplying them. I recognize how she holds me back from what I need to be doing- and now I just need to get the heck over it already, before it's too late. I don't want to feel the hurt anymore- I want the pain to just go away.

[Altered Moment]

There is no time limit on it and you sound very aware and are working through it. You'll get there. Some times we get stuck in the depression phase if we are prone to it and need some help.

In Buddhism the goal is to be free of desire but we are human and that is very difficult.

You might be interested in Joseph Cambell and his writings on myth. There are certain stories or myths we as humans all carry. The creation myth. The night in shining armor rescues the damsel in distress. Myth doesn't mean false but a core of truth that turns into a story.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kabuto]

Thank you for your faith.

This girl is so hard to filter out. Every time I believe I can handle it, and I feel better- the next moment, she goes right back to invading my mind. It's madness.

And no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I want to blame her for everything, I just can't. But I should- thanks to her, I faced immense hardship. How can I still love someone unconditionally who put me through all that pain?